Hey all.
So I just thought id come write here tonight. Its been on my mind recently that i wanted to write and share how different my life is now.
Where to start?
I am the first to admit I am far from perfect,I still have quite a bit of work to do but that will come with time. Since I got discharged in May i have maintained my weight give or take a pound. I mean its gone up a couple of times and back down but it settles around the same weight. Not a 'healthy' weight but definitely a safe weight. I can walk. I can run. I can function. I can get through 5 days a week of college 9-4. I can concentrate. I can learn. I can do. I can eat. I can drink. I can dance all night long.I can socialise. I can enjoy. I can laugh. I can SMILE.
And its a real smile.
I honestly feel for the first time in 11 years...free.
Happier.
Healthier.
I NEVER thought i would feel these things again.
I thought i lost them a long time ago...turns out they were just in hiding. Anorexia was my whole world. Im ashamed to admit i cared about little else but my illness. It was my everything. It consumed my every waking moment. It was selfish. But i was trapped.
I was also very lucky.
I convinced myself i was fine.
But deep down i was terrified.
Terrified my team were telling me the truth and that i would die.
Yet also terrified to take the steps to change and leave the ED behind.
There were many moments when i thought dying would be easier. Not just for me. But for anyone who was crazy enough to still care about me.
When I went IP this year I desperately wanted to do as i was told. I wanted to either die or recover. I wasnt really bothered which to be honest,i just knew i couldnt live that way much longer. I wanted to eat. But i simply couldnt allow myself. I had to give up my control and let the NG feed me again.
I put all of my trust in my team,held my hands up and finally accepted help.
I havent really looked back since that day.
Of course i still have wobbles. I am human. We all slip up now and then. The important thing is to acknowledge it and do something about it asap. Hard as that sometimes may be. Its ok to need some help and support,the brave thing to do is speak up and ask for it. It would be so much easier to crawl back into the bubble and let the ED eat away at you.
I really struggle with body image like most women however ive found since startng my fashion blog and having photos taken for my outfit of the day posts has actually really helped. When i look at the pictures im quite surprised by what i see as it does not match up to what i see when i look in the mirror or what my mind still tells me every day. I find it hard to know which is real,whats in those photos or whats in the mirror...
Im very sorry for rambling on and on but my main reason for blogging tonight is to show that recovery from any eating disorder no matter how chronic/severe,no matter how young or old you are,there is ALWAYS hope. Always.
It sounds cheesey but i feel like im finally seeing how amazing life can be for the first time and i never want to lose that. I refuse to return to that very dangerous and scary existance.
Thank you if you read this.
Love Aoifs xxx
