Up up and away x

Hey all!

I wanted to write because i cant quite believe the change in myself over the last few months and i want to have it here incase i need a reminder that i actually felt this way as i know recovery is never a stright road.

I have really kind of 'let go' of my rigid ed behaviours and just...relaxed. It feels odd but in a good way. Obviously as i have made this change to my diet,my weight has of course gone up. But i am feeling ok with it as i know i am still underweight and need to keep gaining until i am healthy again. This is the closest i have come in years and although that is pretty great its also rather scary!

Who am i without my ed?

What will occupy my thoughts when its gone?

Can i live without it?

I dont know.

I want to be 'normal' so badly at this stage but Im not sure i can cope with gainning much more weight. To be honest i feel huge at this weight but i am not and will not let those feelings affect my recovery. If i listen to that voice in my head i know i will stop eating again and go back to square one and for what? I want a life that doesnt revolve around hospital addmissions or even hospital appointments every week. I want to be free of all that and leave that life behind. I guess i am well and truely on my way though :o)

Next month im off to the sunshine for two weeks with daddy R,and i am going to make sure and not take anorexia with us :o)

Love Aoifs xxx