Feeling low...

I dont know what i want to write...i just feel the need to write...

After my appointment yesterday im feeling quite low.

I didnt see Dr M and saw a reg instead which was a little bit of a waste of time as i can only really be honest with Dr M. 

I seem to be going round in circles time and time again. I lose weight,end up in hospital,gain weight,get depressed,lose weight again,end up in hospital and so on.The reg asked me what they can do to help me out of this cycle and neither of us knew the answer.

I feel like there is no answer.

This is me full of self pity and feeling sorry for myself im sorry,i just feel completely alone with these negative thoughts.

Since i last wrote ive been losing weight again,nothing drastic but its the ONLY thing making me feel a bit better.

Ive been trying to be positive and happy but the mask is slowly slipping.

Im at a loss.

I dont know how people recover,i really dont. Even when im doing better,eating and at a healthier weight,anorexia is always with me,always by my side,whispering in my ear.

Does it ever really go away???

xxx

Late night rambles...

What to do when you cant sleep?

Blog!!!

My mind is racing and wont let me rest!

I thought i had made up my mind about studying healthcare in September but i just dont know. Something doesnt feel quite right. I keep coming back to fashion. I feel like i have no more time to waste and i have to get this decision right. But I just cannot decide and its driving me crazy!

I thought i wanted to stay away from fashion because it could be triggering...but the more i think about it,the more i think healthcare could be also. I guess there will be triggers throughout life whatever i do and instead of avoiding them,i have to learn to deal with them and not let them affect me.

Both courses start the second week in September so i know i have more time to think,but not knowing which i want to do is making me wonder can i do either of them?

Maybe i should just go back to the safe little world of anorexia...

I have regained the weight i lost in Lanzarote and more on top of that.

I have exactly one stone to gain and i will be at my target weight.

I look so huge compared to my lowest weight,its hard to accept the changes in my body but i definitely appreciate this new found energy that comes from some good nutrition :o)

Living is fun again..

But also extremely scary!

I catch myself thinking several times a day,how much easier it would be to go back to anorexia.

So safe.

Reliable.

Comforting.

But i cant go back. Im not sure id find my way back out again.

So onwards and upwards it is!!!

xxx

A little taste of normality...

I woke up this morning STARVING!

I dont know if it was the alcohol from the night before or what it was but there was no ignoring this hunger.

I made myself scrambled egg.

I ate it.

And i feel almost good about it!

I weighed myself.

The number has crept up.

I dont care SO much.

Im not going to do my usual 500 leg lifts.

Screw that.

No jogging on the spot either.

I LOVE these days.

When i feel FREE.

Almost...normal?

It probably helped that i went out last night with friends and just had FUN.

It felt good.

So what if i dont weigh 5 stone anymore...who REALLY cares except me?

Do i really want to go down that road yet again?

What is there to gain?

Theres everything to lose.

Its Fathers Day and my dad is due home from Lanzarote this evening.

Im going to take him out to dinner.

And enjoy it.

Two fingers up to anorexia!!!

xxx

Thoughts...

Living alone is hard.

My anorexia loves it.

I love it...at times. 

At other times,not so much.

Im torn between what my eating disorder wants and what i want.

Its very easy not to eat.

It feels good.

But of course we have to eat to stay alive.

I like food.

But i dont deserve food.

I enjoy eating.

So i dont eat as a punishment.

I eat,i feel bad mentally. 

I dont eat,i feel bad physically.

Eating disorders are bloody complex!!!

If only there was a tablet we could take or an operation to remove it.

A magical cure.

A quick fix.

Instead it takes time. Alot of time. And hard work.

But ive seen people recover.

I know its possible.

I just dont know if its possible for me...

xxx

Home sweet home...

Well i made it home in one piece!

Although with a very burnt red nose and a misplaced suitcase!

Sudacream should fix the nose and the case has been found but yet to be delivered!

After eating very little and dropping half a stone while away,all hell broke loose as I let myself eat today.

I know logically it would be considered a 'normal' amount but it feels like a binge.

I feel FULL. BLOATED. UNCOMFORTABLE.

I long for the emptiness again.

I inevitably ended up in the chemist to get my supply of laxatives. Trying to remember which chemists ive been to recently and which ones wont recongnize me.

My dad cried this morning.

It was truely awful.

I am a horrible person.

A terrible daughter.

A waste xxx