Just saw Y my dietician and she agreed to reduce the ng feed down by a couple of hundred calories on the condition i stick to the meal plan. I think this is a gooooood indication of progress :-) ???
I ate so much yesterday and today my tummy is swollen and looks pregnant lol! It wouldnt feel so bad if i just had the ng or was just eating but having both is giving my head trouble!
I guess the main thing is to get the ng out and get off bedrest which is a BMI of 15. Dr. M says once i get there its up to me if i want to learn to maintain that weight for the moment or if i want to gain more. I think you can guess my answer to that!!!
I feel much better physically apart from being exhausted all the time,which seems ridiculous when ive been lying in bed for almost a month now.
Part of me is desperate to get to 15 but the other part of me is scared. It means the next stage of recovery,i know things have to change if i want to move forward but again it comes back to me being scared to move forward even if deep down i know that IS what i want...oh i dont even know if i am making sense here...
Y is off til wednesday so a bit worried about that. I need her constant reassurance about the exact amount of calories etc....i think i have in some ways become even more obsessive about them and find myself topping up sums in my head all day long.
I asked Dr M if she thought id ever recover and she said she wouldnt have me using up one of her precious beds if i didnt really need it...i still feel rather like i dont belong here or i shouldnt got my weight down even further and then maybe i would deserve the help i am getting. But then again i had a lucky escape coming in when i did because ended up on the medical ward that very night at serious risk of heart attack.
I guess we can only push our bodies so far before they start to fail. Something im just realising.
A lovely friend gave me an angel recently and that is over my bed and reminds me of getting my sparkley pink angel wings intact lol!!!!
I better go,feeding time at the zoo again...xxx
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