Numbers game...

Its never low enough.

I promised myself when i got to a BMI of 13 id maintain and now i just have to lose more and more until i disappear hopefully. Im refusing the feed and eating a small portion of sweetcorn a day. I have to get really low this time. None of this messing about. Ill get to 9 and then stop.

I feel like being very destructive but thats very hard when ur on 24 hour watch.

I just want to hurt myself and release some tension but they wont give me a minute alone.

Im aware my posts are extremely negative and dont expect anyone to read them i just need an outlet.

EVeryones getting on with ther lives it wouldnt matter if i wasnt here. Im so tired. Its a fight that i cannot win....

Giving in and giving up...

Im tired.

I stopped my feed after 3 hours today because i just couldnt handle it.

I dont know what to do anymore. 

I saw my dietician and she said id end up back on the medical ward soon if something didnt change but i just dont care enough.

My bmi is 13 now and i swore id stop at that but i cant i have to go lower.

I just dont know when is going to be low enough.

Im miserable in here but i cant do what i have to do to get out.

Im not using much energy so i figure i dont need much energy.

I am just sitting or lying down surely i dont need calories for that!

WHen i get to a bmi of 12 i will try and maintain there.

Until then....

I cannot do this anymore,i cannot eat.

Hospital,NG,ECT,Special-update!

Well its been awhile.

My last update i was starting day hospital. 

I completed three weeks of it afterwhich i took a serious paracetamol overdose which almost resulted in me needing a liver transplant. I was very lucky to have survived and im greatful for all the help and support i was given during this time.

I know suicide is selfish but i honestly saw no other way out of this hell and not just for me but for the people who still unbelivabley care about me.

Once i was physically better i was admitted to the physch ward for a short period of time and then went home feeling more hopeful and regretting what i did.

However that didnt last long.

Ive been back in hospital over two months now on a NG feed and 24/7 nurse. Ive also been undergoing a course of ECT.

I have to admit im more fighting againest them then working with them. Any chance i get i turn off the feed and taking food orally is an ordeal.

Anytime i eat i feel like i have to punish myself in some way so they are doing room checks four times a day as one night i wrapped a cord around my neck and turned blue they had to cut me free. When i write about this it doesnt feel like me,like i would do these crazy things but i just cant help myself.

Ive also been having problems with very low glucose levels and needing glycogen injections and glucose ivs regularly to stop me going into a coma.

Yesterday they wheeled me down to the coffee shop for a break from the ward as i was too weak to walk and the ECT left me in so much pain. I had three visitors today which was a nice distraction.

Getting tied now but will write again soon.

Thank u to anyone/everyone who still believed in me without u i would long have given up.

All my love,

Aoifs xxx