Anorexia (or any ed for that matter) is very difficult to explain and understand. It sneaks its way in ever so slowly and before u know it youre stuck like glue. It must be absolutely impossible for outsiders to understand because hell i barely understand it half the time myself.
Why would someone choose to starve to a deathly weight? Or binge and purge until the fridge is empty? Or complusively eat and eat until they physically cannot fit in any more food?
It sounds like madness....maybe it is....but it is also a very real reality for many people.
Im sitting here in my hospital bed with layers of blankets over me freezing cold,alone andwish i could eat without guilt,without any ed behaviours. My body aches from head to toe with cramps and pain. Pain that has reduced me to tears some nights.
I know if i reach my bmi of 14 on tuesday i will be let loose. The power all back in my hands. The control. The high. The comfort of knowing no one can tell me when and what to eat.
This admission has stabilised my mood and stopped my weightloss. Im now on a new anti depressant which i hope will kick in asap and am not so weak i find it hard to walk. I think i can function at this weight. I think i can maintain it. But to be blunt i know i dont deserve to find my way out. I dont deserve their help. I dont deserve to be well.
BUT i will not waste what i have learned on this and previous admissions.
I will rise everytime i fall as they say.
Love Aoifs xxx
you'd better! x
ReplyDeleteHello Aoifs, I have created a blog 'trying to contact my niece" Catherine I would love to get in contact with you.
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ReplyDeleteYou deserve to be well and you deserve to live. Keep up the fight!
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