'Lovely Little Girl' x

Trying to decide what the hell to do with ones life is some task.

And i aint getting any younger at the grand old age of 26 (!)

Since i was at the hospital last friday i have been doing a lot of resting and eating lol. Ive also been researching,looking into different courses,different jobs etc. Since the retail fashion world wasnt for me ive been rethinking and the main things that have come up time and time again not just now but over the years is counselling and psychology or Montessori teaching.

I havent been feeling the best but i had organised a meeting in a local school to help out a few mornings a week in an attempt to pull myself out of this rut. I met with the Principal and i have to say he was the most lovely man...all was going well and then he asks 'Do you eat enough,i cant help notice you are very thin' my anorexia screamed with delight...I wanted to die of embarrassment. I actually could not believe he noticed,it doesnt make sense to me,but my anorexia shouted 'Yesss maybe i am not so fat anymore,got to keep losing.'

He then continued (very nicely) to talk about my health and how i had to focus on getting healthy. He then introduced me to one of the teachers as 'this is the lovely little girl i was telling you about' emmm i was sure i was a 26 year old WOMAN. Anyway the Principal despite all this was very nice and 'just showing his concern' and told me to ring him in January to let him know how i was.

Weirdest interview yet.

Any thoughts on my career choices? Would i be rubbish at both? I have a mountain of information on both subjects so just have to decide by the new year.

Ramble over. Thanks for reading :) xxx

26th Birthday Blues x

Ive missed writing.

I choose not to write for awhile as to be honest I was too busy embracing recovery,learning to live again and loving life...but at the moment im having a blip and need somewhere to vent so i guess thats what brings me back here.

Things were going so well,so well i could hardly believe it was my life. Anorexia never left me as such but i was able to function again and build a life and i felt...happy. Then a little while ago i was getting stressed over a few things mainly work and a personal issue and i started starving through the day and eating too much in the evening because i was just so hungry. The eating so much in the evenings scared me. Terrified me infact and i longed to gain control again. But i didnt really do anything about it until recently.

I had an amazing weekend away in Edinburgh with my friends and it was good to just be 'normal' and eat 'normal'. The day i got home i weighed myself and discovered i was the heaviest i have been in literally years. That day I gave up work and college and fell straight into relapse mode. In two weeks i was down 12 pounds and high as a kite in one way and desperately depressed in another. That initial buzz u get from losing weight,pushing me past the hunger pains. The number on the scales going lower,my jeans getting loser,the eating disorder part of me loved this. But the real me is scared.

Then on my 26th birthday I had an appointment with my psych and dietician. They wanted to admit me that day for a short term admission. I told them i would do everything i could to get back on track if i could stay at home,so i was allowed home with a meal plan and higher dosage of meds and to be reviewed on Friday.

Todays Monday....i have been eating much better. I dont feel much better. A huge part of me feels ive never taken my anorexia far enough. I havent pushed my body far enough. I havent suffered enough. I havent got my weight low enough. I havent been ill enough. And then i know only 9 months ago i was told i could drop dead at any stage and i was a heart attack waiting to happen. But even then. ITS NOT ENOUGH.

I dont know how i have anyone left in my life. Even this post is so self absorbed and pathetic. I deserve to be alone xxx