Numbers game...

Its never low enough.

I promised myself when i got to a BMI of 13 id maintain and now i just have to lose more and more until i disappear hopefully. Im refusing the feed and eating a small portion of sweetcorn a day. I have to get really low this time. None of this messing about. Ill get to 9 and then stop.

I feel like being very destructive but thats very hard when ur on 24 hour watch.

I just want to hurt myself and release some tension but they wont give me a minute alone.

Im aware my posts are extremely negative and dont expect anyone to read them i just need an outlet.

EVeryones getting on with ther lives it wouldnt matter if i wasnt here. Im so tired. Its a fight that i cannot win....

Giving in and giving up...

Im tired.

I stopped my feed after 3 hours today because i just couldnt handle it.

I dont know what to do anymore. 

I saw my dietician and she said id end up back on the medical ward soon if something didnt change but i just dont care enough.

My bmi is 13 now and i swore id stop at that but i cant i have to go lower.

I just dont know when is going to be low enough.

Im miserable in here but i cant do what i have to do to get out.

Im not using much energy so i figure i dont need much energy.

I am just sitting or lying down surely i dont need calories for that!

WHen i get to a bmi of 12 i will try and maintain there.

Until then....

I cannot do this anymore,i cannot eat.

Hospital,NG,ECT,Special-update!

Well its been awhile.

My last update i was starting day hospital. 

I completed three weeks of it afterwhich i took a serious paracetamol overdose which almost resulted in me needing a liver transplant. I was very lucky to have survived and im greatful for all the help and support i was given during this time.

I know suicide is selfish but i honestly saw no other way out of this hell and not just for me but for the people who still unbelivabley care about me.

Once i was physically better i was admitted to the physch ward for a short period of time and then went home feeling more hopeful and regretting what i did.

However that didnt last long.

Ive been back in hospital over two months now on a NG feed and 24/7 nurse. Ive also been undergoing a course of ECT.

I have to admit im more fighting againest them then working with them. Any chance i get i turn off the feed and taking food orally is an ordeal.

Anytime i eat i feel like i have to punish myself in some way so they are doing room checks four times a day as one night i wrapped a cord around my neck and turned blue they had to cut me free. When i write about this it doesnt feel like me,like i would do these crazy things but i just cant help myself.

Ive also been having problems with very low glucose levels and needing glycogen injections and glucose ivs regularly to stop me going into a coma.

Yesterday they wheeled me down to the coffee shop for a break from the ward as i was too weak to walk and the ECT left me in so much pain. I had three visitors today which was a nice distraction.

Getting tied now but will write again soon.

Thank u to anyone/everyone who still believed in me without u i would long have given up.

All my love,

Aoifs xxx

Day one-a fresh start!

Today is day one of my new meal plan.

I asked for it.

I told my team i wanted to gain weight and wanted them to give me a target weight.

Since coming out of hospital ive been just kind of floating...not really committed to change. 

But today that changes!!!

For bloody good!

I havent felt so ill in a long time and its all self inflicted!

My laxative abuse is out of control but i am going cold turkey as and from today.

I feel weridly excited!

Excited not to wake up in pain.

Excited not to feel dizzy and faint.

Excited to have energy again.

Excited i have premission to eat a certain amount,its like i have to do it,i have no choice,i signed a contract with my dietician,felt like i was signing my life away but infact its the complete opposite! Im going to gain my life back.

If after Day Hospital ends im still struggling i will go back into hospital and do the complete eating disorder programme and i told my docter if that happens that no matter what i say dont let me discharge myself until i am at a healthy happy weight.

But actually im feeling so determined i think im going to be able to do this at home.

Im not an idiot,i know there will be slip ups but everyone has them no matter what the situation and the important thing is to learn from them and move on.

I am done with being ill and miserable and missing out on all the fun things life has to offer.

I am so lucky in so many ways,its time i really realised that.

So here goes! Now im off to have dinner! Wish me luck!!!

Love Aoife x

Dear Friend...

For my dear friend Sarah.

You are one of the most special people in my life,if only you could believe in yourself as we all believe in you.

This song says everything i want to say to you.

Never give up,love you chick xxx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4MwwP5iAq4&list=RDp4MwwP5iAq4

Love Aoifs xxx

Thought for Today x

Love Aoife x

Fighting back x

Hi guys!

Well its a saturday night again and unfortuanately im still not up to doing too much so going out for a weekend boogie is out of the question. But still who needs that when youve got Britians Got Talent ;)

I made it to my appointment on Wednesday,saw the doc,the dietician got my injection and bloods done which came back a bit crap and resulted in me being wheeled down to A&E. They fixed me up and sent me home with supplements and im definitely feeling stronger.

Ive had a few spoonfuls of porridge the pasr three mornings and i think thats really helped my energy levels.

Which is good as im going to need it now im starting Day hospital on Monday.

Im so nervous!!!

Its Monday to Friday for six weeks and includes things such as self esteem and confidance buliding as well as relaxation classes. Its probably not going to be a miracle cure but it cant do any harm and will give me a purpose everyday to get out of the house which cant be at all bad.

My weight is dropping very slowly now so nothing drastic but i know if i want to be healthy and happy it should be going the other way. I just cant imagine being happy at a higher weight when im already so unhappy at this weight...

Ive been stressing over what to do once i get better...if i get better...what do i do with my life?

But i guess i should focus more on the here and now for the moment?

Love Aoifs x

London and eating and not eating and potassium and stuff...

Hmmm now where did i leave off?

I went out to dinner with my friends and not only survived it,bloody enjoyed it too.

It wasnt until the next day the guilt set in when i stepped on the scales and saw the number rise ever so slightly.

I know i know i should throw away the scale! But i simply cannot cope without knowing the number. Ive really tried to break this habit but so far i am losing.

I was reduced to the usual ed behaviours in order to lose the offending weight.

Then on Monday i flew to London.

I knew before i went i wasnt feeling top notch but has that ever stopped me before?

In fairness im usually pretty good at knowing if im going to be ok or if im going to end up in a&e and i made it home in one piece today despite the hospital calling me while i was away to tell my potassium levels were quite low. Now any sensible person would go eat a few bananas and go get their bloods checked...me? I ate the banana,then purged the banana,then took laxatives.

FFS.

I know i am a prize idiot.

I know its ME doing these things.

I am in control.

But like ive said many times i feel very out of control.

Or is it that im so very controlled its out of control...

ok now im rambling...

I have an appointment with my doc and dietician on wednesday and im really going to try and take care and try and keep all behaviours as low key as possible.

Another one of the joys of anorexia is Osteopina which i think is what is causing me so much back ache recently. Im due another bone scan soon and im curious to see what the results will be and has the osteopina actually got worse or is it just coincidance.

I have to mention i spent time with my amazing niece,brother and sis in law while i was in London and it was the hightlight of my trip.

Now time for bed...what else would a 28 year old be doing on a saturday night at 7.30pm?

;)

Love Aoife x

Not just eating...

....but eating out. With people. In a restraunt. In public.

Que panic.

Valium please.

This will be happening tomorrow night.

By choice.

I could NOT go, like i have millions of other times but that would be the easy option and im up for a challenge. And a challenge it is.

Ive looked up and examined carefully the menu online.

ALL of the mains are a no go.

But they do salads as starters...so...would it be ok to have a starter as a main course? Surely im not the only person on the planet who will have asked this?

I just want to go and there be no fuss just FUN.

I dont want it to be about the food.

Its about friends.

FABULOUS friends may i add.

I dont see them nearly enough but they never fail to make me smile.

Now...what to wear...

Wish me luck xxx

Thought for today x

Love Aoife xxx