Review tomorrow x

Friday is nearly upon us which means review day at the hospital.

Scared.

I feel like ive gainned which would make 'them' happy.
Im torn in two.
I think the best thing would be if i maintained. I could deal with that.
Mood isnt much better but trying to be positive. 1st of December and all that jazz...got to make an effort.

Took a double dose of Dalmane last night and got less then 2 hours sleep. Its been like this for weeks now. Just cant switch off my silly brain. Ive tried everything i can think of and still wide awake all night and exhausted during the day. Sleep fairies seem to have forgot about me.

I wonder so often lately is recovery really truely possible?

xxx

'Lovely Little Girl' x

Trying to decide what the hell to do with ones life is some task.

And i aint getting any younger at the grand old age of 26 (!)

Since i was at the hospital last friday i have been doing a lot of resting and eating lol. Ive also been researching,looking into different courses,different jobs etc. Since the retail fashion world wasnt for me ive been rethinking and the main things that have come up time and time again not just now but over the years is counselling and psychology or Montessori teaching.

I havent been feeling the best but i had organised a meeting in a local school to help out a few mornings a week in an attempt to pull myself out of this rut. I met with the Principal and i have to say he was the most lovely man...all was going well and then he asks 'Do you eat enough,i cant help notice you are very thin' my anorexia screamed with delight...I wanted to die of embarrassment. I actually could not believe he noticed,it doesnt make sense to me,but my anorexia shouted 'Yesss maybe i am not so fat anymore,got to keep losing.'

He then continued (very nicely) to talk about my health and how i had to focus on getting healthy. He then introduced me to one of the teachers as 'this is the lovely little girl i was telling you about' emmm i was sure i was a 26 year old WOMAN. Anyway the Principal despite all this was very nice and 'just showing his concern' and told me to ring him in January to let him know how i was.

Weirdest interview yet.

Any thoughts on my career choices? Would i be rubbish at both? I have a mountain of information on both subjects so just have to decide by the new year.

Ramble over. Thanks for reading :) xxx

26th Birthday Blues x

Ive missed writing.

I choose not to write for awhile as to be honest I was too busy embracing recovery,learning to live again and loving life...but at the moment im having a blip and need somewhere to vent so i guess thats what brings me back here.

Things were going so well,so well i could hardly believe it was my life. Anorexia never left me as such but i was able to function again and build a life and i felt...happy. Then a little while ago i was getting stressed over a few things mainly work and a personal issue and i started starving through the day and eating too much in the evening because i was just so hungry. The eating so much in the evenings scared me. Terrified me infact and i longed to gain control again. But i didnt really do anything about it until recently.

I had an amazing weekend away in Edinburgh with my friends and it was good to just be 'normal' and eat 'normal'. The day i got home i weighed myself and discovered i was the heaviest i have been in literally years. That day I gave up work and college and fell straight into relapse mode. In two weeks i was down 12 pounds and high as a kite in one way and desperately depressed in another. That initial buzz u get from losing weight,pushing me past the hunger pains. The number on the scales going lower,my jeans getting loser,the eating disorder part of me loved this. But the real me is scared.

Then on my 26th birthday I had an appointment with my psych and dietician. They wanted to admit me that day for a short term admission. I told them i would do everything i could to get back on track if i could stay at home,so i was allowed home with a meal plan and higher dosage of meds and to be reviewed on Friday.

Todays Monday....i have been eating much better. I dont feel much better. A huge part of me feels ive never taken my anorexia far enough. I havent pushed my body far enough. I havent suffered enough. I havent got my weight low enough. I havent been ill enough. And then i know only 9 months ago i was told i could drop dead at any stage and i was a heart attack waiting to happen. But even then. ITS NOT ENOUGH.

I dont know how i have anyone left in my life. Even this post is so self absorbed and pathetic. I deserve to be alone xxx

A view from the other side x

Hey all.

So I just thought id come write here tonight. Its been on my mind recently that i wanted to write and share how different my life is now.

Where to start?

I am the first to admit I am far from perfect,I still have quite a bit of work to do but that will come with time. Since I got discharged in May i have maintained my weight give or take a pound. I mean its gone up a couple of times and back down but it settles around the same weight. Not a 'healthy' weight but definitely a safe weight. I can walk. I can run. I can function. I can get through 5 days a week of college 9-4. I can concentrate. I can learn. I can do. I can eat. I can drink. I can dance all night long.I can socialise. I can enjoy. I can laugh. I can SMILE. 

And its a real smile.

I honestly feel for the first time in 11 years...free.

Happier.

Healthier.

I NEVER thought i would feel these things again.

I thought i lost them a long time ago...turns out they were just in hiding. Anorexia was my whole world. Im ashamed to admit i cared about little else but my illness. It was my everything. It consumed my every waking moment. It was selfish. But i was trapped.

I was also very lucky. 

I convinced myself i was fine.

But deep down i was terrified.

Terrified my team were telling me the truth and that i would die.

Yet also terrified to take the steps to change and leave the ED behind.

There were many moments when i thought dying would be easier. Not just for me. But for anyone who was crazy enough to still care about me.

When I went IP this year I desperately wanted to do as i was told. I wanted to either die or recover. I wasnt really bothered which to be honest,i just knew i couldnt live that way much longer. I wanted to eat. But i simply couldnt allow myself. I had to give up my control and let the NG feed me again.

I put all of my trust in my team,held my hands up and finally accepted help.

I havent really looked back since that day.

Of course i still have wobbles. I am human. We all slip up now and then. The important thing is to acknowledge it and do something about it asap. Hard as that sometimes may be. Its ok to need some help and support,the brave thing to do is speak up and ask for it. It would be so much easier to crawl back into the bubble and let the ED eat away at you.

I really struggle with body image like most women however ive found since startng my fashion blog and having photos taken for my outfit of the day posts has actually really helped. When i look at the pictures im quite surprised by what i see as it does not match up to what i see when i look in the mirror or what my mind still tells me every day. I find it hard to know which is real,whats in those photos or whats in the mirror...

Im very sorry for rambling on and on but my main reason for blogging tonight is to show that recovery from any eating disorder no matter how chronic/severe,no matter how young or old you are,there is ALWAYS hope. Always.

It sounds cheesey but i feel like im finally seeing how amazing life can be for the first time and i never want to lose that. I refuse to return to that very dangerous and scary existance.

Thank you if you read this.

Love Aoifs xxx

Join the fight x

What a difference x

5stone3pounds- a smile that hides the misery.

                                                         6stone8pounds- a real smile

Its only now looking back at photos i can see how ill i was and how much healthier i am now. That first picture isnt ME it is pure anorexia and it scares me. I saw my therapist A today and cried...cried because i am scared of relapse. I can say from my heart i never want to fall into the grips of anorexia again. Sure i have days where i feel fat and huge etc but i am beginning to LIVE and guess what? Its pretty damn good.

I find it hard to accept the weight gain but i guess most girls are the same if their weight goes up from time to time,us girls are never happy are we? LOL.

Life is far too short to let an ed rule your life. Please anyone who is reading this and needs help,go for it. It is so worth the fight. During recovery its not just weight u gain,its your health,friends,partners,jobs,college, pretty much your whole life.And it is so much more exciting than counting calories ;o)

'Ive had a taste of paradise,thats all i really need to make me stay...i wont look back.'

xxx

HOTTT new docter&a shopping trip!

Omfg docter whats his name ( i was too busy eyeing him up to remember) who was filling in for my usual Dr M was absolutely YUMILICIOUS! I found it quite hard to control my girlie giggles and outrageous flirting (shameful i know) to even answer his questions and then damn it i saw IT. THE WEDDING RING :o(

And that was the end of that love affair.

Saw my dietician Y,have dropped a couple of klios but determined to regain asap. Y was very helpful in reminding me what an awful dangerous place i was in at the start of the year and do i really really want to go back to that?

No.

I was near Dundrum shopping centre,it would have been rude not to pop in. I seemed to have gone a little over budget but almost everything i got was on sale so its ok REALLY....

I picked up these beauties in the AWEAR sale reduced down to 25euro...i am in love with them-

I popped into the Laundry Room and got a little white dress perfect for summer and reduced to just 15euro. While i was there i spotted this cute little black and white jumper also in the sale reduced to 20euro.

I got this cute little top in Penneys for 13euro and thought it would go great with some black jeans and my electric blue flats i posted previously.

And finally i had a pair of jeans i wanted to exchange in Bershka so i swapped them for a pair of hot pink skinnies!!!

Ok NO MORE SHOPPING until wednesday...promise....kind of.

xxx

Struggling x

Today is bad.

Havent felt this down in quite a while.

Giving in to the ed seems the only solution.

I was supposed to join my friends for dinner and drinks this evening and i had to let them down and cancel,i just couldnt cope with the food today. I feel so guilty cancelling. Im a b*tch. A bloody FAT b*tch!!!

I cant deal with being this weight...i cant....i just cant.

Im sorry xxx

Success x

Today i hit my next target of a BMI of 16.

This has left me torn in two.

I feel a sense of acomplishment,i feel like ive achieved something,and ive done it OUTSIDE of hospital and without a tube up my nose!!!

On the other hand,my heart sank a little bit. Its so hard to let go. Move on. Throw out those bloody skinny jeans.

I FEEL huge.

But i refuse to let it stop me living and having fun. After all do my friends and family really care that if ive gainned weight,will they stop talking to me just cause ive got some junk in my trunk? ;o) I really hope not lol.

Here are my outfits from the past couple of days-

Thats all for now lovelies xxx

Ups & downs of Recovery x

So yesterday i got myself in a right state over the jeans situation. But after talking it through and calming down,i woke up this morning and reminded myself its a new day and i can choose to be healthy in my decisions and so i had breakfast even though i felt like crying with each bite.

Its so weird how some days i can eat almost anything i fancy and not freak out over it and then other days i struggle to eat a fat free yogurt.

I went on a date today,my first proper date in a longgg time and omg it was so brilliant. I had such a lovely time and D is absolutely lovely (and a GREAT kisser) lol so were going on another date next week which im looking forward to already.

This was another step in recovering in my opinion,letting new people into my life,as before the anorexia was so strong there was no room for anyone or anything else in my life. Finally things seem to be coming together,starting college,dating,moving out in a few months...i guess im trying to build a life outside of anorexia.

I never thought i could feel happy....normal....but im finally feeling those things and it sounds so simple but for me its amazing.

Life is damn good. Even if i have a fat ass now LOL ;o)

FAT x

Ugh.

I feel disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. And destructive. I need to do something to make me feel better but anything i can think of doing is not a healthy way of coping.

Dinner is sitting in my already bloated tum and i want it out. I want to be empty.

:-(

Sorry my self absorbed moaning,normal business shall resume tomorrow x

Appointment&Girls day out x

I had an appointment with A today. It went pretty well i think...we talked about relapse prevention and what i can do to make sure it doesnt happen-

-Know my triggers
-Tell one of my team
-Write/blog
-Be as honest as possible
-Remember how hard it was to get this far

We also talked about starting college and how i would manage food wise! Theres a canteen where most people seem to go. The idea of this is a little scary seen as i dont know the people and i dont know the menu. I could of course bring in a packed lunch but i dont want to stand out,i want to be as normal as possible and not draw attention to myself. Hopefully ill be making new friends (have alrready got quite friendly with a guy D....yes we are going on a day date on saturday eeeeeeeeeeek so nervous already!) and i want to be able to join them in the canteen for lunch rather than retreating to a classroom on my own to eat lunch! Im not really sure what the best thing i could do is....anyone been in a similar situation or have any suggestions,would be hugely appriciated!

After my appointment i had a fab girlie day out in town with one of my favouritest people N. We had a lovely long lunch in Avoca (Their brown bread is to die for) followed by some shopping! I got a fab dress in H&M for 30euro-

The grey belt was only 2euro from penneys! I also got some cute grey little shoe booties at 15euro from penneys-

I REALLY have to curb my shopping addiction....ive decided no more shopping until wednesday. I have just enough in my purse left to live on for the weekend lol! Oh to win the lotto......

xxx

Courage x

Updates x

Hey guys!

Just back from another week in the sun....yes i am jammy!!!! It was a lovely relaxing week which saw me shop every morning,sunbathe every afternoon and go out for dinner each evening (something i actually ENJOY doing these days!).

Back to rainny Dublin now and back to reality! About a month ago i got offered a place at college to do a fast track to employment course which i am delighted about however i still havent started it yet which is rather frustrating me,im not the most patient of people! The thing that seems to be holding everything up is the medical. College obviously werent completely happy with it as they now want me to be assessed be THEIR psych which is happening tomorrow morning. Hopefully i can prove myself sane enough for them to take me on LOL ;-) and then i can finally start after the summer break (end of august).

Im seeing A (my therapist&social worker) on thursday which im looking forward to,she can be really helpful with practical stuff along with everything else and is invaluable!!!

Im not back to see my psych (Dr.M)or dietician(Y) until next week which means weigh in time! Im sure with all those dinners out and the glorious strawberry cheesecake ice cream i indulged in my weight should still be going up...i just hope its not jumped up a scary amount. I can deal with a couple of pounds but anything more and i know it will freak me out!

Now onto the good stuff! SHOPPING!!! I got this fab yellow dress in Topshop reduced from 75euro to 15euro! I had been looking at it when it first hit the shops but couldnt justify buying it at the price it was and then today there it was one left in the sale....PERFECT.

I also popped into pennys and got a couple of light knitted jumpers (Yes i know its summer but this IS ireland!).

I picked up these cute flats in the River Island sale,they were reduced to 14euro!

Thats all for now lovelies,im all shopped out....until tomorrow.... :o) xxx

Insomnia x

Cannot get a wink of sleep these nights and it is driving me absolutely nuts. I end up going for a power nap during the day at some stage which helps a little but with college starting soon i really cant continue like this! I cant understand why i cant get any shut eye,the only 'bad' thing on my mind is the uncomfortable feeling i have with my body after gaining 20lbs. It sounds shallow and i know there are SO many more important things than weight but anorexia is like any other addiction,bloody hard to kick especially after so many years. My mind is trained into an eating disordered way of thinking and gaining so much weight goes against every thing my my head is telling me.

Im getting quite worked up about starting college,i am so scared im going to mess it up like all the other times,i HAVE to make this work. Have to.

Ive been seeing ALOT more of my friends recently which has been really great,i didnt realize just how much fun i was missing out on,ive quite a bit of catching up to do so there is no stopping me now!

Im seeing my psych and dietician on friday and i actually cannot wait for some much needed reassurance. My weight is still going up slowly. My heart knows this is a good thing,my head is screaming i need to lose.

For now....im listening to my heart xxx

Dont be fooled x

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them is the real me. 

So don't be fooled; I'm good at pretending. I give the impression that I'm cool and confidant, but inside it's different. I'm not in command, I'm often confused, lonely and I desperately need someone to understand me. 

But I hide and don't want anyone to know. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind. I'm afraid to show you the real me. I chatter idly to you about everything, but tell you nothing of what's going on inside me: my fears, my worries, my doubts. 

So, when I'm talking please listen carefully, and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to say but I can't. 

I dislike the superficial game that I'm playing. I'd like to be genuine, honest and sincere but I cannot without your help. 

My trust grows very slowly, so you will have to be very patient with me. Each time you try to understand I am given new hope, and I start to believe in myself in a new way. You let me see that it's OK to be me. 

So I can take off the mask and be happy in your company. I can let you see the real me. Who am I? - You may wonder. I am someone you know very well. For I am every person that you meet. 

Its been a while...x

Hey guys....not sure anyone reads this anymore but i will write anyway cause it helps to vent and boy do i need to vent today!!!

So ive been home about 5 weeks now i think and everything has been going surprisingly well. I have felt...dare i say it...HAPPY. I have been maintaining a bmi of 15. I have been eating every day. I havent purged. I havent taken laxatives. I havent over exercised. I havent restricted. I have smiled. I have laughed. I have had fun. I have lived...

Today however i have not felt myself.

I had another appointment at the breast care clinic today to talk about getting the breast cancer gene test done. The consultant said i was high risk but that they would keep a close eye on me. Hes sending me for an MRI just precaution and referring me to the genetics department. If the test proves positive it means i am 85% certain to develop breast cancer. Its a little bit scary thinking about it all.

Recently my mum has been on my mind. And even in my dreams. I dont know why this is. But shes there. They are quite distressing dreams rather than happy ones....i think i will go back on the dalmane and maybe that will help somehow.

Today i have felt strong urges to restrict. I didnt. But i really wanted to. I didnt give in. I ate. But it didnt feel good. It felt wrong.

Im finding it hard to accept the changes in my body if im really honest. My bones are disappearing under layers of fat. It doesnt hurt as much when i sit/lie down. My face is full. My tummy round. My clothes tight.

Despite this,i have no intention of going back to anorexia. I could not put my body through that again. I could not put my dad through it again. I could not put my some very amazing supportive friends through it again.

Today was just hard.

I will keep fighting.

xxx

Discharged :-) x

Home sweet home.

Veryyyyyy Happy Aoifs :-)

Its been a tough 12 weeks and its now the real work begins! I have gone from 5 stone to 6 stone and am on a mission to get to 7 stone in time. I know deep down this is a good healthy thing but anorexia still consumes much of my thoughts and wants me to lose instead of continuing to gain. It really is so nice to be home but with it comes a lot of ups and downs and responsibility. Im so scared of messing things up again but i wont dwell on that,im trying to just concentrate on slowly moving forward and so far so good.

Off to Lanzarote on sunday :-) If it rains,i may cry! LOL! I want the sunshine!!!

Im going to start taking photos again,probably mostly of clothes/outfits etc to post here. I want this to be a place where i can vent about recovery but also fashion,i dont expect many people to follow it or anything,i think its just nice to have and it will give me something to do. Which reminds me. I have been clearing out my wardrobes and i have 8 black bags of clothes,shoes and bags that i dont want anymore. Most in excellant condition. Usually i would give it all to charity but im trying to make some cash so if anyone has any ideas where i could sell them (apart from ebay) please let me know.

Getting my hair done tomorrow,back to blonde i go!!! xxx

A sunny spell x

Hi guys!

What is with all the sunshine? Im LOVING it! Time to bring the maxi dresses back to life :o)

So since i got off bedrest life has got so much brighter! I had a long weekend at home which mostly went very well,then i had a mid week overnight and im getting weekend leave again tomorrow lol basically im at home more than im here now which is bloody fanfuckingtastic :o)

I wont pretend its easy and everything is wonderful cause its still such hard work but im getting there and im having fun as i do it! Im struggling big time with the weight gain and panic when i think how much more i have to gain but at least i can do it at my own pace (within reason) and it will be gradual and easier to deal with...thats what im hoping anyway!!!

I know im not at a healthy weight but i am at a safe weight and my docter is happy with that and so am i. I have every intention of full recovery but im not going to rush it even if some people think i should. We are all different and different things work for different people. I know alot of people still think 'heard it all before aoifs' and i dont blame them but i cant please everyone and make them believe me,i guess with time i will prove it to them.

Anyway i have been hitting the shops BIG STYLE since ive been out and having a ball! Have to say Penneys and Dunnes are on the money right now got some lovely stuff in there and they are great to mix with more highstreet stores. I have most definitely been feeding my addiction on summer bits and bobs as on the 15th of may im going to Lanzarote for two weeks with my friend S! Excited much? Eh YES!

One of my friends from here is pretty ill right now,she is trying so hard but i can see the pain on her face and i just want to make her better,i want her to feel how i feel now. I want her to be able smile again. And i just dont know if theres anything i can do only make sure she knows im here if and when she needs someone who understands. I can see anorexia destroying her just as it did me and i just hope to god she can get through this....maybe this is how some of my friends have felt when im unwell? I dont really believe that though cause i dont think that many of them care anymore as i have been sick so long and not been a good friend to them so really dont deserve them. Its really only friends with eds that bother with me at this stage,im greatful i at least have someone who cares,some people have no one in their world so i am lucky really.

I WILL be a better friend xxx

The magical number 15=FREEDOM x

No more bedrest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whooohuuuuu *happydance* :-)

After over two months confined to bed i never want to see one again LOL Ive slept enough to last me a lifetime!!!

Although you know whats really quite annoying? I still feel tired...perhaps its the meds? I would have thought with my eating being so much better i would be bouncing off the walls at this stage! But no. I feel rather...i duno how you would say it...dopey? LOL i dont know,just not myself!

15 is where Dr.M wanted to me to get as it gets me out of the red zone (danger) however a healthy Bmi is 20-25 so theres still quite a way to go. Weve agreed i can stay at 15 for the moment and then slowly gain a little more and so on. Im not looking for a way out or quitting or anything of the sort,i just know from previous experience when i was forced to gain weight rather quickly,it backfired badly!

I WILL get to a healthy BMI but in time. Im just pressing the pause button at the moment in order for my head to catch up with my body.

Mentally apparently im still delousional. On bedrest obviously i was eating in my room but now im off it i am expected to eat in the dinning room with everyone else and this terrifies me. I told my nurse and she asked what was i so afraid of? My answer 'They will all think i am too fat to be eating as much as i have to. I will be so embarrassed to eat infront of them.' Silly really since they are seriously all nutters in here and i shouldnt give a crap about what they might or might not be thinking,they have their own problems! But still it IS a big worry.

Anyway i cant wait to stop talking so much about the anorexia and more about fashion.And that will come in time,probably when im out of here which will be early may fingers crossed. Then the bobster is taking me away somewhere hot and sunny for a week of pampering and when i get back i am going to a college open day to do a fas course 'fast track to employment' aswell as doing my fashion course later in the year.

I know ive said it a million times before but i DO feel like something has clicked this time...maybe because i was so ill before i came in here,it kind of gave me a scare and it was do or die.

'You set yourself free.'

The return of Aoifs x

Yep i believe she is making a comeback...

LOL!

Today i got three hours out and went and got my hair done,highlights so i am on my way back to blonde. Its amazing how pampering yourself in such a way can really give u a boost! I felt great walking over there and even better walking back (The hairdressers is only across the road lol) I felt like me. Just me. Not anorexic aoifs...i want rid of her. She has done nothing but hurt me and the people i love. Shes threatened to kill me on a number of occassions now but i wont let her win.

I have gainned a significant amount of weight over the past two months but whats strange is i have been coping with it (So far anyway) i try everyday to accept it and keep on the right track. And more importantly remember why im here and why i want to recover.

There IS life beyond anorexia,i really do believe it now,youve just got to stick with it. Its ok to pause for a while and stand still once u dont go backwards. One missed meal...one box of laxatives...one episode of purging....and before u know it your right back in the grips of this bloody eating disorder.

I remember my first night here i was really phsycially not well and there were docters and nurses in and out all night before i finally was transferred to the medical ward. When i was stable enough to return my room mate told me she was convinced i was going to die that night but somebody up there was looking down on me i think...thanks mum!

Everyone is telling me i am doing great and have improved so much and that they are proud of me...what d i say to that lol...thank you? I mean i can see and feel the changes and im not just talking about the weight gain,but im able to look beyond anorexia and participate in the real world.

I know at a bmi of 14.7 ive still got a way to go to get to 19 but i will slowly take on the next stage of recovery and go in the right direction. I tend to sometimes think i am fine now because i am out of the danger zone so i feel i shouldnt have to gain anymore weight and that i can function at this weight! I am just terrified of losing control and end up on the other side of the scale.

I had another little visit from the lovely S! I swear this girl is AMAZING! She is a little fighting machine and is doing her best to recover but she has a long struggle ahead of her and im so proud that she is trying so hard. She bought me the most beautiful disney couture bracelet that says 'Have faith in your dreams' probably the most thoughtful present i have been given so THANK YOU s ;-)

U know whats funny/scary? Im sitting here in bed and im hungry. There i admitted to it. IM HUNGRY. But i have been eating about every two hours so dont know how in the world my tummy wants more LOL.

Time to sleeeeep i think...

'You save yourself or u remain unsaved.'

xxx

Thoughts x

Cant believe how beautiful the weather has been lately. This is Ireland isnt it??? We dont see the sun that often so to be stuck in here made me SLIGHTLY mad. I think i must have stressed this point to Dr M on friday and she agreed to an hour a day off bedrest. HAPPINESS. I even got dressed today just to go sit in the garden which felt great.

Ok my life sounds way too exciting right now doesnt it? ;-)

Im getting through the days ok here i just keep thinking it wont be for much longer and i have to stick it out this time. I said i would never discharge mself againest medical advice again and i wont. But Dr M has agreed i can maintain my weight when its between bmi of 15 and 16 and she will discharge me then so i can slowly gain the rest of the weight as an outpatient. She says even if it only goes up half a pound a week its still progress in the right direction.

The mistake ive made in the past is gainning the weight back too fast and then freaking out and running backwards but this time ive gained it slowly and steadily and am accepting the numbers on the scales simply must increase if i want a good quality of life.

Ive been thinking alot about recovery and relapse. I know alot of friends with exciting disorders over the past 10 years and i find it difficult to pick many who has recovered and STAYED recovered. Makes me think i am silly for believing this is my last hospital admission? I have great hope it will be. Bedrest and feeding tubes are not the life i desire anymore.

I want my dad to walk me down the ailse when im getting married to my handsome millionaire boyfriend (i made him up in my head until the real one comes along lol) and more than anything to see me healthy and happy again. I'll never forgive myself for what i put him through...all the stress and worry i cant imagine what it must be like to watch ur daughter slowly starve herself until shes a heart attack waiting to happen.

Another thing ive been thinking about is how every time i relapse my weight goes lower than the last time. I feel it should have been lower when i came in. But it will never be enough. I will never be skinny enough. I will still be too fat. The thing is there is always going to be an anorexic thinner than you and one heavier than you. Its dangerous comparing yourself to other anorexics but the competitive streak always lurks around the corner.

Ok i have been writing way to much and its supper time so i best be off xxx

Acceptance x

Being in here and stuck to the bed like glue gives u alot of time to think...

And i think that i am starting to let go of the anorexia finally. I think i have accepted that i NEED to eat to live,i DESERVE to eat,eating is NOT a sin,its essential to survive. Ive also accepted the weight gain and accept there is much more to come. This still does terrify me BUT i am leaving this to one side and just concentrating on doing what i need to do to learn to live again.

So what if my face is a little fuller,if my pot belly sticks out a bit,if i look a bit chubby....who the f cares except for me? Surely my family and friends arent going to abandon me if i gain a couple of stone,at least i hope they wont lol!

Im sick of being ill. Being a patient. Being fragile and sensitive,hiding my self in the body of a little girl. I am a 25 year old woman. I should look like one and feel like one. I have to accept that also. I cant be daddys little girl forever. I have to stand on my own two feet and be responsible and choose recovery. Choose LIFE.

Dad said today he has noticed very little change in how i look but that there is a big change in my mood and mental state. I guess as i get better everyday your brain begins to work again (before i came in i couldnt string a sentence together unless it was about food or weight) and now i see the benifits! I have more room for my dreams :-) I want to do things again. I can pick up a book and actually read it. Follow a movie. Get involved in conversations without drifting off into my own little bubble. Im slowly coming out of that bubble and entering the real world. This is what i need/want/deserve to do...

But why am i so afraid of it all....?

Fighting and winning x

Positve head well and truely on today!

Hope it stays around.

Im off supplements now and eating and completing 3 meals and 3 snacks a day! I have to say i dont feel as bad as i expected too...i mean i feel fat obviously...but whats new there? I can see the advantages to eating now. I feel so much better physically...i think i had forgot what it felt like to be well almost...i have more energy and apparently my eyes are sparkling again lol!

My bmi is now 14.2 (!) At 15 i get off bedrest so not much longer to go :-) I am sooo excited to get dressed LOL! Yep thats pretty sad!!! ;-)

I have been keeping busy writing letters and making cards for friends and i love it! I think i have found a new hobby :-)

The fashion course starts on the 13th of april and i might be overly optimistic but im going to ask Dr M if i can start it while still being in hospital,its only one evening a week and its a great motivation for me to get my bmi up to 15 by then also.

A lovely girl whos on the ed programme here gave me a beautiful card today and i had never talked to her before but she wrote in it that she was finding it difficult to come and talk to me because me being so ill and on the ng and bedrest brought back bad memories for her. I never thought that i would have an effect like that and i hate it and feel bad for it. But it makes me more determined to keep going with recovery...i want to be a good and healthy influence on people especially my amazing little niece.

Ok its feeding time at the zoo again better go ;-) but i will leave u with a quote for today-

'Be passionate about your life. Learn to live without the fear of failing. Take a chance,u might just surprise yourself' xxx

Lower than low x

Hasnt been the best day today.

I cried in the shower this morning.

Im getting bigger and bigger and my head really cant cope with it.

I have this overwhelming urge to lose the weight i have gainned (5 pounds in 5 weeks) my head is screaming at me to stop eating.

I know getting better is in my hands ultimately.

But i dont FEEL in control.

The guilt grows more intense with every meal.

I dont know how to cope with it.

I dont know how i will ever get better.

Ive never been able to really truely recover in the 11years and i honestly dont know how i am going to do it.

I want out...

Giving up...for today x

I cant f*cking do this!!!

I gainned two pounds this week,it looks more like two bloody stone.

Part of me was quite pleased, afterall this is what im here for,to recover and be healthy in both body and mind but jesus i just feel like utter crap. I ant even begin to explain it.

My tube got blocked today so they had to take it out. I refused to have it put back in so the staff are peed off with me,i dont blame them. I try to be a good patient and do what is asked of me but the weight gain coupled with the comment from one of the patients makes me want to run desperately back into full blown anoexia mode.

Yet i KNOW that is no life,I KNOW i need to gain weight if i want a good quality of life but it is a huge battle in my head today so im off to bed and hope i wake up with my positive head on...

'If it makes you happy,it cant be that bad. If it makes u happy then why the hell are u so sad.'

Friendships and anorexia x

I have made the most amazing little friend S since i came into hospital a month ago today. Shes not an inpatient at the moment but she comes to visit me,makes me smile and is so incredibly thoughtful. She is going through her very own struggle with anorexia yet always seems so positive and full of hope. Today she sent me an amazing letter that brought me to tears yet made me smile at the same time. She also had a new quote for me-

'Some birds are just too beautiful to be caged-they need to be free. Rise from the ashes hun,youre a phoneix.'

Ive always said the one good thing anorexia has given me,is some pretty amazing friends. And S is definitely one of them.

Being in treatment u have to be careful with friendships between patients as everyone is in their own stage of recovery and goes at there own pace. However i personally think once the friendship is a HEALTHY one it can be magic. To know this person will understand your most inner thoughts and not judge you. That they can feel what you feel. Its an incredible relief and lifts the lonliness of anorexia away! And for that i am extremely greatful.

I have made quite alot of friends over the years between my PC buddies,vincints,pats,bodywhys and honestly all of them are inspiring and have helped me stay alive in this fight. I really dont know how i would have coped in certain situations without them and am forever greatful for their constant unconditional support.

Obviously it is just as important to have friends outside of anorexia and for those who have not given up or walked away makes their friendships pretty special too. I just hope they are still waiting for me on the outside.


"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."
- Sent by Lysha 

Loneliness x

I remember when i was younger i used to tell everyone i was a 'lonely child' insted of 'only child' i guess i was both in some ways.

Today i feel alone in this. The future is in my hands. No one can take the anorexia away from me,its up to me to take the steps i need to change. I could have all the help in the world and still not recover if my heart isnt in it.

BUT my heart IS in it,very much so. Im fnally realising it doesnt matter how low a weight i get to,how much suffering i put my body through it will never be enough for me. I will always feel the need to go lower,get worse,take it to a new limit every time i relapse. Going round and round in circles. Thats not life. Well it has been for the past 11 years,i cant expect to be 'cured' in a matter of weeks or months but what i can do it start NOW and keep taking baby steps and eventually there will be an end to this. It might always be with me,but in the background and not contolling my everyday life....that would be quite nice.

It is only recently since L has been so ill ive realised what its like to be on the other side of anorexia. I cried for her everyday,i worried we might lose her,that id never talk to her again. Knowing how ill she was scary. And then dad said 'Now do u understand what its like for me.' He even started talking to me about my funeral and what i did and didnt want,he said he was preparing himself for my death so it wouldnt be a huge shock to him. This is all around the time i was admitted,now he sees progress,slow progress but progress none the less and i think he still has belief in me. Its imporatant to remember friends and family (at least the ones who havent dumped me lol) are hurt by anorexia just as much as i am at times.

Tomorrows monday,a fresh start to the week,im hoping to make it a productive one xxx

Progress x

Just saw Y my dietician and she agreed to reduce the ng feed down by a couple of hundred calories on the condition i stick to the meal plan. I think this is a gooooood indication of progress :-) ???

I ate so much yesterday and today my tummy is swollen and looks pregnant lol! It wouldnt feel so bad if i just had the ng or was just eating but having both is giving my head trouble!

I guess the main thing is to get the ng out and get off bedrest which is a BMI of 15. Dr. M says once i get there its up to me if i want to learn to maintain that weight for the moment or if i want to gain more. I think you can guess my answer to that!!!

I feel much better physically apart from being exhausted all the time,which seems ridiculous when ive been lying in bed for almost a month now.

Part of me is desperate to get to 15 but the other part of me is scared. It means the next stage of recovery,i know things have to change if i want to move forward but again it comes back to me being scared to move forward even if deep down i know that IS what i want...oh i dont even know if i am making sense here...

Y is off til wednesday so a bit worried about that. I need her constant reassurance about the exact amount of calories etc....i think i have in some ways become even more obsessive about them and find myself topping up sums in my head all day long.

I asked Dr M if she thought id ever recover and she said she wouldnt have me using up one of her precious beds if i didnt really need it...i still feel rather like i dont belong here or i shouldnt got my weight down even further and then maybe i would deserve the help i am getting. But then again i had a lucky escape coming in when i did because ended up on the medical ward that very night at serious risk of heart attack.

I guess we can only push our bodies so far before they start to fail. Something im just realising.

A lovely friend gave me an angel recently and that is over my bed and reminds me of getting my sparkley pink angel wings intact lol!!!!

I better go,feeding time at the zoo again...xxx

Style wars on the psych ward lol x

Ok so because of the joy of bedrest for the past 3 and a half weeks i have been stuck in my pjs and i am seriously missing my clothes and putting together outfits. I already know what im going to wear the day i get off bedrest...hahaha that is so uncool of me LOL! I got this amazing vintage daytime dress just before i came into hospital that i am dying to wear! U know when u put something on and instantly ur mood lifts and u feel good in urself? Its not often that happens when youre anorexic but when it DOES happen boy does it feel good!

Only problem is im scared it will be too small for me by the time i get to wear it...i got some growing room in it though so hopefully it will be ok and it wont end in tears!!! Fingers crossed!

Theres only two people around my age in here and then a load of OAPS so i dont have THAT much competition in the fashion stakes....still even while on bedrest i made sure to get new pjs and dressing gowns and hair accessories....sounds a bit vain but i love my fashion and it cheers me up and gives me something to do in the morning...although of course there are the bad days when i wont even wash my hair or put on a scrap of make up but hey we all have those dont we?

The fashion course i was supposed to be starting just before i got admitted have said they will keep a place for me when it starts up on its next term,please dear lord god heavens above i hope i can make it onto the next term and complete it at least then i will feel i have accomplised SOMETHING...although a friend said to me recently fightng anorexia and winning is a huge achievement all on its own....maybe she is right? Its definitely the hardest thing ive had to deal with. Its like going againest everything ive believed in for ten years,all i know and fighting againest that voice in my head is a huge task. My head says one thing,my heart says another...

'Go confidantly in the direction of your dreams. Live the life u have imagined.'

Blast from the past x

In 2006 i made a scrapbook full of anything to do with anorexia-stories,articles,pictures,poems,quotes and personal targets and writing. When i finished it i gave it to my therapist at the time because i was getting rather obsessive with it all...

Today 5 years later Dr M returned it to me and boy was that weird.

As i flicked through it,i was quite tearful,some of the things i wrote were very disturbing and sad. Some of the things i wrote in it,i still feel them today all these years on. It was almost painful reading it. I showed it to dad and he could only look at a few pages before he was too upset to go on.

It seemed to hit me hard...oh how i wish i could go back and somehow undo all the damage...but i can only look to the future now and make sure the person&disease that made that scrapbook stays in my past. 

I have control of my future now.

xxx

One more shot x

As a 14 year old teenager i didnt really know all that much about eating disorders. Little did i know i was soon to become an expert.

It started ever so slowly. Sneaking its way in.

I had recently found out my mum had terminal cancer. She was going to die. I thought maybe if i got sick i would die too. I thought maybe i couldnt live without her. I thought maybe if i starved myself i could go with her. Never thinking for a moment about my poor dad.

And so it started.

I stopped eating at school. Started skipping breakfast. Cutting back on 'bad' foods. It gave me something to focus on. Something i could control. It broke my heart my mum was dying and there was nothing in the world i could do to stop it.

My mum was depressed,drinking too much and had taken overdoses far too many times to count. I didnt understand it at the time. I do now. She was in pain and must have been terrified. It was her way of coping. Not a very good way,but still.

In february 2001 i had my first hospital admission,one of many more to come. I did as i was told. I ate and i gainned weight and i was sent home at healther weight at the beginning of April. If only that was the end to it...

On the 25th of May that year mum died leaving behind broken hearts.

I still to this day find it all rather uncomfortable to talk about.

Anorexia may not have killed me but i soon realised it served a purpose. It was my friend. It blocked out the pain. Numbed me. In september that year i purged for the first time. I would just do it from time to time when i felt the need. I liked the empty feeling. But soon enough purging became a daily occurance. That coupled with my restricting and my weight dropped again.

I started going to the Marino therapy centre each week. I went for 10 months,it didnt help all that much infact i was worse when i left there. After the leaving cert i started seeing a new GP who was lovely but didnt know what to do with me. She eventually referred me to St. Vincints hospital in 2004 where i currently am as i type this being tube fed and on bedrest weighing 33kg. Still much too heavy for my anorexic mind.

Since 2004 i have been in and out of hospital too many times to mention,stuck in a dangerous cycle going round and round in circles. I wont lie and say im 100% dedicated to recovery because i am not....i want to be but the anorexia is strong and is all consuming. With every ounce i gain my head screams at me to lose it again. But i think/hope i have enough motivation and determination to recover this time. I have an AMAZING docter and a wonderful team to help and support me and i am trying my best to make the most of it.

I finally feel i might be ready to slowly let go of anorexia and not only gain weight back but gain my life back.

I want a LIFE. I have wasted so much time but learnt alot along the way and in many ways i am already streets ahead of where i was a few years ago.

I have plans now. To get to a weight where i can feel comfortable and function at. To be as healthy as possible. To start driving again. To go out with friends more. To have a boyfriend. To move out. To get a job. And my favourite one to begin my fashion course in the Dublin Institute of Design.

I know what i have to do if i want all those things...but i am terrified....

'Those who are afraid to fall will never fly.'