Well that didnt last long...x

Hey guys,

For some reason my followers could not view my blog when i went private so im making it public again! I still wont be putting notification updates on facebook or twitter though so keep an eye out for further ramblings here!

Today has been the hardest day ive had in quite awhile.

Ive had every ed behaviour under the sun and feel like hell.

Completely worn out and disappointed in myself.

Ive stopped taking all meds for a number of reasons i dont really want to go in to here but i think its the right decision for me at the moment.

Feeling a little uneasy about the break from treatment over Christmas but also looking forward to it in a way...that probably doesnt make sense!

I'll leave it there for now,sleep is calling!

Sarah if youre reading this,youre always in my thoughts,please keep fighting,i know you can find your way out x

Love Aoifs xXx

Moving on up&going private x

Hey guys!

Just a little update and also to mention to anyone that reads this im setting my blog to private from this week,if you want to keep reading please just follow me. Also i wont be posting my update notifications on facebook or twitter anymore.

Things here have been going much much better. Im still eating well most days and getting closer and closer to target weight. Its scary as hell but im not stopping until i get there.

Recently a number of conversations ive had with different friends and family have just made me so determined to fully recover.

Ive let anorexia rule my life for over 12 years now and its just far too long. I really feel its now or never. I could easily just go along day to day existing and not really living,but i dont want to settle for that anymore. I want a real life,even though it terrifies me just thinking of it.I know its got to be better than another year with an eating disorder.

I want a job and a boyfriend and a house and eventually a marriage and a babies!

I definitely cant hold onto the anorexia and have all those things.

Therapy with Triona is also going really well,its definitely helping me this time round.

She sees people change their lives and live their dreams all the time and she says i can be one of those people too if i keep going in the right direction...and you know, im starting to believe her...

Love Aoifs xXx

Tips for surviving Christmas x

The following tips along with much more information on eating disorders can be found here- http://www.bodywhys.ie/

The nature of an eating disorder can mean that Christmas can be a particularly difficult time of year.

Some helpful tips for coping with the pressures that can arise at Christmas time:

• Try not to isolate yourself.
• In advance of Christmas, let people know how you are feeling. Talk to them about your fears around food. Try to ease the stress by identifying what might make things less stressful for you. Write out a list and share it with your family. This could help you negotiate ways of having your needs met. Present your list as your coping tools so that others may engage positively to support you in using them.
• If you can identify a family member that you can confide in, enlist their support and work out with them specific ways of coping with the pressures of the day. The more aware they are of your needs, the more confident and willing they will be to help you.
• Write down your feelings if you feel scared. Writing them down can help to dilute or dissipate the feeling.
• Try and keep to your own routine around meal times, etc., if this is important to you.
• Arrange that whoever is doing the cooking knows that you need to have some control over what you eat. Try to negotiate ways of having your needs met well in advance of Christmas Day to prevent a build up of anxiety and stress.

• Try and take time-out from the ‘crowd’, to read quietly, to take a walk, or to listen to music. Tell people in advance that it would help you to be allowed to do this.
• Try to keep things in perspective by taking a realistic view of food and drink. They are only two of the many pleasurable activities at this time of year.
• Be prepared for comments about food and plan your response. Avoid reacting defensively. Instead, respond in a way that invites others to respect your needs(Example: “It’s important for me to be able to manage things at my own pace at this moment” / “If I am allowed to manage things my own way, it will help me to feel less stressed”)
• Try not to expect too much – either of yourself or others, or even of the day – and you will avoid feeling disappointed.
• It is important to remember that you deserve to be happy too, so choose what you want to do as much as you can.
• Whatever way it turns out, remember that Christmas is just one day out of 365 days, so don’t panic.
• Give yourself the gift of acceptance. You are as you are.
• If you really cannot face the celebrations, explore ways of helping others, or escape within the home, if that is possible.
• Try and stay with the present and not look back or forward. It is, after all, only one day.
• If you are feeling overwhelmed, don’t be hard on yourself. Christmas can be overwhelming at the best of times!

 I hope this helps some of you get through the holidays!!! 

Love Aoifs xXx

Be Body Confidant like Louise x

Love this lady!

Listen up girls!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa5aaA-zvxY

Love Aoifs xXx

Day 12... x

...of eating well.

I have no idea if i have gained or lost weight.

I PRESUME i have gained.

Im staying far away from the scales.

The important thing is to be eating well.

Still with very little compensations.

But im not perfect ;o)

I have slipped up.

But everyone does dont they?

Just got to keep swimming.

Its strange. I think i can accept a weight gain but im afraid of what others will think of me.

People expect me not to eat.

People expect me to be thin.

Because thats what anorexia looks like to people doesnt it?

Well what if i want to eat?

What if i just want to be normal?

What if i dont what to be defined by 'anorexia'?

In afraid to change.

But im doing it.

I may only be 12 days in this time round but its 12 days closer to freedom.

Please if you could think of my friend who is not very well and in a high dependency unit at the moment.

The harsh reality of anorexia.

Keep fighting Sarah xXx

3 days in x

So its wednesday nite...well technically thursday morning but hey!

Which means its 3 days since i promised Sarah and myself i would really throw myself into recovery and bloody concentrate and put all my efforts into getting well...and thats exactly what ive been doing.

Im eating. Eating well. With little or no compensations. 

It feels...

UNCOMFORTABLE.

To say the least.

But ive been here before,many a time and i want to make this the last time.

I really truely do.

Sometimes we push our bodies to the brink and it is only when we get a shock we realise what weve been doing to ourselves all along...and sometimes,sometimes...that may be just too late.

My little friend still has air in her lungs which to me means there is still hope.

She is trying,i know she is. And i believe in her.

Sarah if youre reading this,prove the docters wrong.

Show them the strength i know you have hidden inside you.

You can beat it!!!

See you tomorrow munchkin,sleep tight.

Love Aoifs xXx

A special promise to be unbroken x

This morning i made a very precious friend a promise i would fight and not give up until i got better.

This is a promise i cannot break.

I will NOT break.

I dont care if i have a bad day or a 100 bad days.

I will eat.

Everyone deserves to eat.

Theres nothing wrong with eating.

Eating will do nothing but give me my life back.

I will no doubt come here and moan and cry about being fat and wanting to give up.

But i wont give up.

I cant now.

Im in it til i win it!!!!!!!!!

The pink cupcake is for you Sarah.

Love Aoifs xXx

Cant find the way out x

'And i know its crazy...but thats the state im in.'

Escaped to our country home this week and it was nice to get away for a few days.

I just wish i could get away from my head.

I had a chat with dad before we went that i would really try get back on track with eating again.

And i did to some extent.

I did good Monday and Tuesday and then got food poisoning and of course i took this as a sign i shouldnt have ate all i had,that it was a sign i ate too much,a sign i should stick to my more restrictive diet.

And so back i go.

I know letting myself fall back isnt a great thing but losing weight is the only thing that seems to help lift the depression a little.

I want to be small again.

Tiny.

Disappear maybe.

'I cant escape my thoughts.'

Love Aoifs xXx

How the world looks x

"From the outside looking in, you cant understand it...from the inside looking out, you cant explain it."

Love Aoifs xXx

Losing hope x

Love Aoifs xXx

Thoughts x

What made me swallow those 82 tablets three weeks ago?

How do i answer that question without sounding mad?

The question in itself suggests i may be mad...

I remember taking them and feeling calm.

Scared but calm.

I wanted to just sleep.

Sleep and not wake up.

I thought it would be enough.

I thought i would die.

I had hoped i would die.

Sometimes i wish it had of been enough.

Sometimes im glad it wasnt.

Im embarrassed and ashamed by my actions.

Please understand i thought i was doing the right thing for everybody involved.

I realise that may sound crazy now but i thought it at the time.

Friends have fallen away,family barely keep in touch,i honestly didnt think anyone but dad would truely care if i died. And for those i thought might care i thought it would be a relief for them. Theyve seen me in and out of hospital year after year never truely recovering.

I am a burden and i simply worry those who do still care.

I am selfish.

But most of all im sorry.

Ive had some amazing support from some people and thats why,

I will try harder.

Love Aoifs xXx

Home sweet home x

Discharged.

Medically stable.

Emotionally? 

Maybe not so much!!!

But better.

Definitely better.

I think the right dose of meds are finally kicking in and not a moment too soon.

So im home.

Im alive.

What now?

For the moment im going to the hospital twice a week.

Im trying to get out with friends for coffee.

I quit my job the day i overdosed.

I missed the start of my course as i was in hospital.

I have no idea what to do with life.

Getting on a bus and going into town is almost a challenge in itself.

I realise that must sound pathetic to most.

But hopefully some will understand.

Food is a whole other issue.

The anorexia is strong as hell right now.

And im just letting it happen.

I tried the day i got home from hospital to challenge it but the guilt eats me up. Pardon the pun.

I AM eating. Just not so much. And compensating when i am.

I want so much to eat well. Im hungry. Starving. And thats hard to admitt.

But im not allowed to eat what my body needs.

Im simply not allowed.

I'll leave on a more positive note-

"Nothing in the world is impossible the word itself says Im Possible."Audrey Hepburn.

Love Aoifs xXx

The aftermath of an overdose x

You dont think of the pain youre going to cause other people.

You think of ending your pain.

Did i really truely want to die?

Yes.

At the time.

That afternoon.

Depression had been crippling me since my return from Lanzarote.

My weight gain was intolerable.

A combination of things beyond my control felt too much.

I felt my loss would be no great loss.

I felt it would be a freedom.

For everybody.

Ive struggled for 12 years with anorexia,everyone was sick of me.

I was sick of me.

I was sick of anorexia yet couldnt free myself of it.

And am still fighting to.

Since being admitted to hospital 2 weeks ago my weight has dropped signifigantly.

This pleases my anorexia.

It says lower.

My bp is low.

My blood sugars low.

My potassium is low.

My sodium is low.

None of this worries me. It pleases me.

However my mood has picked up somewhat and i do regret my actions.

Im sorry if i worried people. 

I dont really understand their worry.

But I have a choice now.

Stand up once again and fight.

Or let it swallow me up.

'Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself. The way you wish you had been all along.'

Love Aoifs xXx

Ps-Please do not think i write these posts to attract attention or anything of the sort,i write because it helps me and i share because it helps others xXx

Further along the road...

Since i last wrote there has been some changes. Some good. Some not so.

Anorexia has taken a back seat in some respects. Im eating well most of the time. I have energy. Im not tired all the time. I have started working as a fashion intern in a clothes store and love it. Tomorrow i finally start the image and styling course i was supposed to do two years ago. I went on holiday with two friends and had so much fun. I ate and drank and was 'normal'. It felt nice to be normal for that week.

I came home and struggled with the inevitable weight gain but have managed to maintain it. However it seems whenever anorexia leaves me be,depression hits me hard. It can be crippling. I didnt leave the house for three days this week and when i tried i only got as far as the bus stop. I am sure people are looking at me and thinking how fat i have become. That i dont deserve to eat. That i dont deserve to be healthy.

I am still underweight yet these new curves terrify me.

Bum.

Boobs.

Hips.

CURVES.

Why are they so scary?

My new womanly shape depresses me greatly.

I am scared of what comes with it...

The only answer i feel is to lose weight again.

It feels like a choice between anorexia or depression?

Surely there is a healthy in between?

I hope i find it.

I hope we all find it.

Love Aoifs xXx

A small glimpse into anorexia x

I am learning recently,i cannot be alone at home without ed behaviours taking over.

Alone i am a disaster.

I am 26 and simply cant take care of myself on my own.

Its beyond ridiculous.

I can be 'normal' when im with friends/family. I cope. I think i put on a good show.

Now that i have gainned a good bit of weight i appear 'normal'.

However my thoughts are still extremely eating disordered.

I weigh myself 6 times a day.

When i go on holidays my scales comes with me.

If the number is higher than acceptable,i must compensate.

I know its an unhealthy obsession.

However when i dont know my exact weight,my anxiety is sky high.

I will restrict or starve. I will purge. I will exercise. I will take boxes of laxatives.

I am not proud of these things. Anorexia isnt something to be proud of. Its not a phase or a way to get attention. It has the highest death rate out of all mental illnesses.

I hate it more than anything but Im not going to hide and be ashamed anymore.

I want people to know the truth. The reality.

 And i guess thats why i started this blog in the first place xXx

Falling back and pushing forward x

I fear i may actually be losing the plot. 

My mood is all over the place...either very low or flying high.

One day i feel strong and determined and want to continue with recovery,the next day i dont want any food to pass my lips and losing all the weight ive gainned is my only goal in life. And that is pathetic.

Since my team wanted to admitt me a few weeks ago,i have turned things around and stopped losing weight. Infact i have gainned two pounds back. 

Ive been out for meals with friends,had cocktails,gone dancing,doing everything i can to fight back and get out there and live life.

But anorexia still consumes my every thought.

Its still the most important thing in my life,which i hate but i know only i can change.

I was looking at old pictures of when i was a healthy weight and a terrible sadness came over me. I look happy and healthy. I WAS happy and healthy. 

What happened? 

How did i allow myself to get to a point where late last year I couldnt walk from my room to the bathroom,i was in a wheelchair,being tube fed and on complete bedrest for 8 weeks. I didnt admitt it at the time but i was scared. I felt like something had completely taken me over and i had no power left.

I have to go back and remember these things so i can push forward and be reminded i cant go back to that place.

So i am in limbo. I am no longer at a dangerous weight nor am i healthy but somewhere in the middle. Right now i feel i could go either way.

I can understand how someone without an ed would see this as an easy choice...but letting go and moving on seems so impossible at times.

I cant fight it for myself at the moment but i will for my dad,my mum,my granbeag and the amazing friends who are still here beside me. I am lucky really. 

Very lucky.

xXx

Striving to be 'normal' x

I have the urge to write here tonight.

I am in constant conflict to write here or not. I think it was good to take a little break from it at least. Writing definitely helps. My psych says i have a talent for it...HA.

I feel tearful and low at the moment. I had a lovely day. I went for lunch with two of my bestest friends and my godson. It was nice. I managed lunch fine. I enjoyed it. Of course the guilt came after. But thats ok. Im used to that feeling. The important thing is not acting on it.

Since my last post i have gone through a restrictive phase and my weight has gone down but not drastically so. The problem is once u start restricting its hard to stop.

After months of doing well i had almost forgot the feeling of an empty tummy,the dizzy spells,the complete lack of energy. It all came back and fast.

I have become expert at eating normal around friends and family. I sit there happily munching away joinning in conversation and just taking part. Can they see through me? The panic? The terror? Can they see im wondering how much ill have to restrict to compensate for that meal? How much ill have to exercise in the middle of the night while dads asleep in the next room? How many boxes of laxatives ill have to go through trying to find a chemist that doesnt remember me from before,desperately searching like a drug addict needing their fix.

I enjoy food. But i dont deserve it. I dont need it. I have reserves.

Last week my team wanted me admitted. This week we decided on a different plan. Meds increased to max dose. Psych appointment every week. Psychotherapist appointment every week. Stick to my meal plan. This was decided on wednesday and i have done my part since then.

I look at friends who have recovered and i wonder why i havent got there yet. Ive got close a few times now but i always run back. Always.

It was easier when i looked sick. People knew there was something wrong. Now i am fat and i smile and i eat in company and laugh while doing so...i appear dare i say it 'normal'.

What im most afraid of is being alone,many friends have slipped away from me and i worry they all will.

I will eat and drink and go to my appointments.

And i will smile....

xXx

A goodbye of sorts x

Hey guys,

I just wanted to write here and let any readers know im taking a break from this blog. Although its a good place to vent and get positive support i feel its holding me back from moving on in some way.

The past few weeks have been the hardest since i got discharged at the end of january. Not so much weight wise although i have slowly been losing some again but more mood wise.

I have always found that when i am eating and gainning weight my mood plummets drastically and i isolate. When i am restricting/starving and losing weight i am high as a kite. Although physically weak. Its trying to pick the lesser of two evils.

At the moment i am in a restrictive phase and so feeling a little better in myself BUT i do not want to slip back into this-

I must never let it happen again.

So today i had a starbucks mocha light frapp and a piece of 'rocky road' which set me up for the day. I wanted to do it and it felt good but by the time dinner time came around i was racked with guilt and couldnt manage anything. It seems to be a constant struggle at the moment. But like i said im not prepared to end up in a dangerous place again so i will try and try until i win.

Wish me luck.

Love Aoifs xxx



Letting it out x

Hellooo!

I try to keep this blog as upbeat and positive as possible lately but i think it would almost defeat its purpose if i pretended everything was wonderful all of the time. So with that in mind this is an honest post more than anything.

Since my last hospital admission some people have said i am an 'inspiration' which is lovely but im really not. Im human and am just another woman fighting for recovery. I make mistakes. I slip up. I have bad days. We all do,dont we? I think its how we deal with them that matters.

Ive been trying to ignore this the past month or so but im really struggling to accept my new healthier body. Even at my smallest I never felt thin,i never saw thin BUT the number on the scale made me feel safe that the FACT was i was seriously underweight no matter what the image was staring back at me. It was comforting.

I keep thinking...just go back. Just one more time. Get to a lower number. Push your body that extra bit further than before. You have to get worse before you get properly better and let go completely...

Im angry at myself for feeling this way.

I feel my friends must be embarrassed by how big i have become recently. Surely no one would want to be seen with me now. I know none of my friends would actually say that to me but I imagine that must be how they feel.

I'll stop there.

Love Aoifs xxx



Staying stable x

Hey guys!

So im home from my holiday with pops! And it was FAB! Not alot of 26 year olds would probably go away with their dad but we got on so well and had a really good time. He really spoilt me and we just generally enjoyed the two weeks. It was nice that for the first time in a long time he said he wasnt worried about me and knew i was trying hard to continue recovering.

I had icecream every single day. And i didnt feel guilty. I enjoyed it. Obviously it wouldnt be very healthy to keep up that habit but as it was a holiday i allowed myself to indulge a little more than usual.

Im back at the hospital on friday after my month of freedom and my weight is the exact same as it was 4 weeks ago! I had every oppurtunity to lose weight as i wasnt being monitered but i didnt,i ate enough to maintain and coped. Success.

My short term lease is up on my apartment and ive decided to move back home. For one,its simply too expensive. I have four weddings this year and hen weekends and a trip to New York to fund and if i want to actually have a life i definitely cant stay in the apartment. Also i have found it quite lonely and have too much time to think on my own which is never good. I really do miss Daddy Ryan! Im glad i at least gave living alone a try as otherwise i would still be wondering what it would be like. Finally although i have coped well with eating in the apartment,it is much more stable and easier to manage when im at home and that was a major deciding factor.

Im having sleepless nights trying to decide what to do with life come september. I orginally thought about Montessori teaching but have since thrown that idea out the window. Im struggling between doing a counselling course or going into fashion styling&personal shopping. I think i have been too focused on what other people will think about my choices and i have to remember this is my life and to go with my heart...afterall everybody will have a different opinion and you cant please everyone all the time.

Gosh i could write alot more but i wont put u through that ;o) Well done if u got this far! I will write again soon.

Love Aoifs xxx

A month of freedom :o)

Hello!

Just thought i would do a little update even if its only me reading it lol ;o)

I saw my psych yesterday and i think it may have been the best appointment ive had in years!!! Seriously lol! I didnt even have to have bloods done! I got weighed as usual and it was up a considerable amount but i knew that already so it wasnt a huge shock to me. Dr. M was delighted,she said i was doing fantasticly well and that was beyond proud of me. And not just because i have been gainning weight. She said i looked and sounded so much happier and that she could see my attitude to recovery had totally changed.

Usually all of this would freak me out,but instead it felt great.

I had a big clearout of the clothes that are too small for me now...which was hard but needed to be done. No going back now.

I never thought it possible to feel this way,to be at this weight and cope with it. Im not exactly happy with it but coping with it is good enough for now. Dr. M reminded me im still underweight but i dont think its noticeable at all anymore,which is a good thing as i dont want to be seen as an eating disorder or someone who isnt healthy,i just want to be as normal as possible.

This day next week im off to the sunshine for two weeks and then not back at the hospital until the 27th april so have lots of time to prove i can handle things on my own and without my weekly appointments.

If anyone with an eating disorder is reading this please never give up hope in recovery because no matter how long u have been ill or what age you are it is never too late to recover. I didnt think it was possible but im proving myself wrong every single day.

xxx

Right and wrong x

Bam...

Reality hits.

I am freaking huge.

Every part of me is getting bigger by the day.

Ugh.

I just want to hide from the world until i lose all this fat.

But i wont.

Cant give up now.

Just wish it was a wee bit easier.

Im doing what is right,what is healthy...why does it feel so wrong sometimes?

xxx



Up up and away x

Hey all!

I wanted to write because i cant quite believe the change in myself over the last few months and i want to have it here incase i need a reminder that i actually felt this way as i know recovery is never a stright road.

I have really kind of 'let go' of my rigid ed behaviours and just...relaxed. It feels odd but in a good way. Obviously as i have made this change to my diet,my weight has of course gone up. But i am feeling ok with it as i know i am still underweight and need to keep gaining until i am healthy again. This is the closest i have come in years and although that is pretty great its also rather scary!

Who am i without my ed?

What will occupy my thoughts when its gone?

Can i live without it?

I dont know.

I want to be 'normal' so badly at this stage but Im not sure i can cope with gainning much more weight. To be honest i feel huge at this weight but i am not and will not let those feelings affect my recovery. If i listen to that voice in my head i know i will stop eating again and go back to square one and for what? I want a life that doesnt revolve around hospital addmissions or even hospital appointments every week. I want to be free of all that and leave that life behind. I guess i am well and truely on my way though :o)

Next month im off to the sunshine for two weeks with daddy R,and i am going to make sure and not take anorexia with us :o)

Love Aoifs xxx 

Moving on x

Hey guys!

I keep meaning to write but cant seem to find the words...so please excuse if this is rather rambley (is that even a word?!).

I think i have really taken some huge steps in how im thinking lately. Maybe as my weight is going up im becoming more logical or something i dont know? Is that how it works? Being thin used to be all i cared about and now it seems so...unimportant...its taken a back seat...

When i stop and think about my anorexia it makes me so angry at myself. When i look back at my blogs and see me repeating the same cycle and saying the same things over and over again,falling into the same traps,im sad. Some people might say dont look back etc. But i think sometimes we have to stop and look back in order to move forward.

I want to be as free as i can be. Im scared to leave this huge part of my life completely behind but i have to. I refuse to accept anorexia is with me forever. I dont want to be remembered as a disease. I want to be a good friend,daughter,mother,wife not just an anorexic. I want a full and healthy life and i wont stop until i get it,however long it takes.

"The man says, "I will climb this mountain.They told me it is too high, too far, too steep, too rocky and too difficult.But it's my mountain.I will climb it.You will soon see me waving from the top or dead on the side from trying." 

Love Aoifs xxx
 

New meds&Art therapy x

Hey guys,

I havent wrote in awhile...well its not been that long but it feels that long....if you know what i mean...hmmm.

Anyway i wasnt really writing cause things had been quite up and down but i finially feel like things are leveling out which is probably down to the new anti depressant i started about a month ago. Think it has finally kicked in and not a  moment too soon. Instead of being so uptight about my increasing weight im learning to accept it,it is going up ever so slowly each week or else staying the same. At first i was mad at myself for letting this happen. Letting my body have the fuel it needs. Not losing weight. It felt/feels wrong to be 'nice' to it and just eat what i need for it to function.

Of course those fat feelings havent disappeared but im learning once again to try and irgnore them and just get on with life with the support of Vincints. Tomorrow i am meeting the new art therapist to see if i am suitable for a place. I have done art therapy before and to be honest i found it useless. So i am a bit judgemental but said i would at least meet C (the art therapist) and see what she thought about it. Its a special course just for people with eating disorders which is another reason why i am not keen on going. My anorexia is fiercly competitiive and i fear it will trigger me if the other patients are really thin,especially with me being near my heaviest.

Has anyone out there any thoughts on Art therapy?

Im still having weigh in and bloods every friday but am hoping soon to reduce that to every two weeks. Im still waiting on psycotherapy to start. Who knows when that will be lol.

Anyway now that i am a fully fledged grown up and am living alone i best go sort out something for tea!!!

Love Aoifs xxx

Weight up,mood down x

Had my usual friday check up at the hospital and my weight was up a bit. Docter delighted. Aoifs not so much. Feel like breaking down the whole time and that is pathetic.

Got my bloods done that morning and the hospital rang me that night as magnesium has dropped yet again. This has been a consistant problem since my last admission even though ive had quite little active ed behaviours. Anyway im taking the supplements and they have just been uped!

My meal plan is out the window. One day ill have 2000 cals and the next 200 cals. I know i need to eat consistantly and have my meals and snacks but its all or nothing at the moment and i prefer nothing to be honest. Especially seeing my weight go up.

I feel disgusting at this weight. They want me to gain more. Eugh.

When i restrict or starve or purge i feel so much better in my head. Even if its bad for my body.

Giving up for today xxx

Recovery is possible x

Pancake please x

Hey guys.

So its pancake tuesday here and you cant excape it. And well for once i wasnt trying to escape it. Infact i looked forward to it and enjoyed it. Eh i think thats a big F*ck you to anorexia!!! I hope whoever u are and where ever u are u enjoyed ur pancakes :o) #not so scary after all.

I was just thinking ive only been living in my new apartment since friday and it feels like forever already. In a good way. Although of course i miss Daddy Ryan it was about time i took a leap of faith and gave myself the chance to see if i can stay as well as possible living alone and fending for myself. The way i see it is,i have to learn to take care of myself at some stage,i might as well go for it. Now or never. I cant live in a hospital or clinic or with my dad forever. Its time to grow up and move on. If only it was as simple as that though lol.

I have plently of safe food in and some quite scary food. Well actually i did have. I gathered up any food i felt i couldnt handle and gave them to dad to take home. I just dont want to look at them or have them near me. If i want something different or more challenging ill pop to tesco and buy it then. No big deal. Like today,i wanted a pancake so i had one. No drama.

Winning the war...

Love Aoifs xxx



ED Awareness Week x

Hi guys,

Well its that time of year again...(most of you probably wouldnt know what im talking about as it doesnt get as much coverage as it needs) but yes tomorrow marks the beginning of eating disorder awareness week.

The numbers of people,children,women and men suffering from some form of eating disorder are rising rapidly which is pretty scary,especially seen as vast amount of people suffer in silence and go untreated so we have no idea of the actual number of cases there truely is.

Whats also scary is we only have THREE public beds for eating disorders in the whole country. Absolutely unbelievable. If you are not lucky enough to get one of them theres not much choice but to go private presuming you have health insurance that is. A new clinic opened recently in Dublin and it costs 4500euro per WEEK. Then of course theres the matter of waiting lists....you could be dead by the time a bed becomes available and i dont say that lightly.

I personally have been extremely lucky to have a fantastic team working with me and supporting me every step of the way and i know if it wasnt for them looking out for me i wouldnt be here writing this. I would be another tragic statistic.

Eds are not 'just a phase' or 'a cry for help' or about how good and 'skinny' a person wants to look,they are serious life threaening illnesses which should be taken seriously no matter how trivial they may seem to some people.

If anyone reading this in Ireland needs support i urge you to talk to someone and BODYWHYS the eating disorder organisation is a great place to start. They will listen and not judge and they will simply guide you in getting the help you need and deserve.

http://www.bodywhys.ie/aboutUs/eating-disorders-awareness-week-2012/

Thanks so much for reading.

Love Aoifs xxx



A perfectly 'normal' day x

Hey guys,

Well its saturday night and im snuggled up in bed with only my laptop and hot choclate for comfort. To be honest im glad im not out on the town,am exhausted after a day out with S. I dont know why i should be tired,we just sat on our bums and ate hahaha. Well we took a little wander around the shops,then went to see a movie and got pic and mix (EEK) and then dinner (Double EEK) but thats a normal day right? Ok maybe not pic and mix EVERY day (Damn it) lol. It was good to see S,although her honesty cuts through me like a knife sometimes,i love the girl but man is she blunt sometimes!!!

Anyway great day,came home,wasnt feeling guilty really after my indulgance and then what do i do? Yep you guessed it...the f*cking scales screamed at me to check,just a little peek and i obliged. I have to be the biggest loser going,i know the power the numbers have over me and yet i repeatdly set myself up for failure. If the numbers up (which it was...) i freak but team are happy,if numbers down i calm down,feel more at ease but team are not at all happy. Its just a f*cking number!!!!

But im coping with it,earlier this year it would have thrown me back full force into my anorexia,now i dont like it but im dealing with it and hey thats got to count for something?

Love Aoifs xxx

A bad day x

Hello!

Today has just been shit. Food. Mood. Blah. Pathetic.

Also my cousin D died three years ago today and although i wasnt close to her at all really it reminds me of mum. I feel for D's family. I feel the heartache. I know what its like to miss someone and know it will never go away.

We all lose someone we love at some stage of course....but it never seems to get any easier.

For me personally i use my anorexia to cope with any bad feelings or memories. As soon as mum comes to mind i almost automatically turn to food and weight. Its a good distraction. I dont let her in. I try not to let myself miss her. I dont *usually look at photos of her. I dont share my memories of her. Its beyond awful but its almost like she was never here in ways,like i have blocked her out. I must be the worst daughter in the world.

Again this is another reason in a long list as to why i dont deserve to be well and happy.

Love Aoifs xxx

A giant leap x

Hi guys,

So its finally happening,im really moving out and living on my own! Found this cute and cosy little apartment in good location near bus,dart,shops,its perfect! I just have to add a touch of aoifs fairydust around the place and ill be good to go. Get the keys friday :o)

This will be a HUGE test especially re recovery. On my own with no one to tell me to eat or when to eat or what to eat. I know i could get myself into big trouble if i listened to the anorexia,but this is my chance to prove people wrong. I want to be responsible and cope on my own without relapsing.

Packing is a nightmare. I have soooo many clothes. I mean i knew that already but actually trying to pack it all....its ridiculous!!! Ill be leaving a good bit of stuff in the attic i think! A good/bad thing about moving out is ill have to pay rent (bills included) and for groceries etc so i will have no choice but to curb my shopping addiction.

A giant leap into the big bad world!

Love Aoifs xxx

Letting go x

So so sorry for my last post.

I was going to delete it but i like being honest and why should i delete the truth. Nobody can be positive all the time. Recovery  most definitely has its ups and downs and that is whats real.

My more reasonable head is back on and i havent let my mini meltdown mess things up to much at all. I did lose some of the weight i gainned but according to my psych i coped with things much better than she thought i would-dont know how to take that lol! And weight is definitely not the be all and end all.

Yes i am heavier but also healthier. I have not resorted to ed behaviours a huge amount. Sure they have crept in and i have dabbled in them but i have pulled myself out almost as fast as i fell in to them. I know there will be many more of these bumps in the road but i am ready for them.

I think once you make the decision to let go and be ready to do absolutely anything you can in order to free yourself of your eating disorder it gets a hell of a lot easier. I wont lie,im not there yet and various friends,family and pros have noticed this. But i want to be in that place. I really do.

Ive seen people recover...and it AMAZES me. Like actually amazes me,because i know how hard it is to even try. But it shows hope,it shows its possible. If my friends can recover,why cant i?

Its in my hands and i know that.

Now to let go...



Love Aoifs xxx

Tears x

A constant flow of tears.

I gainned 4 pounds in a week. FOUR.

I was uncontrollable at the hospital yesterday they wanted to admitt me.

How possibly can gainning be such a good thing when it makes u feel so horribly horribly :( I know its stupid and pathetic to some but i really dont think i can stick with this :( How many times have i said 'this time ill get better' never gona happen,i am useless. I can NOT cope with weight gain. I simply cant. I am a useless and pathetic mess.

I am NOTHING. Nothing without anorexia.

Alone.

I have to be strong and control my cravings. I can not allow food in me. Maybe some non fat yogurt if i really *need* it.

Dying would be easier,quicker....i was so close...another week or so and i would have been gone apparently. I shouldnt have let them near me.

xxx

Cannot do this x

I cant. I actually cannot do this anymore. Wake up everyday thinking about food,try and eat whats on my meal plan,staying up til 5 in the morning thinking about how little i can eat the next day,what im going to eat,where im going to eat...finally falling asleep exhausted only to wake up and do the same thing again. I feel sickly. I ate so much today i could cry. We're in our house in the country so ive eatin more than usual and i cant cope with it. It makes me want to eat nothing tomorrow. It disgusts me that i let all that food past my lips.

I had a shower today with my eyes closed. I could  feel every extra inch of flesh i have gainned.

It has to go.

How can i live like this?

Live in this body.

How can i hurt people all over again?

I wish i could be normal.Ive tried it.Really tried.

It hurts. Its abnormal.

I have a switch (i think everyone has one) that i can flick on and talk the talk when im with people 'Oh im so much better,it feels amazing,i want to keep going with recovery,making lots of plans for the future blah blah f*cking blah'

Selfish b*tch.

Why did they even save me?

Freedom...x

Hi lovelies,

In bed on a saturday night....actually have been in bed all day. So incredibly tired and sore. Ive just been sleeping and waking up at meal times to make sure i stick to the plan,which i have!

Im tired of resting but anything i do exhausts me and this confuses me as i am eating well with no ed behaviours to compensate.

Man i am just tiiiired.

Surely now im eating well i should be full of energy?

I dont know.

I know i must be still getting bigger,i can see the bones disappearing and the extra layers of fat covering them up.

I cant tell you how horrific this makes me feel.

Sometimes(and i KNOW this is awful)i think dying would be easier for everyone involved.

I would be free. My dad and family and friends might hurt but i honestly sometimes believe me not being around would be better for everybody,not just me. With time they would realise the relief.

Im not going to act on these thoughts,they are just feelings.

Just the truth.

Love Aoifs xxx

Falling down and weighing up x

Hi guys,

Oh.my.god.it is freaking freezing out!

This morning i was at the hospital and it went ok,weight up by like half a pound and bloods passable. Therapy still waiting to start and dietician next week when im back to see my psych who today greeted me with- 'Cute outfit' Now coming from a woman in her 40s im not sure this is a compliment lol ;o)

Anyway....

I then went into town to meet a friend for coffee but before i made it for the door i fell flat on the pavement. Ouch. My hands saved most of me but my leg oh dear god double ouch,i think i pulled a muscle or something cause its so sore when i walk! And a nice bloody knee to go with it. Perhaps indeed i am NOT superwoman and am still getting used to being up and about.

I got coffee and a pretty dress....worth the fall....haha sorry im joking. U dont laigh,you cry.

Back to bedrest.

Lovce Aoifs xxx



The dreaded weigh in...x

Fuckty fuck fuck.

Excuse the language!

Tomorrows weigh day and i am bricking it.

Its like torture every week.

I might plead my case and remind them i was weighed on tuesday so i should really not be weighed until next week.

A girl can try.

My eating today was perfectly normal,i wish it could be like that every day. It still feels wrong.

It still feels i shouldnt be allowed to eat.

BUT

I guess this means im pretty much winning so far ;o)

Love Aoifs xxx

Im doing it x

This recovery at home business is bloody hard work.
Dont get me wrong,im doing it.
But its going against everything in my head.
The guilt is still killing me at each meal.
But im doing it.

Its not so surprising really as during my admission i had no therapy. At all.
Im on the waiting list and near the top so hopefully that will help in some way?
Maybe someone can tell me how to get rid of those feeling of pure guilt,of desperation,of pure dread...
But im doing it.

Im back at the hospital on friday morning and think it will go ok because im bloody well doing it and not just saying im doing it.

Anorexias a bitch.

Just thought id get that out there.

Love Aoifs xxx

The pink cake did the trick x

Well it worked. Im home sweet home. Its a rather odd feeling to be honest. I am back in control. I decide when or if i eat or drink and take my meds. My recovery is in my hands...and thats a little scary.

I ate as much as i could in a bid for freedom. Now im left with guilt and a few extra pounds. I even surpassed my target,which now reads 5 stone 8 pounds. I wouldnt mind ever so much if those extra 8 pounds where to disappear...but then the logical part of me knows that would be a complete waste of this admission and all the help i was lucky enough to get.

Im finding it particulary hard to come to terms with the fact that i am at such a weight as when i look in the mirror i see 15 stone not 5. I see the chubby cheeks,the bingo wings,the love handles,i see the fat consuming me and feel powerless to stop it unless i stop eating.

However despite these clear anorexic thoughts i am determnied to try maitain my weight and attend all of my OP appointments. I will be seeing my psych,dietician,therapist and art therapist once a week and i think once i am honest with them things will continue to improve.

Now.....what on earth do i have for dinner? One of my fat free yogurts? Nah dont think so lol ;o) Bad joke.

Take care lovelies,
Aoifs xxx

Sorry...

....i think i may have forgot to mention something very important-

Cake.

PINK cake.

That is all.

xxx

Comments from others x

While in recovery or at any stage of an eating disorder for that matter,recieving comments good or bad can be absolutely detrimental.

In the past while in recovery and hearing a  comment such as 'Youre looking better' or 'You look well' has always reduced me to tears and been a huge trigger for me to run back to the safety of my anorexia. When well meaning friends/relatives say such comments they do so to make us feel good,to encourage us,they dont mean what we (anorexics/bulimics etc) hear. What we hear is much different. I used to immeditaly turn these comments into something negative such as 'You've gained weight' or 'You look fatter' or something of this nature.

This is something i think alot of people with eating disorders find hard,i know i did and still do at times but ive learnt to just accept these comments as compliments as that is exactly what they are. For example if someone said to you 'Youre looking well' it doesnt translate into 'Youre looking fat' people could simply mean you are dressed well,your hair is nice,you have a healthy glow etc.

Weight may not even have entered their heads!

After coming out of my last stint in hospital in May,i must have recieved about 100 comments on how well and better i looked,infact it happened so often i had little choice but to accept these comments gratefully and in the end i grew to LIKE people complimenting me and now have a big head haha.

I think the most important thing to remember is peoples comments are mostly very well meaning and they are trying to give you a compliment....i think instead of laughing it off we should turn around and say THANK YOU.

Love Aoifs xxx

All about the cake x

Not just cake...PINK CAKE. 

Oh how i love thee...why must u be so evil yet so yummy.
I am on a  mission to gain weight so i am going to have my cake and eat it and enjoy it. And i might make it a regular thing just because....ive missed out on many a cake over the years so logically i should really catch up? ;o)

Live love eat cake.

xxx

Medication x

So tuesday has come and gone and not a pound in sight. 0.1kg up. Ffs. Here i am eating more than i have in bloody ages and THAT was my increase! I didnt know wether to laugh or cry so i did both.

I have 1.25kg to gain before i get to a BMI of 14....is this possible before next weigh in on tuesday,damn im gonna make it possible. Today i ate CAKE and it was bloody good AND it was PINK and there was little guilt. Could it get any better?

The past few days have been hard,they are changing my medication reducing one anti-depressant and increasing a new one. Now its a waiting game! I dont know about meds,i mean wether i agree with them or not but ive always taken them whenever prescribed since the age of 15. They dont take the sadness away or the desperation but can take the edge off or give u a false high (this is just m,y experience of them) Another med im on makes me quite dopey and slow and i hate that but they say i need to stay on it to be well.

Meds or no meds....that is the question?

Love Aoifs xxx

Sink or swim...x

Anorexia (or any ed for that matter) is very difficult to explain and understand. It sneaks its way in ever so slowly and before u know it youre stuck like glue. It must be absolutely impossible for outsiders to understand because hell i barely understand it half the time myself.

Why would someone choose to starve to a deathly weight? Or binge and purge until the fridge is empty? Or complusively eat and eat until they physically cannot fit in any more food?

It sounds like madness....maybe it is....but it is also a very real reality for many people.

Im sitting here in my hospital bed with layers of blankets over me freezing cold,alone andwish i could eat without guilt,without any ed behaviours. My body aches from head to toe with cramps and pain. Pain that has reduced me to tears some nights.

I know if i reach my bmi of 14 on tuesday i will be let loose. The power all back in my hands. The control. The high. The comfort of knowing no one can tell me when and what to eat.

This admission has stabilised my mood and stopped my weightloss. Im now on a new anti depressant which i hope will kick in asap and am not so weak i find it hard to walk. I think i can function at this weight. I think i can maintain it. But to be blunt i know i dont deserve to find my way out. I dont deserve their help. I dont deserve to be well.

BUT i will not waste what i have learned on this and previous admissions.

I will rise everytime i fall as they say.

Love Aoifs xxx

'Down down she goes...'

I didnt quite realize where i was going when i was 14...if only i had known that throwing my lunch away at school would lead to over a decade of heartache,pain and misery. And not just for me.

If i had known the sadness tht would hit me and stay with me.
If i has known the damage i was doing to my body and mind.
If i had known the countless hospital admissions that were to come...
If i had known one day i would need a feeding tube to keep me alive.
If i had known i was striving for something unattainable.

If i could go back to that one single day when i decided i didnt need to eat,didnt deserve to eat,was too fat to eat...that day when i realised i was in control of my body and nothing or no one could stop me,would i be in hospital aged 26 fighting an immense battle all these years later?

I dont know. But what i do know is it was the beginning stages of 'severe chronic anorexia nervosa' that haunts me to this day. I wake up and its there,i close my eyes at night and its there. It follows my every move.It consumes me.

I hate it with a passion yet am terrrified to let it go. What am i without it?

Love Aoifs xxx

Trying to be positive x

So i survived weigh day! Gainned a pound! Felt horrificly fat and then i realised its just one bloody pound,its probably not even noticable,it just FEELS awful.

This week i am actually dying for weigh day as if i meet my target of 5 and a half i am allowed home so i am gobbling up everything lol. But then i get confused,i feeel like im binging but my dietician says i havent even reached 1000 cals yet. Im at 800 now and it feels way too much even though logically i know its not enough its still alot more than i was eating before admission. A girl can live on 3 fat free yogurts a day i thought...boy was i wrong.

Leaving food and weight aside,im super paranoid everyone is sick and tired of me,i dont have many visitors apart from family and one good friend. Im scared i have lost all my friends and when i get out they wont want to know me,i mean they MUST be sick of me at this stage,im sick of me.

Anorexia is a very lonely secretive illness. Its selfish and destroys everything it touches,i hate it for what it has done to me,my family,my friends but only i have the power to beat it and i will. I dont know when or how but one day i swear ill be free.

Love Aoifs xxx

Weigh day tomorrow x

F#ck.

That is all.

Admitted x

Well i went to my appointment the day after my last post and they admitted me 'for a few days rest'...over five weeks later im stilll bloody here. Sneaky docters! I wont bore u with the details but basically i sneaked out that night and got as far as Clontarf dart station dosed up on valium when the nurses and docter on call rang they told me the police where at my house waiting for me,hearing this i jumped back on the dart and went back to hospital voluterily yet as soon as i got back they sectioned me.

I actually honestly cant remember alot of it as i hadnt eatin in quite a while and dropped 10 pounds intwo weeks and since ive been here ive lost another 8 pounds. Down went the NG feeding tube as i was physically unstable,bloods were all over the place,low potassium,low magnesium,kidneys and liver struggling and mentally exhausted.

For the first couple of weeks i ate half a fat free yogurt at meal times. Even i can understand thats not enough. But no matter what food they gave me i just could not eat it. Now i am off the NG tube im eating 3 meals a day which are almost always followed by tears. I want to have NOTHING in my tummy,i want to be EMPTY!

Right now im still on bedrest and at 5 st 2lbs which may sound a bit low but i feel it should be lower,like i didnt push my body enough,i should have lost more. When i get to 5 st 7lbs i am allowed to go home and continue my recovery as an outpatient.

Im just scared all my friends are so sick and tired of me,i know this illness hurts more than just me and im sorry for that.

My best friend is having a baby boy on the 27th of January and she has asked me to be godmother. I will HAVE to be well. And i will be.

For now i will fight no matter how scary it may seem xxx