Well its been awhile.
My last update i was starting day hospital.
I completed three weeks of it afterwhich i took a serious paracetamol overdose which almost resulted in me needing a liver transplant. I was very lucky to have survived and im greatful for all the help and support i was given during this time.
I know suicide is selfish but i honestly saw no other way out of this hell and not just for me but for the people who still unbelivabley care about me.
Once i was physically better i was admitted to the physch ward for a short period of time and then went home feeling more hopeful and regretting what i did.
However that didnt last long.
Ive been back in hospital over two months now on a NG feed and 24/7 nurse. Ive also been undergoing a course of ECT.
I have to admit im more fighting againest them then working with them. Any chance i get i turn off the feed and taking food orally is an ordeal.
Anytime i eat i feel like i have to punish myself in some way so they are doing room checks four times a day as one night i wrapped a cord around my neck and turned blue they had to cut me free. When i write about this it doesnt feel like me,like i would do these crazy things but i just cant help myself.
Ive also been having problems with very low glucose levels and needing glycogen injections and glucose ivs regularly to stop me going into a coma.
Yesterday they wheeled me down to the coffee shop for a break from the ward as i was too weak to walk and the ECT left me in so much pain. I had three visitors today which was a nice distraction.
Getting tied now but will write again soon.
Thank u to anyone/everyone who still believed in me without u i would long have given up.
All my love,
Aoifs xxx
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