Its been a while...x

Hey guys....not sure anyone reads this anymore but i will write anyway cause it helps to vent and boy do i need to vent today!!!

So ive been home about 5 weeks now i think and everything has been going surprisingly well. I have felt...dare i say it...HAPPY. I have been maintaining a bmi of 15. I have been eating every day. I havent purged. I havent taken laxatives. I havent over exercised. I havent restricted. I have smiled. I have laughed. I have had fun. I have lived...

Today however i have not felt myself.

I had another appointment at the breast care clinic today to talk about getting the breast cancer gene test done. The consultant said i was high risk but that they would keep a close eye on me. Hes sending me for an MRI just precaution and referring me to the genetics department. If the test proves positive it means i am 85% certain to develop breast cancer. Its a little bit scary thinking about it all.

Recently my mum has been on my mind. And even in my dreams. I dont know why this is. But shes there. They are quite distressing dreams rather than happy ones....i think i will go back on the dalmane and maybe that will help somehow.

Today i have felt strong urges to restrict. I didnt. But i really wanted to. I didnt give in. I ate. But it didnt feel good. It felt wrong.

Im finding it hard to accept the changes in my body if im really honest. My bones are disappearing under layers of fat. It doesnt hurt as much when i sit/lie down. My face is full. My tummy round. My clothes tight.

Despite this,i have no intention of going back to anorexia. I could not put my body through that again. I could not put my dad through it again. I could not put my some very amazing supportive friends through it again.

Today was just hard.

I will keep fighting.

xxx