Feel the fear...

...and do it anyway.

And that is what i have done today.

Three meals.

My tummy round and bulging.

A food baby.

Its not getting any easier.

They wont tell me my weight.

I imagine i have gained an awful lot.

Much more than i can deal with.

Surely i should know my weight that way i wont get too much of a shock when i do eventually get to weigh myself?

And why does it even matter so much?

Why do i care so much?

I dont judge any of my friends on their weight.

I swear i dont.

Why do i think they would do it to me?

I imagine they are repulsed by what they see and cant help but be disgusted by my size.

What are they going to think if i keep getting bigger and bigger?

What if i lose all control???

Hospital life

Three weeks in hospital today and everything is okay.

My next tribunal isnt for 3 months but Dr M says she will discharge me way before then :)

Im still on the NG but not using it as much as i have been eating a little.

That feeling of food in my tummy is one of the worst feelings there is,i long to be empty again,to feel hunger...

Im trying to stick to some sort of meal plan but i dont know how long i can keep it up for.The only thing that makes me feel better is starving and losing weight. I feel disgusting eating. I dont want to do it but its the only way out. And i know i cant stop again as soon as i get out or ill end up back in. I have to find some sort of middle ground.

I dont just want a quick fix. I need to do this properly somehow.

I have no idea how...

Round and round she goes...

Yet again i have ended up in hospital.

My 3rd admission this year...nothing to be proud of.

I am disappointed in myself.

That i let this happen again.

After my last admission i was eating well and continued to gain weight.

I reached my highest weight in years and sheer panic took over and i stopped eating.

My weight became unstable,my bloods became unstable and i became unstable.

Afraid to leave the house for what people may think of my weight gain.

So here i am back on the psych ward and back on a NG tube under section.

I feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed.

But...id rather be honest than keep hiding away.

Im having ECT treatment again and after only one session it is helping already.

Im getting tube fed 20 hours a day and expected to eat on top of that which really seems near impossible. I am managing little bits now which is some improvement but each mouthful is full of guilt.

I know i will bounce back from this as i usually do...but how long for? And is it worth it?

I just dont know anymore...

xxx