´Dont look...just dont look...

I tell myself this as i walk briskly through the door of the supermarket. As i head straight for my diet coke i dont dare even dream of looking at anything else.
SImply because looking leads to temptation and temptation can lead to purchasing all sorts of items. Having such forbidden foods at my hands may lead to consumption which inevitably leads to this chubby exterior getting even chubbier.
I cant have that.
I wont allow it.
Anorexia wont allow it.
But oh how good the freshly backed bread smells...STOP IT!!!
GET OUT OF THE SUPERMARKET RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!
Surely one small soft doughy breadroll cant do to much harm?
DONT LISTEN!!! CARBS ARE THE DEVIL!
Safely out of the supermarket with my diet coke supply for the day,i walk as fast as i can along the beach,temptation haunting me at every corner.
ICE CREAM!
Soft and soothing.
SUGAR AND FAT.
I imagine indulging in it once again...
There would be too many reprecussions i decide.
Later i lay by the poolside in the sunshine as i watch couples and familes laugh and argue in equal measures. I long for it...
NORMALITY.
But i am still caught up in this insanity xxx

A normal life...

Sometimes you just get those little reminders when you least expect it about how far behind your peers you actually are. A conversation with friends last night has left me feeling rather out of place and left behind. (Not in ANY way my friends fault by the way!!!)

Of course i have felt this before but its been quite a while since it left me feeling low like this. While casually chatting about marriage and babies and buying houses it suddenly hit me how far away from those things i really am compared to my friends.

Nearly all of them are in long term relationships,or even married,have babies or are planning them,looking for houses to settle down in,have good jobs,are driving...i could go on.

And i KNOW its all my fault i dont have these things.

And i KNOW im not the only one.

But i cant help feel alone and like i will never have these things.

And that is down to me.

But i wish it was as simple as sitting down and eating three meals a day.

I wish it was as simple as gaining weight.

I have done these things but it never seems to last.

Anorexia creeps back in and before i know it my control is gone.

Im gone.

Every time it gets a little harder to find my way back.

I want to be healthy. I want to live a normal life. I want to go to college in September. I want to fall in love,get married and have babies.

I dont understand why it is so hard to simply be 'normal'...

xxx

Not so much a goodbye...

...more of a 'see you soon'.

Thats kind of how therapy ended yesterday.

We agreed i would have some time out until the 2nd of July and go from there.

I would have liked longer.

Like forever perhaps!!!

I see Dr.M on friday morning and will then find out how long i can have a break from seeing her for. I know some people think im doing the wrong thing and maybe i am but its my mistake to make. I really feel this is a move in the right direction. I feel i have been given everything the hospital can give and taken everything from it over the years...its time i go it alone and see what happens. 

I might fall apart,i might not. I just know im sick of being a sick person. Of going to that hospital twice a week. Of seeing the same people there week after week,month after month,even year after year. I AM one of THOSE people and i dont want to be anymore.

I know of course i am not 'recovered' but i am a million times closer and thats good enough for me for the moment.

I am living life,I am out on my own,im going away,im meeting friends,im going to college,im not sitting at home in bed not eating all day and that to me is something truely amazing.

I dont by any means think everyone should take a break from treatment,but i do think theres a time and place and this is my time.

I hope people who are reading this understand my decision and thank you for all of you who support me,it gives me another reason to keep going.

Take care lovelies xxx

Therapy xxx

I have my usual therapy appointment with T tomorrow and its going to be the last one for awhile.

I think sometimes a break from treatment is greatly needed...this is one of those times.

I know she thinks the going is getting tough and now i want to run but well yeah shes right.

I dont want to de dragged back to years ago and through it bit by bit,tear by tear. Sure the brave thing to do would be stay and fight.

But i feel i will crumble talking about these things.

Im simply not ready...maybe i never will be.

I get on so well with T,ive worked on and off for seven years so it will be hard to say goodbye tomorrow.

Maybe in a few months i will feel differently but for now,im running.

FAST.

Im also spacing out my psych appiontments from every week to once every 2/3 months.

Who knows if this break in treatment will be the making or the breaking of me but its time to give it a good go at least.

Do you think im mad? Is this the right decision?

Any advice welcome :)

Thanks for reading xxx

Update x

Hey guys,

Long time no see!

Im just getting back into the blogging world again and thought i would update!

In my last post i wrote about stopping my medication...BIG MISTAKE.

On the 30th of December i took an overdose of over 200 tablets.

After 9 days on a medical ward in one hospital i was stable enough to be transferred to a psych ward in another under section where i stayed for four months.

I dont remember much of the first 6 weeks except that i had an intense desire to die and was on 24hour watch.

I expect this period of time was much harder for family and friends than it actually was for me as i was in my own little world. I cant imagine the pain and worry i caused my dad. He is everything to me but when i took that overdose i honestly thought he was better off free of me.

I realise now this is ridiculous and couldnt be further from the truth. He would rather have me here and with anorexia than not have me here at all.

Suicide is a very difficult issue for a lot of people. Some people say it is selfish. And maybe theyre right. But please understand when you are in a place where you want to die you can think the world is better off without you in it.

Personally i felt i caused nothing but heartache to those around me. I had one relapse after another and couldnt cope with the thoughts of failing again,letting everyone down and falling back into the grips of anorexia.

While i was in hospital i had eight sessions of ECT to try and lift my depression. This helped to a certain extent in that i wasnt actively trying to hurt myself at any given opportunity anymore but it did not 'cure' me.

I was once again fed through an NG tube and yes it got my weight up but anorexia still holds me tight even at a healthier weight.

So here i am today writing this trying to remind myself how lucky i am to be alive and that even if i am forever anorexic,life is precious and can be enjoyed and i have plenty of reasons to continue to fight.

Hope youre all well and thank you if you read this xxx