And i think that i am starting to let go of the anorexia finally. I think i have accepted that i NEED to eat to live,i DESERVE to eat,eating is NOT a sin,its essential to survive. Ive also accepted the weight gain and accept there is much more to come. This still does terrify me BUT i am leaving this to one side and just concentrating on doing what i need to do to learn to live again.
So what if my face is a little fuller,if my pot belly sticks out a bit,if i look a bit chubby....who the f cares except for me? Surely my family and friends arent going to abandon me if i gain a couple of stone,at least i hope they wont lol!
Im sick of being ill. Being a patient. Being fragile and sensitive,hiding my self in the body of a little girl. I am a 25 year old woman. I should look like one and feel like one. I have to accept that also. I cant be daddys little girl forever. I have to stand on my own two feet and be responsible and choose recovery. Choose LIFE.
Dad said today he has noticed very little change in how i look but that there is a big change in my mood and mental state. I guess as i get better everyday your brain begins to work again (before i came in i couldnt string a sentence together unless it was about food or weight) and now i see the benifits! I have more room for my dreams :-) I want to do things again. I can pick up a book and actually read it. Follow a movie. Get involved in conversations without drifting off into my own little bubble. Im slowly coming out of that bubble and entering the real world. This is what i need/want/deserve to do...
But why am i so afraid of it all....?
afraid.....because change is scary. because the unknown is unknown. because somehow, the ED tricks us in to believing its a protector.
ReplyDeleteit is scary, but nothing is so worth doing as something that scared the crap out of you... how good will it feel when you have won the battle?!
ReplyDeleteeverything is new, and unknown, and thats scary because we life in our little world where we know and predict everything, but that world is so restrictive. there are a million better ways to live, and if your willing to put in the fight, there is no reason you cant do it!
lots of love your way xxxxxx