Ive missed writing.
I choose not to write for awhile as to be honest I was too busy embracing recovery,learning to live again and loving life...but at the moment im having a blip and need somewhere to vent so i guess thats what brings me back here.
Things were going so well,so well i could hardly believe it was my life. Anorexia never left me as such but i was able to function again and build a life and i felt...happy. Then a little while ago i was getting stressed over a few things mainly work and a personal issue and i started starving through the day and eating too much in the evening because i was just so hungry. The eating so much in the evenings scared me. Terrified me infact and i longed to gain control again. But i didnt really do anything about it until recently.
I had an amazing weekend away in Edinburgh with my friends and it was good to just be 'normal' and eat 'normal'. The day i got home i weighed myself and discovered i was the heaviest i have been in literally years. That day I gave up work and college and fell straight into relapse mode. In two weeks i was down 12 pounds and high as a kite in one way and desperately depressed in another. That initial buzz u get from losing weight,pushing me past the hunger pains. The number on the scales going lower,my jeans getting loser,the eating disorder part of me loved this. But the real me is scared.
Then on my 26th birthday I had an appointment with my psych and dietician. They wanted to admit me that day for a short term admission. I told them i would do everything i could to get back on track if i could stay at home,so i was allowed home with a meal plan and higher dosage of meds and to be reviewed on Friday.
Todays Monday....i have been eating much better. I dont feel much better. A huge part of me feels ive never taken my anorexia far enough. I havent pushed my body far enough. I havent suffered enough. I havent got my weight low enough. I havent been ill enough. And then i know only 9 months ago i was told i could drop dead at any stage and i was a heart attack waiting to happen. But even then. ITS NOT ENOUGH.
I dont know how i have anyone left in my life. Even this post is so self absorbed and pathetic. I deserve to be alone xxx
Hello, hope you don't mind me posting (found you through Laura).
ReplyDeleteI think everyone who suffers feels like they don't suffer enough. I think everyone who recovers for some amount of time will feel like they didn't suffer enough, or don't deserve to recover. It's not true. To live with an eating disorder for any amount of time, is suffering enough, no matter what weight you were/are.
I am glad to read you are back on track though, although the short admission may have allowed you a little 'rest' from taking care of yourself. But it shows your strength tackling it OP! Amazing xxx
Hello :o)
ReplyDeleteNice to 'meet' you!
Thank you for your comment and kind words and for understanding. I guess how im feeling is very common with people with eds.
I hope u are well and thank u again hun xxx
Remember you didnt get this ill over night, you won't recover overnight, its pretty fabulous that you've been able to taste life, if that makes sense but please please listen to your team. Even at your 'heaviest in years' you were still very ill its just because you've been ill for so long. It was weird thing for me to accept, because in a way while I could grasp the number didnt have any relevance to my worth as a person, accepting that having spent so much of my life unhealthy that I couldnt correspond my weight to what was or wasnt right for me took time was a head twisting time but I got there, i'm not sure I can get across what Im saying. Of course the fact I rarely weigh myself helps-it just doesnt matter to me in essence what my weight is, because the fact I can be out having fun and enjoying life are what matter more. Just think until you knew that number it didnt matter, because what mattered was doing those things like edinbrough, only when you knew the number did it have that impact, and those feelings you had before you knew it were valid and true, so that means you can get them again.
ReplyDeleteLots of love to you X
Thank u Ducky,everything u say is so true.
ReplyDeleteI am comparing my weight to its lowest so of course im going to feel huge when infact i know i should be comparing it to a healthy weight. But like u said u get so used to being one way...change is so difficult. But again u are right before i weighed myself i was feeling pretty good and then just seeing that number had such a huge affect on everything. It seems so ridiculous to let a silly number put things back. Thank u for all ur support hun,loads of love and hugs from me xxx
*I* am reading,its me i promise ;o) Sorry for the negative post....u know what its like missis...im tryin to kick ass...will find out soon if im succeeding lol! Im thinking of u hun and hoping ur ok. And THANK YOU. Love AOIFE (not anorexia!!!) xxx
ReplyDelete