Striving to be 'normal' x

I have the urge to write here tonight.

I am in constant conflict to write here or not. I think it was good to take a little break from it at least. Writing definitely helps. My psych says i have a talent for it...HA.

I feel tearful and low at the moment. I had a lovely day. I went for lunch with two of my bestest friends and my godson. It was nice. I managed lunch fine. I enjoyed it. Of course the guilt came after. But thats ok. Im used to that feeling. The important thing is not acting on it.

Since my last post i have gone through a restrictive phase and my weight has gone down but not drastically so. The problem is once u start restricting its hard to stop.

After months of doing well i had almost forgot the feeling of an empty tummy,the dizzy spells,the complete lack of energy. It all came back and fast.

I have become expert at eating normal around friends and family. I sit there happily munching away joinning in conversation and just taking part. Can they see through me? The panic? The terror? Can they see im wondering how much ill have to restrict to compensate for that meal? How much ill have to exercise in the middle of the night while dads asleep in the next room? How many boxes of laxatives ill have to go through trying to find a chemist that doesnt remember me from before,desperately searching like a drug addict needing their fix.

I enjoy food. But i dont deserve it. I dont need it. I have reserves.

Last week my team wanted me admitted. This week we decided on a different plan. Meds increased to max dose. Psych appointment every week. Psychotherapist appointment every week. Stick to my meal plan. This was decided on wednesday and i have done my part since then.

I look at friends who have recovered and i wonder why i havent got there yet. Ive got close a few times now but i always run back. Always.

It was easier when i looked sick. People knew there was something wrong. Now i am fat and i smile and i eat in company and laugh while doing so...i appear dare i say it 'normal'.

What im most afraid of is being alone,many friends have slipped away from me and i worry they all will.

I will eat and drink and go to my appointments.

And i will smile....

xXx