I have to apologise for my last post.
My head was not in a good place and i was not thinking at all clearly.
Im sorry if it was triggering or upsetting to anyone who read it. That was most definitely not my intention. I write this blog as an outlet and to help people understand eating disorders and other mental heath issues.
Today i am out of hospital and trying to fight this bloody thing and stay out of hospital.
I am starting day hospital next month which i hope will help because the last few weeks things have been going downhill with regards the anorexia.
Restricting,purging,laxative abuse,exercise seems to have gradually taken over my world again.
Every morning i stand on the scales.
If the number isnt lower (even a little bit) than the day before,theres punishment in one way or another.
Physically i dont feel so hot. My muscles ache,my tummys in cramps and when i walk around for too long i feel like falling down.
However my mood is good and i have the depression under control.
I know there is a life out there.
I know im missing it.
I know its waiting for me.
But i dont know if i can hold on long enough and actually do what i have to do to get there.
I KNOW what i have to do but doing it hurts. It doesnt make me feel better it makes me feel worse so in my head i wonder why would i change?
But then i want to change.
I want a baby.
A husband.
A job.
HEALTH.
HAPPINESS.
Must keep fighting.
Chins up angels xxx
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