Cannot do this x

I cant. I actually cannot do this anymore. Wake up everyday thinking about food,try and eat whats on my meal plan,staying up til 5 in the morning thinking about how little i can eat the next day,what im going to eat,where im going to eat...finally falling asleep exhausted only to wake up and do the same thing again. I feel sickly. I ate so much today i could cry. We're in our house in the country so ive eatin more than usual and i cant cope with it. It makes me want to eat nothing tomorrow. It disgusts me that i let all that food past my lips.

I had a shower today with my eyes closed. I could  feel every extra inch of flesh i have gainned.

It has to go.

How can i live like this?

Live in this body.

How can i hurt people all over again?

I wish i could be normal.Ive tried it.Really tried.

It hurts. Its abnormal.

I have a switch (i think everyone has one) that i can flick on and talk the talk when im with people 'Oh im so much better,it feels amazing,i want to keep going with recovery,making lots of plans for the future blah blah f*cking blah'

Selfish b*tch.

Why did they even save me?

Freedom...x

Hi lovelies,

In bed on a saturday night....actually have been in bed all day. So incredibly tired and sore. Ive just been sleeping and waking up at meal times to make sure i stick to the plan,which i have!

Im tired of resting but anything i do exhausts me and this confuses me as i am eating well with no ed behaviours to compensate.

Man i am just tiiiired.

Surely now im eating well i should be full of energy?

I dont know.

I know i must be still getting bigger,i can see the bones disappearing and the extra layers of fat covering them up.

I cant tell you how horrific this makes me feel.

Sometimes(and i KNOW this is awful)i think dying would be easier for everyone involved.

I would be free. My dad and family and friends might hurt but i honestly sometimes believe me not being around would be better for everybody,not just me. With time they would realise the relief.

Im not going to act on these thoughts,they are just feelings.

Just the truth.

Love Aoifs xxx

Falling down and weighing up x

Hi guys,

Oh.my.god.it is freaking freezing out!

This morning i was at the hospital and it went ok,weight up by like half a pound and bloods passable. Therapy still waiting to start and dietician next week when im back to see my psych who today greeted me with- 'Cute outfit' Now coming from a woman in her 40s im not sure this is a compliment lol ;o)

Anyway....

I then went into town to meet a friend for coffee but before i made it for the door i fell flat on the pavement. Ouch. My hands saved most of me but my leg oh dear god double ouch,i think i pulled a muscle or something cause its so sore when i walk! And a nice bloody knee to go with it. Perhaps indeed i am NOT superwoman and am still getting used to being up and about.

I got coffee and a pretty dress....worth the fall....haha sorry im joking. U dont laigh,you cry.

Back to bedrest.

Lovce Aoifs xxx



The dreaded weigh in...x

Fuckty fuck fuck.

Excuse the language!

Tomorrows weigh day and i am bricking it.

Its like torture every week.

I might plead my case and remind them i was weighed on tuesday so i should really not be weighed until next week.

A girl can try.

My eating today was perfectly normal,i wish it could be like that every day. It still feels wrong.

It still feels i shouldnt be allowed to eat.

BUT

I guess this means im pretty much winning so far ;o)

Love Aoifs xxx

Im doing it x

This recovery at home business is bloody hard work.
Dont get me wrong,im doing it.
But its going against everything in my head.
The guilt is still killing me at each meal.
But im doing it.

Its not so surprising really as during my admission i had no therapy. At all.
Im on the waiting list and near the top so hopefully that will help in some way?
Maybe someone can tell me how to get rid of those feeling of pure guilt,of desperation,of pure dread...
But im doing it.

Im back at the hospital on friday morning and think it will go ok because im bloody well doing it and not just saying im doing it.

Anorexias a bitch.

Just thought id get that out there.

Love Aoifs xxx

The pink cake did the trick x

Well it worked. Im home sweet home. Its a rather odd feeling to be honest. I am back in control. I decide when or if i eat or drink and take my meds. My recovery is in my hands...and thats a little scary.

I ate as much as i could in a bid for freedom. Now im left with guilt and a few extra pounds. I even surpassed my target,which now reads 5 stone 8 pounds. I wouldnt mind ever so much if those extra 8 pounds where to disappear...but then the logical part of me knows that would be a complete waste of this admission and all the help i was lucky enough to get.

Im finding it particulary hard to come to terms with the fact that i am at such a weight as when i look in the mirror i see 15 stone not 5. I see the chubby cheeks,the bingo wings,the love handles,i see the fat consuming me and feel powerless to stop it unless i stop eating.

However despite these clear anorexic thoughts i am determnied to try maitain my weight and attend all of my OP appointments. I will be seeing my psych,dietician,therapist and art therapist once a week and i think once i am honest with them things will continue to improve.

Now.....what on earth do i have for dinner? One of my fat free yogurts? Nah dont think so lol ;o) Bad joke.

Take care lovelies,
Aoifs xxx

Sorry...

....i think i may have forgot to mention something very important-

Cake.

PINK cake.

That is all.

xxx

Comments from others x

While in recovery or at any stage of an eating disorder for that matter,recieving comments good or bad can be absolutely detrimental.

In the past while in recovery and hearing a  comment such as 'Youre looking better' or 'You look well' has always reduced me to tears and been a huge trigger for me to run back to the safety of my anorexia. When well meaning friends/relatives say such comments they do so to make us feel good,to encourage us,they dont mean what we (anorexics/bulimics etc) hear. What we hear is much different. I used to immeditaly turn these comments into something negative such as 'You've gained weight' or 'You look fatter' or something of this nature.

This is something i think alot of people with eating disorders find hard,i know i did and still do at times but ive learnt to just accept these comments as compliments as that is exactly what they are. For example if someone said to you 'Youre looking well' it doesnt translate into 'Youre looking fat' people could simply mean you are dressed well,your hair is nice,you have a healthy glow etc.

Weight may not even have entered their heads!

After coming out of my last stint in hospital in May,i must have recieved about 100 comments on how well and better i looked,infact it happened so often i had little choice but to accept these comments gratefully and in the end i grew to LIKE people complimenting me and now have a big head haha.

I think the most important thing to remember is peoples comments are mostly very well meaning and they are trying to give you a compliment....i think instead of laughing it off we should turn around and say THANK YOU.

Love Aoifs xxx

All about the cake x

Not just cake...PINK CAKE. 

Oh how i love thee...why must u be so evil yet so yummy.
I am on a  mission to gain weight so i am going to have my cake and eat it and enjoy it. And i might make it a regular thing just because....ive missed out on many a cake over the years so logically i should really catch up? ;o)

Live love eat cake.

xxx

Medication x

So tuesday has come and gone and not a pound in sight. 0.1kg up. Ffs. Here i am eating more than i have in bloody ages and THAT was my increase! I didnt know wether to laugh or cry so i did both.

I have 1.25kg to gain before i get to a BMI of 14....is this possible before next weigh in on tuesday,damn im gonna make it possible. Today i ate CAKE and it was bloody good AND it was PINK and there was little guilt. Could it get any better?

The past few days have been hard,they are changing my medication reducing one anti-depressant and increasing a new one. Now its a waiting game! I dont know about meds,i mean wether i agree with them or not but ive always taken them whenever prescribed since the age of 15. They dont take the sadness away or the desperation but can take the edge off or give u a false high (this is just m,y experience of them) Another med im on makes me quite dopey and slow and i hate that but they say i need to stay on it to be well.

Meds or no meds....that is the question?

Love Aoifs xxx

Sink or swim...x

Anorexia (or any ed for that matter) is very difficult to explain and understand. It sneaks its way in ever so slowly and before u know it youre stuck like glue. It must be absolutely impossible for outsiders to understand because hell i barely understand it half the time myself.

Why would someone choose to starve to a deathly weight? Or binge and purge until the fridge is empty? Or complusively eat and eat until they physically cannot fit in any more food?

It sounds like madness....maybe it is....but it is also a very real reality for many people.

Im sitting here in my hospital bed with layers of blankets over me freezing cold,alone andwish i could eat without guilt,without any ed behaviours. My body aches from head to toe with cramps and pain. Pain that has reduced me to tears some nights.

I know if i reach my bmi of 14 on tuesday i will be let loose. The power all back in my hands. The control. The high. The comfort of knowing no one can tell me when and what to eat.

This admission has stabilised my mood and stopped my weightloss. Im now on a new anti depressant which i hope will kick in asap and am not so weak i find it hard to walk. I think i can function at this weight. I think i can maintain it. But to be blunt i know i dont deserve to find my way out. I dont deserve their help. I dont deserve to be well.

BUT i will not waste what i have learned on this and previous admissions.

I will rise everytime i fall as they say.

Love Aoifs xxx

'Down down she goes...'

I didnt quite realize where i was going when i was 14...if only i had known that throwing my lunch away at school would lead to over a decade of heartache,pain and misery. And not just for me.

If i had known the sadness tht would hit me and stay with me.
If i has known the damage i was doing to my body and mind.
If i had known the countless hospital admissions that were to come...
If i had known one day i would need a feeding tube to keep me alive.
If i had known i was striving for something unattainable.

If i could go back to that one single day when i decided i didnt need to eat,didnt deserve to eat,was too fat to eat...that day when i realised i was in control of my body and nothing or no one could stop me,would i be in hospital aged 26 fighting an immense battle all these years later?

I dont know. But what i do know is it was the beginning stages of 'severe chronic anorexia nervosa' that haunts me to this day. I wake up and its there,i close my eyes at night and its there. It follows my every move.It consumes me.

I hate it with a passion yet am terrrified to let it go. What am i without it?

Love Aoifs xxx

Trying to be positive x

So i survived weigh day! Gainned a pound! Felt horrificly fat and then i realised its just one bloody pound,its probably not even noticable,it just FEELS awful.

This week i am actually dying for weigh day as if i meet my target of 5 and a half i am allowed home so i am gobbling up everything lol. But then i get confused,i feeel like im binging but my dietician says i havent even reached 1000 cals yet. Im at 800 now and it feels way too much even though logically i know its not enough its still alot more than i was eating before admission. A girl can live on 3 fat free yogurts a day i thought...boy was i wrong.

Leaving food and weight aside,im super paranoid everyone is sick and tired of me,i dont have many visitors apart from family and one good friend. Im scared i have lost all my friends and when i get out they wont want to know me,i mean they MUST be sick of me at this stage,im sick of me.

Anorexia is a very lonely secretive illness. Its selfish and destroys everything it touches,i hate it for what it has done to me,my family,my friends but only i have the power to beat it and i will. I dont know when or how but one day i swear ill be free.

Love Aoifs xxx

Weigh day tomorrow x

F#ck.

That is all.

Admitted x

Well i went to my appointment the day after my last post and they admitted me 'for a few days rest'...over five weeks later im stilll bloody here. Sneaky docters! I wont bore u with the details but basically i sneaked out that night and got as far as Clontarf dart station dosed up on valium when the nurses and docter on call rang they told me the police where at my house waiting for me,hearing this i jumped back on the dart and went back to hospital voluterily yet as soon as i got back they sectioned me.

I actually honestly cant remember alot of it as i hadnt eatin in quite a while and dropped 10 pounds intwo weeks and since ive been here ive lost another 8 pounds. Down went the NG feeding tube as i was physically unstable,bloods were all over the place,low potassium,low magnesium,kidneys and liver struggling and mentally exhausted.

For the first couple of weeks i ate half a fat free yogurt at meal times. Even i can understand thats not enough. But no matter what food they gave me i just could not eat it. Now i am off the NG tube im eating 3 meals a day which are almost always followed by tears. I want to have NOTHING in my tummy,i want to be EMPTY!

Right now im still on bedrest and at 5 st 2lbs which may sound a bit low but i feel it should be lower,like i didnt push my body enough,i should have lost more. When i get to 5 st 7lbs i am allowed to go home and continue my recovery as an outpatient.

Im just scared all my friends are so sick and tired of me,i know this illness hurts more than just me and im sorry for that.

My best friend is having a baby boy on the 27th of January and she has asked me to be godmother. I will HAVE to be well. And i will be.

For now i will fight no matter how scary it may seem xxx