Since i last wrote there has been some changes. Some good. Some not so.
Anorexia has taken a back seat in some respects. Im eating well most of the time. I have energy. Im not tired all the time. I have started working as a fashion intern in a clothes store and love it. Tomorrow i finally start the image and styling course i was supposed to do two years ago. I went on holiday with two friends and had so much fun. I ate and drank and was 'normal'. It felt nice to be normal for that week.
I came home and struggled with the inevitable weight gain but have managed to maintain it. However it seems whenever anorexia leaves me be,depression hits me hard. It can be crippling. I didnt leave the house for three days this week and when i tried i only got as far as the bus stop. I am sure people are looking at me and thinking how fat i have become. That i dont deserve to eat. That i dont deserve to be healthy.
I am still underweight yet these new curves terrify me.
Bum.
Boobs.
Hips.
CURVES.
Why are they so scary?
My new womanly shape depresses me greatly.
I am scared of what comes with it...
The only answer i feel is to lose weight again.
It feels like a choice between anorexia or depression?
Surely there is a healthy in between?
I hope i find it.
I hope we all find it.
Love Aoifs xXx
it takes time for your head to catch up aoife - but you have to keep trying - anorexia is crap, depression is crap - there is more too life outside of its supposed safety, but you have to go through the fear and get to the other side.
ReplyDeleteits not easy, but its possible.
you know where the path your on leads you, maybe its time to try another one xxxxxx
I think u may be right hun x
ReplyDeleteI miss ur blog. I hope ur ok. Thank u lots xxx
i know exactly how you feel. those things scare me too. http://www.justsayyes.org/topics/self-image-media-influences/
ReplyDelete