Numbers game...

Its never low enough.

I promised myself when i got to a BMI of 13 id maintain and now i just have to lose more and more until i disappear hopefully. Im refusing the feed and eating a small portion of sweetcorn a day. I have to get really low this time. None of this messing about. Ill get to 9 and then stop.

I feel like being very destructive but thats very hard when ur on 24 hour watch.

I just want to hurt myself and release some tension but they wont give me a minute alone.

Im aware my posts are extremely negative and dont expect anyone to read them i just need an outlet.

EVeryones getting on with ther lives it wouldnt matter if i wasnt here. Im so tired. Its a fight that i cannot win....

Giving in and giving up...

Im tired.

I stopped my feed after 3 hours today because i just couldnt handle it.

I dont know what to do anymore. 

I saw my dietician and she said id end up back on the medical ward soon if something didnt change but i just dont care enough.

My bmi is 13 now and i swore id stop at that but i cant i have to go lower.

I just dont know when is going to be low enough.

Im miserable in here but i cant do what i have to do to get out.

Im not using much energy so i figure i dont need much energy.

I am just sitting or lying down surely i dont need calories for that!

WHen i get to a bmi of 12 i will try and maintain there.

Until then....

I cannot do this anymore,i cannot eat.

Hospital,NG,ECT,Special-update!

Well its been awhile.

My last update i was starting day hospital. 

I completed three weeks of it afterwhich i took a serious paracetamol overdose which almost resulted in me needing a liver transplant. I was very lucky to have survived and im greatful for all the help and support i was given during this time.

I know suicide is selfish but i honestly saw no other way out of this hell and not just for me but for the people who still unbelivabley care about me.

Once i was physically better i was admitted to the physch ward for a short period of time and then went home feeling more hopeful and regretting what i did.

However that didnt last long.

Ive been back in hospital over two months now on a NG feed and 24/7 nurse. Ive also been undergoing a course of ECT.

I have to admit im more fighting againest them then working with them. Any chance i get i turn off the feed and taking food orally is an ordeal.

Anytime i eat i feel like i have to punish myself in some way so they are doing room checks four times a day as one night i wrapped a cord around my neck and turned blue they had to cut me free. When i write about this it doesnt feel like me,like i would do these crazy things but i just cant help myself.

Ive also been having problems with very low glucose levels and needing glycogen injections and glucose ivs regularly to stop me going into a coma.

Yesterday they wheeled me down to the coffee shop for a break from the ward as i was too weak to walk and the ECT left me in so much pain. I had three visitors today which was a nice distraction.

Getting tied now but will write again soon.

Thank u to anyone/everyone who still believed in me without u i would long have given up.

All my love,

Aoifs xxx

Day one-a fresh start!

Today is day one of my new meal plan.

I asked for it.

I told my team i wanted to gain weight and wanted them to give me a target weight.

Since coming out of hospital ive been just kind of floating...not really committed to change. 

But today that changes!!!

For bloody good!

I havent felt so ill in a long time and its all self inflicted!

My laxative abuse is out of control but i am going cold turkey as and from today.

I feel weridly excited!

Excited not to wake up in pain.

Excited not to feel dizzy and faint.

Excited to have energy again.

Excited i have premission to eat a certain amount,its like i have to do it,i have no choice,i signed a contract with my dietician,felt like i was signing my life away but infact its the complete opposite! Im going to gain my life back.

If after Day Hospital ends im still struggling i will go back into hospital and do the complete eating disorder programme and i told my docter if that happens that no matter what i say dont let me discharge myself until i am at a healthy happy weight.

But actually im feeling so determined i think im going to be able to do this at home.

Im not an idiot,i know there will be slip ups but everyone has them no matter what the situation and the important thing is to learn from them and move on.

I am done with being ill and miserable and missing out on all the fun things life has to offer.

I am so lucky in so many ways,its time i really realised that.

So here goes! Now im off to have dinner! Wish me luck!!!

Love Aoife x

Dear Friend...

For my dear friend Sarah.

You are one of the most special people in my life,if only you could believe in yourself as we all believe in you.

This song says everything i want to say to you.

Never give up,love you chick xxx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4MwwP5iAq4&list=RDp4MwwP5iAq4

Love Aoifs xxx

Thought for Today x

Love Aoife x

Fighting back x

Hi guys!

Well its a saturday night again and unfortuanately im still not up to doing too much so going out for a weekend boogie is out of the question. But still who needs that when youve got Britians Got Talent ;)

I made it to my appointment on Wednesday,saw the doc,the dietician got my injection and bloods done which came back a bit crap and resulted in me being wheeled down to A&E. They fixed me up and sent me home with supplements and im definitely feeling stronger.

Ive had a few spoonfuls of porridge the pasr three mornings and i think thats really helped my energy levels.

Which is good as im going to need it now im starting Day hospital on Monday.

Im so nervous!!!

Its Monday to Friday for six weeks and includes things such as self esteem and confidance buliding as well as relaxation classes. Its probably not going to be a miracle cure but it cant do any harm and will give me a purpose everyday to get out of the house which cant be at all bad.

My weight is dropping very slowly now so nothing drastic but i know if i want to be healthy and happy it should be going the other way. I just cant imagine being happy at a higher weight when im already so unhappy at this weight...

Ive been stressing over what to do once i get better...if i get better...what do i do with my life?

But i guess i should focus more on the here and now for the moment?

Love Aoifs x

London and eating and not eating and potassium and stuff...

Hmmm now where did i leave off?

I went out to dinner with my friends and not only survived it,bloody enjoyed it too.

It wasnt until the next day the guilt set in when i stepped on the scales and saw the number rise ever so slightly.

I know i know i should throw away the scale! But i simply cannot cope without knowing the number. Ive really tried to break this habit but so far i am losing.

I was reduced to the usual ed behaviours in order to lose the offending weight.

Then on Monday i flew to London.

I knew before i went i wasnt feeling top notch but has that ever stopped me before?

In fairness im usually pretty good at knowing if im going to be ok or if im going to end up in a&e and i made it home in one piece today despite the hospital calling me while i was away to tell my potassium levels were quite low. Now any sensible person would go eat a few bananas and go get their bloods checked...me? I ate the banana,then purged the banana,then took laxatives.

FFS.

I know i am a prize idiot.

I know its ME doing these things.

I am in control.

But like ive said many times i feel very out of control.

Or is it that im so very controlled its out of control...

ok now im rambling...

I have an appointment with my doc and dietician on wednesday and im really going to try and take care and try and keep all behaviours as low key as possible.

Another one of the joys of anorexia is Osteopina which i think is what is causing me so much back ache recently. Im due another bone scan soon and im curious to see what the results will be and has the osteopina actually got worse or is it just coincidance.

I have to mention i spent time with my amazing niece,brother and sis in law while i was in London and it was the hightlight of my trip.

Now time for bed...what else would a 28 year old be doing on a saturday night at 7.30pm?

;)

Love Aoife x

Not just eating...

....but eating out. With people. In a restraunt. In public.

Que panic.

Valium please.

This will be happening tomorrow night.

By choice.

I could NOT go, like i have millions of other times but that would be the easy option and im up for a challenge. And a challenge it is.

Ive looked up and examined carefully the menu online.

ALL of the mains are a no go.

But they do salads as starters...so...would it be ok to have a starter as a main course? Surely im not the only person on the planet who will have asked this?

I just want to go and there be no fuss just FUN.

I dont want it to be about the food.

Its about friends.

FABULOUS friends may i add.

I dont see them nearly enough but they never fail to make me smile.

Now...what to wear...

Wish me luck xxx

Thought for today x

Love Aoife xxx

Distraction x

I dont know what i want to write but i need to write.

Ive just had a little something to eat and need distraction fast.

I saw T at the hospital today,i cried so much i felt drained after the time we spent together.

She encouraged this outburst of tears,much to my surprise and said it was a good thing to let it all out.

The thing is i dont know what exactly i was letting out.

I felt a bit better afterwards so perhaps she was right. She usually is.

I told her i wouldnt be missed if i was to die. That it would be a relief to people. I cause pain. Remove me,remove the pain.

She said she would be heartbroken if i died. That my dad would never get over it.

I say im more of a burden to people than anything else.

I honestly dont know whats true.

But hey,another day has passed. Made it!!! ;)

Love Aoife x

Thought for today...

Love Aoife xxx

Punishment...

Its been a rather yucky couple of days.

I choose to eat on monday night and keep it down and this resulted in me self harming.

The only way i can explain this to someone who might think im just crazy is i felt i needed to be punished in some other way because i ate. If i eat there is consequences.

Self harming for me only happens every now and then when im in desperate need of some sort of release.

That night i was desperate.

My dad bandaged up my arms and i saw Dr. M this afternoon and now im feeling rather stupid but much better after talking it all through.

Dr.M said she was worried more about the anorexia and the rate it was going rather than my mood but didnt know what she could do to help me except hope day hospital works some magic for the moment.

Its up to me. I know.

And thats what makes all this so hard...

Thought for the day x

               

Love Aoife x

So angry...

...at myself.

I was only angry at my friend because she spoke the truth.

Anorexia is an illness we do not choose,but we can choose to recover. The thing is i WANT to recover,i just dont want to eat. Well i DO want to eat more than anything but cant handle the way it makes me feel and the way it makes my body look.

And im scared of what recovery means.

But i guess everyone in my position would feel similarly?

Tonight im going to eat something safe and keep it down.

Thats the choice im making.

And maybe with little steps like this they could turn into bigger ones...

Sleepy but not sleepy enough...

My eyes feel tired but i cannot sleep.

Thoughts of food and weight take over my mind as i lay my head to my pillow and try and get comfortable.

I feel sad tonight.

About alot of things that i dont have the heart or energy to go into now.

But i just wish my head would leave me be.

Sounds strange but you know what i mean? All those conflicting distressing thoughts that haunt me especially at night when its quiet and im trying to sleep.

I wish they werent there.

I wish i was free.

A friend told me today what i was doing was my choice.

It kind of made me angry.

I didnt know anorexia was a choice. I certainly didnt ask for it. And if i did i want my money back please.

I can see her point in one way. 

To the outside world it looks like i choose not to feed myself. But i WANT to feed myself.

More than anything.

I want to sit down at the dinner table without panic and fear and complete a meal.

Ive tried to do it. I TRY to do it. I WAS doing it at different stages.

But right now i simply cant.

Now come the tears...

Night angels xxx

Im sorry x

I have to apologise for my last post.

My head was not in a good place and i was not thinking at all clearly.

Im sorry if it was triggering or upsetting to anyone who read it. That was most definitely not my intention. I write this blog as an outlet and to help people understand eating disorders and other mental heath issues. 

Today i am out of hospital and trying to fight this bloody thing and stay out of hospital.

I am starting day hospital next month which i hope will help because the last few weeks things have been going downhill with regards the anorexia.

Restricting,purging,laxative abuse,exercise seems to have gradually taken over my world again.

Every morning i stand on the scales.

If the number isnt lower (even a little bit) than the day before,theres punishment in one way or another.

Physically i dont feel so hot. My muscles ache,my tummys in cramps and when i walk around for too long i feel like falling down.

However my mood is good and i have the depression under control.

I know there is a life out there.

I know im missing it.

I know its waiting for me.

But i dont know if i can hold on long enough and actually do what i have to do to get there.

I KNOW what i have to do but doing it hurts. It doesnt make me feel better it makes me feel worse so in my head i wonder why would i change?

But then i want to change.

I want a baby.

A husband.

A job.

HEALTH.

HAPPINESS.

Must keep fighting.

Chins up angels xxx

Its been awhile...

Well its been over two months now and im still in hospital.

Alot has happened.

None of which im proud of.

But which i will talk about because i think its important to give some sort of understanding.

I completed my course of ECT but it didnt help that much if im honest.

I stopped eating after awhile of refeeding and was threatened with the NG tube once again. With this threat i began slowly increasing my calorie intake and managed to avoid it.

I started gaining weight again and have gained a considerable amount of weight.

With this i became extremely depressed.

I have a vague recolection of running out of the hospital (in my pj's) over to tesco and the chemist to buy paracetamol with the intention of making the pain go away.

A nurse found me and brought me back to the hospital where i was out on 24/7 watch.

I cant explain the utter frustration at this.

Yes this was my fault. I put myself in this position,

But i just wanted to go asleep and not wake up.

I didnt mean for this to happen.

I didnt want to hurt anyone. I thought i was doing everyone a favour.

Today i write this from my own bed as im on overnight leave.

I am eating well,i am much healthier,i am in the middle of swapping medications,i have no suicidal thoughts.

However i am very much stuck.

Yes i am eating. But for one reason. To get out of hospital.

The day i get discharged im joining the gym and sticking to 650 calories.

I dont want to go back to that life but i cant live in this body.

My choice is lose weight or end it all.

The last thing i want to do is hurt my amazing family and friends but i honestly cannot find my way out of this misery.

So for now i am safe,eating,gaining weight and having hours out,

Discharge will be soon hopefully and my plan will have to be put into place.

Its pains me to say that.

I want to tell u i can stay the way i am in the body im in but it is slowly tearing me apart...

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and those of you who have stuck by me are truely amazing,

Aoifs xxx