A sunny spell x

Hi guys!

What is with all the sunshine? Im LOVING it! Time to bring the maxi dresses back to life :o)

So since i got off bedrest life has got so much brighter! I had a long weekend at home which mostly went very well,then i had a mid week overnight and im getting weekend leave again tomorrow lol basically im at home more than im here now which is bloody fanfuckingtastic :o)

I wont pretend its easy and everything is wonderful cause its still such hard work but im getting there and im having fun as i do it! Im struggling big time with the weight gain and panic when i think how much more i have to gain but at least i can do it at my own pace (within reason) and it will be gradual and easier to deal with...thats what im hoping anyway!!!

I know im not at a healthy weight but i am at a safe weight and my docter is happy with that and so am i. I have every intention of full recovery but im not going to rush it even if some people think i should. We are all different and different things work for different people. I know alot of people still think 'heard it all before aoifs' and i dont blame them but i cant please everyone and make them believe me,i guess with time i will prove it to them.

Anyway i have been hitting the shops BIG STYLE since ive been out and having a ball! Have to say Penneys and Dunnes are on the money right now got some lovely stuff in there and they are great to mix with more highstreet stores. I have most definitely been feeding my addiction on summer bits and bobs as on the 15th of may im going to Lanzarote for two weeks with my friend S! Excited much? Eh YES!

One of my friends from here is pretty ill right now,she is trying so hard but i can see the pain on her face and i just want to make her better,i want her to feel how i feel now. I want her to be able smile again. And i just dont know if theres anything i can do only make sure she knows im here if and when she needs someone who understands. I can see anorexia destroying her just as it did me and i just hope to god she can get through this....maybe this is how some of my friends have felt when im unwell? I dont really believe that though cause i dont think that many of them care anymore as i have been sick so long and not been a good friend to them so really dont deserve them. Its really only friends with eds that bother with me at this stage,im greatful i at least have someone who cares,some people have no one in their world so i am lucky really.

I WILL be a better friend xxx

The magical number 15=FREEDOM x

No more bedrest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whooohuuuuu *happydance* :-)

After over two months confined to bed i never want to see one again LOL Ive slept enough to last me a lifetime!!!

Although you know whats really quite annoying? I still feel tired...perhaps its the meds? I would have thought with my eating being so much better i would be bouncing off the walls at this stage! But no. I feel rather...i duno how you would say it...dopey? LOL i dont know,just not myself!

15 is where Dr.M wanted to me to get as it gets me out of the red zone (danger) however a healthy Bmi is 20-25 so theres still quite a way to go. Weve agreed i can stay at 15 for the moment and then slowly gain a little more and so on. Im not looking for a way out or quitting or anything of the sort,i just know from previous experience when i was forced to gain weight rather quickly,it backfired badly!

I WILL get to a healthy BMI but in time. Im just pressing the pause button at the moment in order for my head to catch up with my body.

Mentally apparently im still delousional. On bedrest obviously i was eating in my room but now im off it i am expected to eat in the dinning room with everyone else and this terrifies me. I told my nurse and she asked what was i so afraid of? My answer 'They will all think i am too fat to be eating as much as i have to. I will be so embarrassed to eat infront of them.' Silly really since they are seriously all nutters in here and i shouldnt give a crap about what they might or might not be thinking,they have their own problems! But still it IS a big worry.

Anyway i cant wait to stop talking so much about the anorexia and more about fashion.And that will come in time,probably when im out of here which will be early may fingers crossed. Then the bobster is taking me away somewhere hot and sunny for a week of pampering and when i get back i am going to a college open day to do a fas course 'fast track to employment' aswell as doing my fashion course later in the year.

I know ive said it a million times before but i DO feel like something has clicked this time...maybe because i was so ill before i came in here,it kind of gave me a scare and it was do or die.

'You set yourself free.'

The return of Aoifs x

Yep i believe she is making a comeback...

LOL!

Today i got three hours out and went and got my hair done,highlights so i am on my way back to blonde. Its amazing how pampering yourself in such a way can really give u a boost! I felt great walking over there and even better walking back (The hairdressers is only across the road lol) I felt like me. Just me. Not anorexic aoifs...i want rid of her. She has done nothing but hurt me and the people i love. Shes threatened to kill me on a number of occassions now but i wont let her win.

I have gainned a significant amount of weight over the past two months but whats strange is i have been coping with it (So far anyway) i try everyday to accept it and keep on the right track. And more importantly remember why im here and why i want to recover.

There IS life beyond anorexia,i really do believe it now,youve just got to stick with it. Its ok to pause for a while and stand still once u dont go backwards. One missed meal...one box of laxatives...one episode of purging....and before u know it your right back in the grips of this bloody eating disorder.

I remember my first night here i was really phsycially not well and there were docters and nurses in and out all night before i finally was transferred to the medical ward. When i was stable enough to return my room mate told me she was convinced i was going to die that night but somebody up there was looking down on me i think...thanks mum!

Everyone is telling me i am doing great and have improved so much and that they are proud of me...what d i say to that lol...thank you? I mean i can see and feel the changes and im not just talking about the weight gain,but im able to look beyond anorexia and participate in the real world.

I know at a bmi of 14.7 ive still got a way to go to get to 19 but i will slowly take on the next stage of recovery and go in the right direction. I tend to sometimes think i am fine now because i am out of the danger zone so i feel i shouldnt have to gain anymore weight and that i can function at this weight! I am just terrified of losing control and end up on the other side of the scale.

I had another little visit from the lovely S! I swear this girl is AMAZING! She is a little fighting machine and is doing her best to recover but she has a long struggle ahead of her and im so proud that she is trying so hard. She bought me the most beautiful disney couture bracelet that says 'Have faith in your dreams' probably the most thoughtful present i have been given so THANK YOU s ;-)

U know whats funny/scary? Im sitting here in bed and im hungry. There i admitted to it. IM HUNGRY. But i have been eating about every two hours so dont know how in the world my tummy wants more LOL.

Time to sleeeeep i think...

'You save yourself or u remain unsaved.'

xxx

Thoughts x

Cant believe how beautiful the weather has been lately. This is Ireland isnt it??? We dont see the sun that often so to be stuck in here made me SLIGHTLY mad. I think i must have stressed this point to Dr M on friday and she agreed to an hour a day off bedrest. HAPPINESS. I even got dressed today just to go sit in the garden which felt great.

Ok my life sounds way too exciting right now doesnt it? ;-)

Im getting through the days ok here i just keep thinking it wont be for much longer and i have to stick it out this time. I said i would never discharge mself againest medical advice again and i wont. But Dr M has agreed i can maintain my weight when its between bmi of 15 and 16 and she will discharge me then so i can slowly gain the rest of the weight as an outpatient. She says even if it only goes up half a pound a week its still progress in the right direction.

The mistake ive made in the past is gainning the weight back too fast and then freaking out and running backwards but this time ive gained it slowly and steadily and am accepting the numbers on the scales simply must increase if i want a good quality of life.

Ive been thinking alot about recovery and relapse. I know alot of friends with exciting disorders over the past 10 years and i find it difficult to pick many who has recovered and STAYED recovered. Makes me think i am silly for believing this is my last hospital admission? I have great hope it will be. Bedrest and feeding tubes are not the life i desire anymore.

I want my dad to walk me down the ailse when im getting married to my handsome millionaire boyfriend (i made him up in my head until the real one comes along lol) and more than anything to see me healthy and happy again. I'll never forgive myself for what i put him through...all the stress and worry i cant imagine what it must be like to watch ur daughter slowly starve herself until shes a heart attack waiting to happen.

Another thing ive been thinking about is how every time i relapse my weight goes lower than the last time. I feel it should have been lower when i came in. But it will never be enough. I will never be skinny enough. I will still be too fat. The thing is there is always going to be an anorexic thinner than you and one heavier than you. Its dangerous comparing yourself to other anorexics but the competitive streak always lurks around the corner.

Ok i have been writing way to much and its supper time so i best be off xxx

Acceptance x

Being in here and stuck to the bed like glue gives u alot of time to think...

And i think that i am starting to let go of the anorexia finally. I think i have accepted that i NEED to eat to live,i DESERVE to eat,eating is NOT a sin,its essential to survive. Ive also accepted the weight gain and accept there is much more to come. This still does terrify me BUT i am leaving this to one side and just concentrating on doing what i need to do to learn to live again.

So what if my face is a little fuller,if my pot belly sticks out a bit,if i look a bit chubby....who the f cares except for me? Surely my family and friends arent going to abandon me if i gain a couple of stone,at least i hope they wont lol!

Im sick of being ill. Being a patient. Being fragile and sensitive,hiding my self in the body of a little girl. I am a 25 year old woman. I should look like one and feel like one. I have to accept that also. I cant be daddys little girl forever. I have to stand on my own two feet and be responsible and choose recovery. Choose LIFE.

Dad said today he has noticed very little change in how i look but that there is a big change in my mood and mental state. I guess as i get better everyday your brain begins to work again (before i came in i couldnt string a sentence together unless it was about food or weight) and now i see the benifits! I have more room for my dreams :-) I want to do things again. I can pick up a book and actually read it. Follow a movie. Get involved in conversations without drifting off into my own little bubble. Im slowly coming out of that bubble and entering the real world. This is what i need/want/deserve to do...

But why am i so afraid of it all....?