Had my usual friday check up at the hospital and my weight was up a bit. Docter delighted. Aoifs not so much. Feel like breaking down the whole time and that is pathetic.
Got my bloods done that morning and the hospital rang me that night as magnesium has dropped yet again. This has been a consistant problem since my last admission even though ive had quite little active ed behaviours. Anyway im taking the supplements and they have just been uped!
My meal plan is out the window. One day ill have 2000 cals and the next 200 cals. I know i need to eat consistantly and have my meals and snacks but its all or nothing at the moment and i prefer nothing to be honest. Especially seeing my weight go up.
I feel disgusting at this weight. They want me to gain more. Eugh.
When i restrict or starve or purge i feel so much better in my head. Even if its bad for my body.
Giving up for today xxx
Offering support. I understand how you feel. It is hard when "they" are so excited for the "increase" and we are fighting it. I am in that place right now. I am "supposed" to gain this week. I have a check with one doctor on thursday and another on friday. With the weight checks and anxiety, my eating has been sporadic as well. Do you have a meal plan? Does it help? Accountability helps me. On the lower days, I am more likely to be more anxious. Do you find this? Good luck. COnsistency is the key. You can do this! Keep fighting!
ReplyDeletehang in there Aoife!
ReplyDelete