Cannot get a wink of sleep these nights and it is driving me absolutely nuts. I end up going for a power nap during the day at some stage which helps a little but with college starting soon i really cant continue like this! I cant understand why i cant get any shut eye,the only 'bad' thing on my mind is the uncomfortable feeling i have with my body after gaining 20lbs. It sounds shallow and i know there are SO many more important things than weight but anorexia is like any other addiction,bloody hard to kick especially after so many years. My mind is trained into an eating disordered way of thinking and gaining so much weight goes against every thing my my head is telling me.
Im getting quite worked up about starting college,i am so scared im going to mess it up like all the other times,i HAVE to make this work. Have to.
Ive been seeing ALOT more of my friends recently which has been really great,i didnt realize just how much fun i was missing out on,ive quite a bit of catching up to do so there is no stopping me now!
Im seeing my psych and dietician on friday and i actually cannot wait for some much needed reassurance. My weight is still going up slowly. My heart knows this is a good thing,my head is screaming i need to lose.
For now....im listening to my heart xxx
Wednesday 29 June 2011
Sunday 26 June 2011
Dont be fooled x
Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them is the real me.
So don't be fooled; I'm good at pretending. I give the impression that I'm cool and confidant, but inside it's different. I'm not in command, I'm often confused, lonely and I desperately need someone to understand me.
But I hide and don't want anyone to know. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind. I'm afraid to show you the real me. I chatter idly to you about everything, but tell you nothing of what's going on inside me: my fears, my worries, my doubts.
So, when I'm talking please listen carefully, and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to say but I can't.
I dislike the superficial game that I'm playing. I'd like to be genuine, honest and sincere but I cannot without your help.
My trust grows very slowly, so you will have to be very patient with me. Each time you try to understand I am given new hope, and I start to believe in myself in a new way. You let me see that it's OK to be me.
So I can take off the mask and be happy in your company. I can let you see the real me. Who am I? - You may wonder. I am someone you know very well. For I am every person that you meet.
So don't be fooled; I'm good at pretending. I give the impression that I'm cool and confidant, but inside it's different. I'm not in command, I'm often confused, lonely and I desperately need someone to understand me.
But I hide and don't want anyone to know. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind. I'm afraid to show you the real me. I chatter idly to you about everything, but tell you nothing of what's going on inside me: my fears, my worries, my doubts.
So, when I'm talking please listen carefully, and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to say but I can't.
I dislike the superficial game that I'm playing. I'd like to be genuine, honest and sincere but I cannot without your help.
My trust grows very slowly, so you will have to be very patient with me. Each time you try to understand I am given new hope, and I start to believe in myself in a new way. You let me see that it's OK to be me.
So I can take off the mask and be happy in your company. I can let you see the real me. Who am I? - You may wonder. I am someone you know very well. For I am every person that you meet.
Tuesday 14 June 2011
Its been a while...x
Hey guys....not sure anyone reads this anymore but i will write anyway cause it helps to vent and boy do i need to vent today!!!
So ive been home about 5 weeks now i think and everything has been going surprisingly well. I have felt...dare i say it...HAPPY. I have been maintaining a bmi of 15. I have been eating every day. I havent purged. I havent taken laxatives. I havent over exercised. I havent restricted. I have smiled. I have laughed. I have had fun. I have lived...
Today however i have not felt myself.
I had another appointment at the breast care clinic today to talk about getting the breast cancer gene test done. The consultant said i was high risk but that they would keep a close eye on me. Hes sending me for an MRI just precaution and referring me to the genetics department. If the test proves positive it means i am 85% certain to develop breast cancer. Its a little bit scary thinking about it all.
Recently my mum has been on my mind. And even in my dreams. I dont know why this is. But shes there. They are quite distressing dreams rather than happy ones....i think i will go back on the dalmane and maybe that will help somehow.
Today i have felt strong urges to restrict. I didnt. But i really wanted to. I didnt give in. I ate. But it didnt feel good. It felt wrong.
Im finding it hard to accept the changes in my body if im really honest. My bones are disappearing under layers of fat. It doesnt hurt as much when i sit/lie down. My face is full. My tummy round. My clothes tight.
Despite this,i have no intention of going back to anorexia. I could not put my body through that again. I could not put my dad through it again. I could not put my some very amazing supportive friends through it again.
Today was just hard.
I will keep fighting.
xxx
So ive been home about 5 weeks now i think and everything has been going surprisingly well. I have felt...dare i say it...HAPPY. I have been maintaining a bmi of 15. I have been eating every day. I havent purged. I havent taken laxatives. I havent over exercised. I havent restricted. I have smiled. I have laughed. I have had fun. I have lived...
Today however i have not felt myself.
I had another appointment at the breast care clinic today to talk about getting the breast cancer gene test done. The consultant said i was high risk but that they would keep a close eye on me. Hes sending me for an MRI just precaution and referring me to the genetics department. If the test proves positive it means i am 85% certain to develop breast cancer. Its a little bit scary thinking about it all.
Recently my mum has been on my mind. And even in my dreams. I dont know why this is. But shes there. They are quite distressing dreams rather than happy ones....i think i will go back on the dalmane and maybe that will help somehow.
Today i have felt strong urges to restrict. I didnt. But i really wanted to. I didnt give in. I ate. But it didnt feel good. It felt wrong.
Im finding it hard to accept the changes in my body if im really honest. My bones are disappearing under layers of fat. It doesnt hurt as much when i sit/lie down. My face is full. My tummy round. My clothes tight.
Despite this,i have no intention of going back to anorexia. I could not put my body through that again. I could not put my dad through it again. I could not put my some very amazing supportive friends through it again.
Today was just hard.
I will keep fighting.
xxx
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