Feel the fear...

...and do it anyway.

And that is what i have done today.

Three meals.

My tummy round and bulging.

A food baby.

Its not getting any easier.

They wont tell me my weight.

I imagine i have gained an awful lot.

Much more than i can deal with.

Surely i should know my weight that way i wont get too much of a shock when i do eventually get to weigh myself?

And why does it even matter so much?

Why do i care so much?

I dont judge any of my friends on their weight.

I swear i dont.

Why do i think they would do it to me?

I imagine they are repulsed by what they see and cant help but be disgusted by my size.

What are they going to think if i keep getting bigger and bigger?

What if i lose all control???

Hospital life

Three weeks in hospital today and everything is okay.

My next tribunal isnt for 3 months but Dr M says she will discharge me way before then :)

Im still on the NG but not using it as much as i have been eating a little.

That feeling of food in my tummy is one of the worst feelings there is,i long to be empty again,to feel hunger...

Im trying to stick to some sort of meal plan but i dont know how long i can keep it up for.The only thing that makes me feel better is starving and losing weight. I feel disgusting eating. I dont want to do it but its the only way out. And i know i cant stop again as soon as i get out or ill end up back in. I have to find some sort of middle ground.

I dont just want a quick fix. I need to do this properly somehow.

I have no idea how...

Round and round she goes...

Yet again i have ended up in hospital.

My 3rd admission this year...nothing to be proud of.

I am disappointed in myself.

That i let this happen again.

After my last admission i was eating well and continued to gain weight.

I reached my highest weight in years and sheer panic took over and i stopped eating.

My weight became unstable,my bloods became unstable and i became unstable.

Afraid to leave the house for what people may think of my weight gain.

So here i am back on the psych ward and back on a NG tube under section.

I feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed.

But...id rather be honest than keep hiding away.

Im having ECT treatment again and after only one session it is helping already.

Im getting tube fed 20 hours a day and expected to eat on top of that which really seems near impossible. I am managing little bits now which is some improvement but each mouthful is full of guilt.

I know i will bounce back from this as i usually do...but how long for? And is it worth it?

I just dont know anymore...

xxx

Today is hard...

Its just one of those days.

Dad is away and i seem to fall apart on my own. Its only been 24 hours and everything seems too much. Eating is impossible. I feel like crying but im afraid i wont stop.

Im doing the best i have ever done with recovery. My weight is steadily increasing and im eating well with little or no behaviours.

I couldnt have done this living alone. I am so happy to be living back home.

Its days like today that make me realise i made the right decision.

Even though it feels like a failure in a way.

Now i LOOK normal,i feel i should ACT normal,but i dont FEEL normal...if that makes sense.

I expect everyone thinks i am fine now because i look fine when inside i am so scared.

Scared of the future. I imagine everyone feels this way at some stage,its just when i usually feel it i run back into the arms of anorexia. And i cant...wont...do that this time.

The easy thing to do would be to go back.

Im not going to take the easy route.

No matter how scared and overwhelmed i may be.

The weight gain is extremely difficult to get used to. I feel utter disgust at my body at the moment and i havent even reached my target weight yet. It seems ridiculous i could still have more to gain. Its so hard. A layer of fat now covers where my bones used to protrude. My tummy sticks out. My face is round. I can pinch the flesh around the tops of my arms.

I cant actually bare to think about it...

I have to chose what course to do at the end of September and i am at a loss.

I am really just doing a course because i think its expected of me now im well enough to study.

Dad is giving me no pressure whats so ever to go back to college,he thinks i should just catch up on life and all the fun ive missed out on over the years. But hey that doesnt pay the bills does it? ;o)

More than anything i need something to occupy my time.

Im joining the gym when i return home from London and plan to go most days so that will give me a purpose to get out of the house. And were also going to get a little dog again i think,mans best friend and all that!

So i do have plenty to look forward to.

Just got to keep swimming......xxx

Back in action...

So its been awhile!

A few days after i wrote my last post i was admitted to a medical ward with dangerously low potassium and magnesium levels. I was getting chest pain,palpations,dizziness and pins and needles. After two potassium drips,several ECGs and a heart monitor i was stable enough to be moved to the psych ward. My weight loss continued at a fast pace and soon enough i was on an NG tube.

My admission lasted only 5 weeks with my team saying they had done all they can for me as an inpatient and the power to change is in my hands.

I will see them twice a week and i am sticking to a reasonable meal plan.

Something is different this time though. I dont want to just get by or keep my weight at this level,i want to get to a healthy weight and be healthy in mind and body for once.

Im determined to slowly get there.

I want to put anorexia behind me.

So ive got a month to see how i do and if i cant stick to the meal plan or if i am losing weight im going to do a full inpatient eating disorder programme and committ however long it takes and whatever it takes for me to be completely healthy again.

For the moment im trying to do it on the outside and have got a fab holiday with the girls coming up next weekend. Im going to try and go away and leave anorexia at home if at all possible.

So thats the plan!

Sorry ive havent got to write in ages,hopefully i will keep it up now im back.

Lots of love from Aoifs xxx

Feeling low...

I dont know what i want to write...i just feel the need to write...

After my appointment yesterday im feeling quite low.

I didnt see Dr M and saw a reg instead which was a little bit of a waste of time as i can only really be honest with Dr M. 

I seem to be going round in circles time and time again. I lose weight,end up in hospital,gain weight,get depressed,lose weight again,end up in hospital and so on.The reg asked me what they can do to help me out of this cycle and neither of us knew the answer.

I feel like there is no answer.

This is me full of self pity and feeling sorry for myself im sorry,i just feel completely alone with these negative thoughts.

Since i last wrote ive been losing weight again,nothing drastic but its the ONLY thing making me feel a bit better.

Ive been trying to be positive and happy but the mask is slowly slipping.

Im at a loss.

I dont know how people recover,i really dont. Even when im doing better,eating and at a healthier weight,anorexia is always with me,always by my side,whispering in my ear.

Does it ever really go away???

xxx

Late night rambles...

What to do when you cant sleep?

Blog!!!

My mind is racing and wont let me rest!

I thought i had made up my mind about studying healthcare in September but i just dont know. Something doesnt feel quite right. I keep coming back to fashion. I feel like i have no more time to waste and i have to get this decision right. But I just cannot decide and its driving me crazy!

I thought i wanted to stay away from fashion because it could be triggering...but the more i think about it,the more i think healthcare could be also. I guess there will be triggers throughout life whatever i do and instead of avoiding them,i have to learn to deal with them and not let them affect me.

Both courses start the second week in September so i know i have more time to think,but not knowing which i want to do is making me wonder can i do either of them?

Maybe i should just go back to the safe little world of anorexia...

I have regained the weight i lost in Lanzarote and more on top of that.

I have exactly one stone to gain and i will be at my target weight.

I look so huge compared to my lowest weight,its hard to accept the changes in my body but i definitely appreciate this new found energy that comes from some good nutrition :o)

Living is fun again..

But also extremely scary!

I catch myself thinking several times a day,how much easier it would be to go back to anorexia.

So safe.

Reliable.

Comforting.

But i cant go back. Im not sure id find my way back out again.

So onwards and upwards it is!!!

xxx

A little taste of normality...

I woke up this morning STARVING!

I dont know if it was the alcohol from the night before or what it was but there was no ignoring this hunger.

I made myself scrambled egg.

I ate it.

And i feel almost good about it!

I weighed myself.

The number has crept up.

I dont care SO much.

Im not going to do my usual 500 leg lifts.

Screw that.

No jogging on the spot either.

I LOVE these days.

When i feel FREE.

Almost...normal?

It probably helped that i went out last night with friends and just had FUN.

It felt good.

So what if i dont weigh 5 stone anymore...who REALLY cares except me?

Do i really want to go down that road yet again?

What is there to gain?

Theres everything to lose.

Its Fathers Day and my dad is due home from Lanzarote this evening.

Im going to take him out to dinner.

And enjoy it.

Two fingers up to anorexia!!!

xxx

Thoughts...

Living alone is hard.

My anorexia loves it.

I love it...at times. 

At other times,not so much.

Im torn between what my eating disorder wants and what i want.

Its very easy not to eat.

It feels good.

But of course we have to eat to stay alive.

I like food.

But i dont deserve food.

I enjoy eating.

So i dont eat as a punishment.

I eat,i feel bad mentally. 

I dont eat,i feel bad physically.

Eating disorders are bloody complex!!!

If only there was a tablet we could take or an operation to remove it.

A magical cure.

A quick fix.

Instead it takes time. Alot of time. And hard work.

But ive seen people recover.

I know its possible.

I just dont know if its possible for me...

xxx

Home sweet home...

Well i made it home in one piece!

Although with a very burnt red nose and a misplaced suitcase!

Sudacream should fix the nose and the case has been found but yet to be delivered!

After eating very little and dropping half a stone while away,all hell broke loose as I let myself eat today.

I know logically it would be considered a 'normal' amount but it feels like a binge.

I feel FULL. BLOATED. UNCOMFORTABLE.

I long for the emptiness again.

I inevitably ended up in the chemist to get my supply of laxatives. Trying to remember which chemists ive been to recently and which ones wont recongnize me.

My dad cried this morning.

It was truely awful.

I am a horrible person.

A terrible daughter.

A waste xxx

´Dont look...just dont look...

I tell myself this as i walk briskly through the door of the supermarket. As i head straight for my diet coke i dont dare even dream of looking at anything else.
SImply because looking leads to temptation and temptation can lead to purchasing all sorts of items. Having such forbidden foods at my hands may lead to consumption which inevitably leads to this chubby exterior getting even chubbier.
I cant have that.
I wont allow it.
Anorexia wont allow it.
But oh how good the freshly backed bread smells...STOP IT!!!
GET OUT OF THE SUPERMARKET RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!
Surely one small soft doughy breadroll cant do to much harm?
DONT LISTEN!!! CARBS ARE THE DEVIL!
Safely out of the supermarket with my diet coke supply for the day,i walk as fast as i can along the beach,temptation haunting me at every corner.
ICE CREAM!
Soft and soothing.
SUGAR AND FAT.
I imagine indulging in it once again...
There would be too many reprecussions i decide.
Later i lay by the poolside in the sunshine as i watch couples and familes laugh and argue in equal measures. I long for it...
NORMALITY.
But i am still caught up in this insanity xxx

A normal life...

Sometimes you just get those little reminders when you least expect it about how far behind your peers you actually are. A conversation with friends last night has left me feeling rather out of place and left behind. (Not in ANY way my friends fault by the way!!!)

Of course i have felt this before but its been quite a while since it left me feeling low like this. While casually chatting about marriage and babies and buying houses it suddenly hit me how far away from those things i really am compared to my friends.

Nearly all of them are in long term relationships,or even married,have babies or are planning them,looking for houses to settle down in,have good jobs,are driving...i could go on.

And i KNOW its all my fault i dont have these things.

And i KNOW im not the only one.

But i cant help feel alone and like i will never have these things.

And that is down to me.

But i wish it was as simple as sitting down and eating three meals a day.

I wish it was as simple as gaining weight.

I have done these things but it never seems to last.

Anorexia creeps back in and before i know it my control is gone.

Im gone.

Every time it gets a little harder to find my way back.

I want to be healthy. I want to live a normal life. I want to go to college in September. I want to fall in love,get married and have babies.

I dont understand why it is so hard to simply be 'normal'...

xxx

Not so much a goodbye...

...more of a 'see you soon'.

Thats kind of how therapy ended yesterday.

We agreed i would have some time out until the 2nd of July and go from there.

I would have liked longer.

Like forever perhaps!!!

I see Dr.M on friday morning and will then find out how long i can have a break from seeing her for. I know some people think im doing the wrong thing and maybe i am but its my mistake to make. I really feel this is a move in the right direction. I feel i have been given everything the hospital can give and taken everything from it over the years...its time i go it alone and see what happens. 

I might fall apart,i might not. I just know im sick of being a sick person. Of going to that hospital twice a week. Of seeing the same people there week after week,month after month,even year after year. I AM one of THOSE people and i dont want to be anymore.

I know of course i am not 'recovered' but i am a million times closer and thats good enough for me for the moment.

I am living life,I am out on my own,im going away,im meeting friends,im going to college,im not sitting at home in bed not eating all day and that to me is something truely amazing.

I dont by any means think everyone should take a break from treatment,but i do think theres a time and place and this is my time.

I hope people who are reading this understand my decision and thank you for all of you who support me,it gives me another reason to keep going.

Take care lovelies xxx

Therapy xxx

I have my usual therapy appointment with T tomorrow and its going to be the last one for awhile.

I think sometimes a break from treatment is greatly needed...this is one of those times.

I know she thinks the going is getting tough and now i want to run but well yeah shes right.

I dont want to de dragged back to years ago and through it bit by bit,tear by tear. Sure the brave thing to do would be stay and fight.

But i feel i will crumble talking about these things.

Im simply not ready...maybe i never will be.

I get on so well with T,ive worked on and off for seven years so it will be hard to say goodbye tomorrow.

Maybe in a few months i will feel differently but for now,im running.

FAST.

Im also spacing out my psych appiontments from every week to once every 2/3 months.

Who knows if this break in treatment will be the making or the breaking of me but its time to give it a good go at least.

Do you think im mad? Is this the right decision?

Any advice welcome :)

Thanks for reading xxx

Update x

Hey guys,

Long time no see!

Im just getting back into the blogging world again and thought i would update!

In my last post i wrote about stopping my medication...BIG MISTAKE.

On the 30th of December i took an overdose of over 200 tablets.

After 9 days on a medical ward in one hospital i was stable enough to be transferred to a psych ward in another under section where i stayed for four months.

I dont remember much of the first 6 weeks except that i had an intense desire to die and was on 24hour watch.

I expect this period of time was much harder for family and friends than it actually was for me as i was in my own little world. I cant imagine the pain and worry i caused my dad. He is everything to me but when i took that overdose i honestly thought he was better off free of me.

I realise now this is ridiculous and couldnt be further from the truth. He would rather have me here and with anorexia than not have me here at all.

Suicide is a very difficult issue for a lot of people. Some people say it is selfish. And maybe theyre right. But please understand when you are in a place where you want to die you can think the world is better off without you in it.

Personally i felt i caused nothing but heartache to those around me. I had one relapse after another and couldnt cope with the thoughts of failing again,letting everyone down and falling back into the grips of anorexia.

While i was in hospital i had eight sessions of ECT to try and lift my depression. This helped to a certain extent in that i wasnt actively trying to hurt myself at any given opportunity anymore but it did not 'cure' me.

I was once again fed through an NG tube and yes it got my weight up but anorexia still holds me tight even at a healthier weight.

So here i am today writing this trying to remind myself how lucky i am to be alive and that even if i am forever anorexic,life is precious and can be enjoyed and i have plenty of reasons to continue to fight.

Hope youre all well and thank you if you read this xxx