Letting it out x

Hellooo!

I try to keep this blog as upbeat and positive as possible lately but i think it would almost defeat its purpose if i pretended everything was wonderful all of the time. So with that in mind this is an honest post more than anything.

Since my last hospital admission some people have said i am an 'inspiration' which is lovely but im really not. Im human and am just another woman fighting for recovery. I make mistakes. I slip up. I have bad days. We all do,dont we? I think its how we deal with them that matters.

Ive been trying to ignore this the past month or so but im really struggling to accept my new healthier body. Even at my smallest I never felt thin,i never saw thin BUT the number on the scale made me feel safe that the FACT was i was seriously underweight no matter what the image was staring back at me. It was comforting.

I keep thinking...just go back. Just one more time. Get to a lower number. Push your body that extra bit further than before. You have to get worse before you get properly better and let go completely...

Im angry at myself for feeling this way.

I feel my friends must be embarrassed by how big i have become recently. Surely no one would want to be seen with me now. I know none of my friends would actually say that to me but I imagine that must be how they feel.

I'll stop there.

Love Aoifs xxx