I tell myself this as i walk briskly through the door of the supermarket. As i head straight for my diet coke i dont dare even dream of looking at anything else.
SImply because looking leads to temptation and temptation can lead to purchasing all sorts of items. Having such forbidden foods at my hands may lead to consumption which inevitably leads to this chubby exterior getting even chubbier.
I cant have that.
I wont allow it.
Anorexia wont allow it.
But oh how good the freshly backed bread smells...STOP IT!!!
GET OUT OF THE SUPERMARKET RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!
Surely one small soft doughy breadroll cant do to much harm?
DONT LISTEN!!! CARBS ARE THE DEVIL!
Safely out of the supermarket with my diet coke supply for the day,i walk as fast as i can along the beach,temptation haunting me at every corner.
ICE CREAM!
Soft and soothing.
SUGAR AND FAT.
I imagine indulging in it once again...
There would be too many reprecussions i decide.
Later i lay by the poolside in the sunshine as i watch couples and familes laugh and argue in equal measures. I long for it...
NORMALITY.
But i am still caught up in this insanity xxx
Honey you have to stop punishing yourself!
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT chubby! You are the total opposite!
I was so genuinely shocked at how tiny you were at the pub last month.
You just have to keep telling yourself that weight gain is a GOOD thing for you.
You can do this! I know you can :)
You are doing the best you can, take one day at a time, and try and relax and stay positive. Be kind to yourself, because you deserve it xxx
Whenever your brain calls you chubby or worries about weight gain, tell those negative thoughts to go away, and try and remember that you need food to live. We love you! Stay strong.
I really hope you are getting a nice tan and relaxing xoxo
Aoife, you're not getting better, you're getting worse.
ReplyDeleteI went through what you're going through, as you know, and coming out the other side, believe me, is a feeling you can't possibly get from the eating disorder.
Please give life a chance - there is no point in being a lovely, pretty, joyful, sensitive young lady if the friend you keep running back to (even though she's a bitch) is Anorexia.
Honestly, Aoifs, it's worth going cold turkey after years of torment to be able to say 'this is me, and people like and love me'. We dont have any scales in our house and I dont miss them at all. They are not part of my life any more. Pleeeeeeeease try - I know how weirdly comforting it can be to fall back into hospitalisation, but its not life. Its not. And you have so much potential.
Love you, 'lil sis',
GA J xxxx
I'm worried. x
ReplyDeleteThank you girls.
ReplyDeletePlease dont worry.
I cant give up the scales,i get anxious when i dont know the exact number and it has to be six times a day but i have cut down and hope to cut down further and maybe one day i wont need them.
And Jen dont worry honey,i never want to go into that hospital again,its hard enough going there for appointments as its no longer comforting,just painful xxx