Letting it out x

Hellooo!

I try to keep this blog as upbeat and positive as possible lately but i think it would almost defeat its purpose if i pretended everything was wonderful all of the time. So with that in mind this is an honest post more than anything.

Since my last hospital admission some people have said i am an 'inspiration' which is lovely but im really not. Im human and am just another woman fighting for recovery. I make mistakes. I slip up. I have bad days. We all do,dont we? I think its how we deal with them that matters.

Ive been trying to ignore this the past month or so but im really struggling to accept my new healthier body. Even at my smallest I never felt thin,i never saw thin BUT the number on the scale made me feel safe that the FACT was i was seriously underweight no matter what the image was staring back at me. It was comforting.

I keep thinking...just go back. Just one more time. Get to a lower number. Push your body that extra bit further than before. You have to get worse before you get properly better and let go completely...

Im angry at myself for feeling this way.

I feel my friends must be embarrassed by how big i have become recently. Surely no one would want to be seen with me now. I know none of my friends would actually say that to me but I imagine that must be how they feel.

I'll stop there.

Love Aoifs xxx



Staying stable x

Hey guys!

So im home from my holiday with pops! And it was FAB! Not alot of 26 year olds would probably go away with their dad but we got on so well and had a really good time. He really spoilt me and we just generally enjoyed the two weeks. It was nice that for the first time in a long time he said he wasnt worried about me and knew i was trying hard to continue recovering.

I had icecream every single day. And i didnt feel guilty. I enjoyed it. Obviously it wouldnt be very healthy to keep up that habit but as it was a holiday i allowed myself to indulge a little more than usual.

Im back at the hospital on friday after my month of freedom and my weight is the exact same as it was 4 weeks ago! I had every oppurtunity to lose weight as i wasnt being monitered but i didnt,i ate enough to maintain and coped. Success.

My short term lease is up on my apartment and ive decided to move back home. For one,its simply too expensive. I have four weddings this year and hen weekends and a trip to New York to fund and if i want to actually have a life i definitely cant stay in the apartment. Also i have found it quite lonely and have too much time to think on my own which is never good. I really do miss Daddy Ryan! Im glad i at least gave living alone a try as otherwise i would still be wondering what it would be like. Finally although i have coped well with eating in the apartment,it is much more stable and easier to manage when im at home and that was a major deciding factor.

Im having sleepless nights trying to decide what to do with life come september. I orginally thought about Montessori teaching but have since thrown that idea out the window. Im struggling between doing a counselling course or going into fashion styling&personal shopping. I think i have been too focused on what other people will think about my choices and i have to remember this is my life and to go with my heart...afterall everybody will have a different opinion and you cant please everyone all the time.

Gosh i could write alot more but i wont put u through that ;o) Well done if u got this far! I will write again soon.

Love Aoifs xxx