Well its been over two months now and im still in hospital.
Alot has happened.
None of which im proud of.
But which i will talk about because i think its important to give some sort of understanding.
I completed my course of ECT but it didnt help that much if im honest.
I stopped eating after awhile of refeeding and was threatened with the NG tube once again. With this threat i began slowly increasing my calorie intake and managed to avoid it.
I started gaining weight again and have gained a considerable amount of weight.
With this i became extremely depressed.
I have a vague recolection of running out of the hospital (in my pj's) over to tesco and the chemist to buy paracetamol with the intention of making the pain go away.
A nurse found me and brought me back to the hospital where i was out on 24/7 watch.
I cant explain the utter frustration at this.
Yes this was my fault. I put myself in this position,
But i just wanted to go asleep and not wake up.
I didnt mean for this to happen.
I didnt want to hurt anyone. I thought i was doing everyone a favour.
Today i write this from my own bed as im on overnight leave.
I am eating well,i am much healthier,i am in the middle of swapping medications,i have no suicidal thoughts.
However i am very much stuck.
Yes i am eating. But for one reason. To get out of hospital.
The day i get discharged im joining the gym and sticking to 650 calories.
I dont want to go back to that life but i cant live in this body.
My choice is lose weight or end it all.
The last thing i want to do is hurt my amazing family and friends but i honestly cannot find my way out of this misery.
So for now i am safe,eating,gaining weight and having hours out,
Discharge will be soon hopefully and my plan will have to be put into place.
Its pains me to say that.
I want to tell u i can stay the way i am in the body im in but it is slowly tearing me apart...
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and those of you who have stuck by me are truely amazing,
Aoifs xxx
http://lifeasiknowit-sparkles.blogspot.ie/2011_03_01_archive.html
ReplyDeleteAoifs do u remember posting this one? u left a 'healthy influence' on me :)
I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time. This time last year I was a similar position to you; on the brink of discharge with intentions to lose weight again as soon as I got out.
ReplyDeleteI won't try to convince to otherwise because I'm sure you're sick to death of hearing about about how dangerous what you're doing is etc… I'm also pretty certain it wouldn't work anyway: you have to be ready to recover before things can really change. if you're dead set on going down the same route again at least try to keep yourself as healthy as you can. Can you even change one or two little things that might prolong the period before you end up in hospital again?
Stay safe x