My eyes feel tired but i cannot sleep.
Thoughts of food and weight take over my mind as i lay my head to my pillow and try and get comfortable.
I feel sad tonight.
About alot of things that i dont have the heart or energy to go into now.
But i just wish my head would leave me be.
Sounds strange but you know what i mean? All those conflicting distressing thoughts that haunt me especially at night when its quiet and im trying to sleep.
I wish they werent there.
I wish i was free.
A friend told me today what i was doing was my choice.
It kind of made me angry.
I didnt know anorexia was a choice. I certainly didnt ask for it. And if i did i want my money back please.
I can see her point in one way.
To the outside world it looks like i choose not to feed myself. But i WANT to feed myself.
More than anything.
I want to sit down at the dinner table without panic and fear and complete a meal.
Ive tried to do it. I TRY to do it. I WAS doing it at different stages.
But right now i simply cant.
Now come the tears...
Night angels xxx
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