Well i went to my appointment the day after my last post and they admitted me 'for a few days rest'...over five weeks later im stilll bloody here. Sneaky docters! I wont bore u with the details but basically i sneaked out that night and got as far as Clontarf dart station dosed up on valium when the nurses and docter on call rang they told me the police where at my house waiting for me,hearing this i jumped back on the dart and went back to hospital voluterily yet as soon as i got back they sectioned me.
I actually honestly cant remember alot of it as i hadnt eatin in quite a while and dropped 10 pounds intwo weeks and since ive been here ive lost another 8 pounds. Down went the NG feeding tube as i was physically unstable,bloods were all over the place,low potassium,low magnesium,kidneys and liver struggling and mentally exhausted.
For the first couple of weeks i ate half a fat free yogurt at meal times. Even i can understand thats not enough. But no matter what food they gave me i just could not eat it. Now i am off the NG tube im eating 3 meals a day which are almost always followed by tears. I want to have NOTHING in my tummy,i want to be EMPTY!
Right now im still on bedrest and at 5 st 2lbs which may sound a bit low but i feel it should be lower,like i didnt push my body enough,i should have lost more. When i get to 5 st 7lbs i am allowed to go home and continue my recovery as an outpatient.
Im just scared all my friends are so sick and tired of me,i know this illness hurts more than just me and im sorry for that.
My best friend is having a baby boy on the 27th of January and she has asked me to be godmother. I will HAVE to be well. And i will be.
For now i will fight no matter how scary it may seem xxx
It will never be low enough, we both know that one!
ReplyDeleteit shit, and recovery is a bitch, but how much more of your life do you want to waste on this illness? is there not a million other things that a little part of you wants to be doing?
im far from recovered, but i am still trying... in the last year, i have taken up ballet, baroque dance, gone back to uni, and started learning the harp... it doesnt always feel good, and i still hate eating/weighing so much, but on the other hand, i have other things too distract myself with... things i couldnt have when i was letting it win.
you CAN do this, there is nothing real thats stopping you (i know it feels it, but no one is forcing this, you CAN go against it and do it anyway).
make your life more than this ED.
love and hugs your way,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx