Thoughts x

Cant believe how beautiful the weather has been lately. This is Ireland isnt it??? We dont see the sun that often so to be stuck in here made me SLIGHTLY mad. I think i must have stressed this point to Dr M on friday and she agreed to an hour a day off bedrest. HAPPINESS. I even got dressed today just to go sit in the garden which felt great.

Ok my life sounds way too exciting right now doesnt it? ;-)

Im getting through the days ok here i just keep thinking it wont be for much longer and i have to stick it out this time. I said i would never discharge mself againest medical advice again and i wont. But Dr M has agreed i can maintain my weight when its between bmi of 15 and 16 and she will discharge me then so i can slowly gain the rest of the weight as an outpatient. She says even if it only goes up half a pound a week its still progress in the right direction.

The mistake ive made in the past is gainning the weight back too fast and then freaking out and running backwards but this time ive gained it slowly and steadily and am accepting the numbers on the scales simply must increase if i want a good quality of life.

Ive been thinking alot about recovery and relapse. I know alot of friends with exciting disorders over the past 10 years and i find it difficult to pick many who has recovered and STAYED recovered. Makes me think i am silly for believing this is my last hospital admission? I have great hope it will be. Bedrest and feeding tubes are not the life i desire anymore.

I want my dad to walk me down the ailse when im getting married to my handsome millionaire boyfriend (i made him up in my head until the real one comes along lol) and more than anything to see me healthy and happy again. I'll never forgive myself for what i put him through...all the stress and worry i cant imagine what it must be like to watch ur daughter slowly starve herself until shes a heart attack waiting to happen.

Another thing ive been thinking about is how every time i relapse my weight goes lower than the last time. I feel it should have been lower when i came in. But it will never be enough. I will never be skinny enough. I will still be too fat. The thing is there is always going to be an anorexic thinner than you and one heavier than you. Its dangerous comparing yourself to other anorexics but the competitive streak always lurks around the corner.

Ok i have been writing way to much and its supper time so i best be off xxx