Its just one of those days.
Dad is away and i seem to fall apart on my own. Its only been 24 hours and everything seems too much. Eating is impossible. I feel like crying but im afraid i wont stop.
Im doing the best i have ever done with recovery. My weight is steadily increasing and im eating well with little or no behaviours.
I couldnt have done this living alone. I am so happy to be living back home.
Its days like today that make me realise i made the right decision.
Even though it feels like a failure in a way.
Now i LOOK normal,i feel i should ACT normal,but i dont FEEL normal...if that makes sense.
I expect everyone thinks i am fine now because i look fine when inside i am so scared.
Scared of the future. I imagine everyone feels this way at some stage,its just when i usually feel it i run back into the arms of anorexia. And i cant...wont...do that this time.
The easy thing to do would be to go back.
Im not going to take the easy route.
No matter how scared and overwhelmed i may be.
The weight gain is extremely difficult to get used to. I feel utter disgust at my body at the moment and i havent even reached my target weight yet. It seems ridiculous i could still have more to gain. Its so hard. A layer of fat now covers where my bones used to protrude. My tummy sticks out. My face is round. I can pinch the flesh around the tops of my arms.
I cant actually bare to think about it...
I have to chose what course to do at the end of September and i am at a loss.
I am really just doing a course because i think its expected of me now im well enough to study.
Dad is giving me no pressure whats so ever to go back to college,he thinks i should just catch up on life and all the fun ive missed out on over the years. But hey that doesnt pay the bills does it? ;o)
More than anything i need something to occupy my time.
Im joining the gym when i return home from London and plan to go most days so that will give me a purpose to get out of the house. And were also going to get a little dog again i think,mans best friend and all that!
So i do have plenty to look forward to.
Just got to keep swimming......xxx
