Fighting and winning x

Positve head well and truely on today!

Hope it stays around.

Im off supplements now and eating and completing 3 meals and 3 snacks a day! I have to say i dont feel as bad as i expected too...i mean i feel fat obviously...but whats new there? I can see the advantages to eating now. I feel so much better physically...i think i had forgot what it felt like to be well almost...i have more energy and apparently my eyes are sparkling again lol!

My bmi is now 14.2 (!) At 15 i get off bedrest so not much longer to go :-) I am sooo excited to get dressed LOL! Yep thats pretty sad!!! ;-)

I have been keeping busy writing letters and making cards for friends and i love it! I think i have found a new hobby :-)

The fashion course starts on the 13th of april and i might be overly optimistic but im going to ask Dr M if i can start it while still being in hospital,its only one evening a week and its a great motivation for me to get my bmi up to 15 by then also.

A lovely girl whos on the ed programme here gave me a beautiful card today and i had never talked to her before but she wrote in it that she was finding it difficult to come and talk to me because me being so ill and on the ng and bedrest brought back bad memories for her. I never thought that i would have an effect like that and i hate it and feel bad for it. But it makes me more determined to keep going with recovery...i want to be a good and healthy influence on people especially my amazing little niece.

Ok its feeding time at the zoo again better go ;-) but i will leave u with a quote for today-

'Be passionate about your life. Learn to live without the fear of failing. Take a chance,u might just surprise yourself' xxx

Lower than low x

Hasnt been the best day today.

I cried in the shower this morning.

Im getting bigger and bigger and my head really cant cope with it.

I have this overwhelming urge to lose the weight i have gainned (5 pounds in 5 weeks) my head is screaming at me to stop eating.

I know getting better is in my hands ultimately.

But i dont FEEL in control.

The guilt grows more intense with every meal.

I dont know how to cope with it.

I dont know how i will ever get better.

Ive never been able to really truely recover in the 11years and i honestly dont know how i am going to do it.

I want out...

Giving up...for today x

I cant f*cking do this!!!

I gainned two pounds this week,it looks more like two bloody stone.

Part of me was quite pleased, afterall this is what im here for,to recover and be healthy in both body and mind but jesus i just feel like utter crap. I ant even begin to explain it.

My tube got blocked today so they had to take it out. I refused to have it put back in so the staff are peed off with me,i dont blame them. I try to be a good patient and do what is asked of me but the weight gain coupled with the comment from one of the patients makes me want to run desperately back into full blown anoexia mode.

Yet i KNOW that is no life,I KNOW i need to gain weight if i want a good quality of life but it is a huge battle in my head today so im off to bed and hope i wake up with my positive head on...

'If it makes you happy,it cant be that bad. If it makes u happy then why the hell are u so sad.'

Friendships and anorexia x

I have made the most amazing little friend S since i came into hospital a month ago today. Shes not an inpatient at the moment but she comes to visit me,makes me smile and is so incredibly thoughtful. She is going through her very own struggle with anorexia yet always seems so positive and full of hope. Today she sent me an amazing letter that brought me to tears yet made me smile at the same time. She also had a new quote for me-

'Some birds are just too beautiful to be caged-they need to be free. Rise from the ashes hun,youre a phoneix.'

Ive always said the one good thing anorexia has given me,is some pretty amazing friends. And S is definitely one of them.

Being in treatment u have to be careful with friendships between patients as everyone is in their own stage of recovery and goes at there own pace. However i personally think once the friendship is a HEALTHY one it can be magic. To know this person will understand your most inner thoughts and not judge you. That they can feel what you feel. Its an incredible relief and lifts the lonliness of anorexia away! And for that i am extremely greatful.

I have made quite alot of friends over the years between my PC buddies,vincints,pats,bodywhys and honestly all of them are inspiring and have helped me stay alive in this fight. I really dont know how i would have coped in certain situations without them and am forever greatful for their constant unconditional support.

Obviously it is just as important to have friends outside of anorexia and for those who have not given up or walked away makes their friendships pretty special too. I just hope they are still waiting for me on the outside.


"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."
- Sent by Lysha 

Loneliness x

I remember when i was younger i used to tell everyone i was a 'lonely child' insted of 'only child' i guess i was both in some ways.

Today i feel alone in this. The future is in my hands. No one can take the anorexia away from me,its up to me to take the steps i need to change. I could have all the help in the world and still not recover if my heart isnt in it.

BUT my heart IS in it,very much so. Im fnally realising it doesnt matter how low a weight i get to,how much suffering i put my body through it will never be enough for me. I will always feel the need to go lower,get worse,take it to a new limit every time i relapse. Going round and round in circles. Thats not life. Well it has been for the past 11 years,i cant expect to be 'cured' in a matter of weeks or months but what i can do it start NOW and keep taking baby steps and eventually there will be an end to this. It might always be with me,but in the background and not contolling my everyday life....that would be quite nice.

It is only recently since L has been so ill ive realised what its like to be on the other side of anorexia. I cried for her everyday,i worried we might lose her,that id never talk to her again. Knowing how ill she was scary. And then dad said 'Now do u understand what its like for me.' He even started talking to me about my funeral and what i did and didnt want,he said he was preparing himself for my death so it wouldnt be a huge shock to him. This is all around the time i was admitted,now he sees progress,slow progress but progress none the less and i think he still has belief in me. Its imporatant to remember friends and family (at least the ones who havent dumped me lol) are hurt by anorexia just as much as i am at times.

Tomorrows monday,a fresh start to the week,im hoping to make it a productive one xxx

Progress x

Just saw Y my dietician and she agreed to reduce the ng feed down by a couple of hundred calories on the condition i stick to the meal plan. I think this is a gooooood indication of progress :-) ???

I ate so much yesterday and today my tummy is swollen and looks pregnant lol! It wouldnt feel so bad if i just had the ng or was just eating but having both is giving my head trouble!

I guess the main thing is to get the ng out and get off bedrest which is a BMI of 15. Dr. M says once i get there its up to me if i want to learn to maintain that weight for the moment or if i want to gain more. I think you can guess my answer to that!!!

I feel much better physically apart from being exhausted all the time,which seems ridiculous when ive been lying in bed for almost a month now.

Part of me is desperate to get to 15 but the other part of me is scared. It means the next stage of recovery,i know things have to change if i want to move forward but again it comes back to me being scared to move forward even if deep down i know that IS what i want...oh i dont even know if i am making sense here...

Y is off til wednesday so a bit worried about that. I need her constant reassurance about the exact amount of calories etc....i think i have in some ways become even more obsessive about them and find myself topping up sums in my head all day long.

I asked Dr M if she thought id ever recover and she said she wouldnt have me using up one of her precious beds if i didnt really need it...i still feel rather like i dont belong here or i shouldnt got my weight down even further and then maybe i would deserve the help i am getting. But then again i had a lucky escape coming in when i did because ended up on the medical ward that very night at serious risk of heart attack.

I guess we can only push our bodies so far before they start to fail. Something im just realising.

A lovely friend gave me an angel recently and that is over my bed and reminds me of getting my sparkley pink angel wings intact lol!!!!

I better go,feeding time at the zoo again...xxx

Style wars on the psych ward lol x

Ok so because of the joy of bedrest for the past 3 and a half weeks i have been stuck in my pjs and i am seriously missing my clothes and putting together outfits. I already know what im going to wear the day i get off bedrest...hahaha that is so uncool of me LOL! I got this amazing vintage daytime dress just before i came into hospital that i am dying to wear! U know when u put something on and instantly ur mood lifts and u feel good in urself? Its not often that happens when youre anorexic but when it DOES happen boy does it feel good!

Only problem is im scared it will be too small for me by the time i get to wear it...i got some growing room in it though so hopefully it will be ok and it wont end in tears!!! Fingers crossed!

Theres only two people around my age in here and then a load of OAPS so i dont have THAT much competition in the fashion stakes....still even while on bedrest i made sure to get new pjs and dressing gowns and hair accessories....sounds a bit vain but i love my fashion and it cheers me up and gives me something to do in the morning...although of course there are the bad days when i wont even wash my hair or put on a scrap of make up but hey we all have those dont we?

The fashion course i was supposed to be starting just before i got admitted have said they will keep a place for me when it starts up on its next term,please dear lord god heavens above i hope i can make it onto the next term and complete it at least then i will feel i have accomplised SOMETHING...although a friend said to me recently fightng anorexia and winning is a huge achievement all on its own....maybe she is right? Its definitely the hardest thing ive had to deal with. Its like going againest everything ive believed in for ten years,all i know and fighting againest that voice in my head is a huge task. My head says one thing,my heart says another...

'Go confidantly in the direction of your dreams. Live the life u have imagined.'

Blast from the past x

In 2006 i made a scrapbook full of anything to do with anorexia-stories,articles,pictures,poems,quotes and personal targets and writing. When i finished it i gave it to my therapist at the time because i was getting rather obsessive with it all...

Today 5 years later Dr M returned it to me and boy was that weird.

As i flicked through it,i was quite tearful,some of the things i wrote were very disturbing and sad. Some of the things i wrote in it,i still feel them today all these years on. It was almost painful reading it. I showed it to dad and he could only look at a few pages before he was too upset to go on.

It seemed to hit me hard...oh how i wish i could go back and somehow undo all the damage...but i can only look to the future now and make sure the person&disease that made that scrapbook stays in my past. 

I have control of my future now.

xxx

One more shot x

As a 14 year old teenager i didnt really know all that much about eating disorders. Little did i know i was soon to become an expert.

It started ever so slowly. Sneaking its way in.

I had recently found out my mum had terminal cancer. She was going to die. I thought maybe if i got sick i would die too. I thought maybe i couldnt live without her. I thought maybe if i starved myself i could go with her. Never thinking for a moment about my poor dad.

And so it started.

I stopped eating at school. Started skipping breakfast. Cutting back on 'bad' foods. It gave me something to focus on. Something i could control. It broke my heart my mum was dying and there was nothing in the world i could do to stop it.

My mum was depressed,drinking too much and had taken overdoses far too many times to count. I didnt understand it at the time. I do now. She was in pain and must have been terrified. It was her way of coping. Not a very good way,but still.

In february 2001 i had my first hospital admission,one of many more to come. I did as i was told. I ate and i gainned weight and i was sent home at healther weight at the beginning of April. If only that was the end to it...

On the 25th of May that year mum died leaving behind broken hearts.

I still to this day find it all rather uncomfortable to talk about.

Anorexia may not have killed me but i soon realised it served a purpose. It was my friend. It blocked out the pain. Numbed me. In september that year i purged for the first time. I would just do it from time to time when i felt the need. I liked the empty feeling. But soon enough purging became a daily occurance. That coupled with my restricting and my weight dropped again.

I started going to the Marino therapy centre each week. I went for 10 months,it didnt help all that much infact i was worse when i left there. After the leaving cert i started seeing a new GP who was lovely but didnt know what to do with me. She eventually referred me to St. Vincints hospital in 2004 where i currently am as i type this being tube fed and on bedrest weighing 33kg. Still much too heavy for my anorexic mind.

Since 2004 i have been in and out of hospital too many times to mention,stuck in a dangerous cycle going round and round in circles. I wont lie and say im 100% dedicated to recovery because i am not....i want to be but the anorexia is strong and is all consuming. With every ounce i gain my head screams at me to lose it again. But i think/hope i have enough motivation and determination to recover this time. I have an AMAZING docter and a wonderful team to help and support me and i am trying my best to make the most of it.

I finally feel i might be ready to slowly let go of anorexia and not only gain weight back but gain my life back.

I want a LIFE. I have wasted so much time but learnt alot along the way and in many ways i am already streets ahead of where i was a few years ago.

I have plans now. To get to a weight where i can feel comfortable and function at. To be as healthy as possible. To start driving again. To go out with friends more. To have a boyfriend. To move out. To get a job. And my favourite one to begin my fashion course in the Dublin Institute of Design.

I know what i have to do if i want all those things...but i am terrified....

'Those who are afraid to fall will never fly.'