A constant flow of tears.
I gainned 4 pounds in a week. FOUR.
I was uncontrollable at the hospital yesterday they wanted to admitt me.
How possibly can gainning be such a good thing when it makes u feel so horribly horribly :( I know its stupid and pathetic to some but i really dont think i can stick with this :( How many times have i said 'this time ill get better' never gona happen,i am useless. I can NOT cope with weight gain. I simply cant. I am a useless and pathetic mess.
I am NOTHING. Nothing without anorexia.
Alone.
I have to be strong and control my cravings. I can not allow food in me. Maybe some non fat yogurt if i really *need* it.
Dying would be easier,quicker....i was so close...another week or so and i would have been gone apparently. I shouldnt have let them near me.
xxx
You can do anything you put your mind to, as long as you want it enough. If you want to get better, then I know you can. You are nothing with anorexia - without it, you can be anything you want to be.
ReplyDeleteAoife , please think back to life before ED , you can do it, would love to hear from you. You are so like your mom in your style and love of shoes. Catherine
ReplyDeleteI look at your post and feel very sad, you are Aoife and you need to give yourself the opportunity to see the beautiful Aoife that is missing at the moment, she is in there ,give her a little space to appear again. You may think that I do not know what I am talking about , but believe me I do. Catherine
ReplyDeleteHello Aoife, have been thinking about you a lot . I have a lovely photo of you standing beside the fireplace in your 'modeling pose' Your had an inner light that shone even when you were not aware of it. Your mom was so proud of you. I met a girl that used to live beside you on Griffith Ave, her name was Ciara. Love to hear from you, Love Catherine
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. The fear of gaining weight is very strong. But thats all Ana. There is nothing wrong with gaining weight, and especially not if you're underweight.
ReplyDelete4 pounds is just a number. It doesnt mean your ugly or fat. It doesnt change you.
You have to be strong. You're so much better without anorexia. You will be you.
Beautiful, smart, talented. Its anorexia whos telling you that you will be nothing without it. But you will be so much better without anorexia.
Dying isnt an option. You have to eat, you have to have energy.
Keep strong, dont give in to anorexia. Keep eating, fight anorexia. Good luck