Yep i believe she is making a comeback...
LOL!
Today i got three hours out and went and got my hair done,highlights so i am on my way back to blonde. Its amazing how pampering yourself in such a way can really give u a boost! I felt great walking over there and even better walking back (The hairdressers is only across the road lol) I felt like me. Just me. Not anorexic aoifs...i want rid of her. She has done nothing but hurt me and the people i love. Shes threatened to kill me on a number of occassions now but i wont let her win.
I have gainned a significant amount of weight over the past two months but whats strange is i have been coping with it (So far anyway) i try everyday to accept it and keep on the right track. And more importantly remember why im here and why i want to recover.
There IS life beyond anorexia,i really do believe it now,youve just got to stick with it. Its ok to pause for a while and stand still once u dont go backwards. One missed meal...one box of laxatives...one episode of purging....and before u know it your right back in the grips of this bloody eating disorder.
I remember my first night here i was really phsycially not well and there were docters and nurses in and out all night before i finally was transferred to the medical ward. When i was stable enough to return my room mate told me she was convinced i was going to die that night but somebody up there was looking down on me i think...thanks mum!
Everyone is telling me i am doing great and have improved so much and that they are proud of me...what d i say to that lol...thank you? I mean i can see and feel the changes and im not just talking about the weight gain,but im able to look beyond anorexia and participate in the real world.
I know at a bmi of 14.7 ive still got a way to go to get to 19 but i will slowly take on the next stage of recovery and go in the right direction. I tend to sometimes think i am fine now because i am out of the danger zone so i feel i shouldnt have to gain anymore weight and that i can function at this weight! I am just terrified of losing control and end up on the other side of the scale.
I had another little visit from the lovely S! I swear this girl is AMAZING! She is a little fighting machine and is doing her best to recover but she has a long struggle ahead of her and im so proud that she is trying so hard. She bought me the most beautiful disney couture bracelet that says 'Have faith in your dreams' probably the most thoughtful present i have been given so THANK YOU s ;-)
U know whats funny/scary? Im sitting here in bed and im hungry. There i admitted to it. IM HUNGRY. But i have been eating about every two hours so dont know how in the world my tummy wants more LOL.
Time to sleeeeep i think...
'You save yourself or u remain unsaved.'
xxx
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