Distraction x

I dont know what i want to write but i need to write.

Ive just had a little something to eat and need distraction fast.

I saw T at the hospital today,i cried so much i felt drained after the time we spent together.

She encouraged this outburst of tears,much to my surprise and said it was a good thing to let it all out.

The thing is i dont know what exactly i was letting out.

I felt a bit better afterwards so perhaps she was right. She usually is.

I told her i wouldnt be missed if i was to die. That it would be a relief to people. I cause pain. Remove me,remove the pain.

She said she would be heartbroken if i died. That my dad would never get over it.

I say im more of a burden to people than anything else.

I honestly dont know whats true.

But hey,another day has passed. Made it!!! ;)

Love Aoife x

Thought for today...

Love Aoife xxx

Punishment...

Its been a rather yucky couple of days.

I choose to eat on monday night and keep it down and this resulted in me self harming.

The only way i can explain this to someone who might think im just crazy is i felt i needed to be punished in some other way because i ate. If i eat there is consequences.

Self harming for me only happens every now and then when im in desperate need of some sort of release.

That night i was desperate.

My dad bandaged up my arms and i saw Dr. M this afternoon and now im feeling rather stupid but much better after talking it all through.

Dr.M said she was worried more about the anorexia and the rate it was going rather than my mood but didnt know what she could do to help me except hope day hospital works some magic for the moment.

Its up to me. I know.

And thats what makes all this so hard...

Thought for the day x

               

Love Aoife x

So angry...

...at myself.

I was only angry at my friend because she spoke the truth.

Anorexia is an illness we do not choose,but we can choose to recover. The thing is i WANT to recover,i just dont want to eat. Well i DO want to eat more than anything but cant handle the way it makes me feel and the way it makes my body look.

And im scared of what recovery means.

But i guess everyone in my position would feel similarly?

Tonight im going to eat something safe and keep it down.

Thats the choice im making.

And maybe with little steps like this they could turn into bigger ones...

Sleepy but not sleepy enough...

My eyes feel tired but i cannot sleep.

Thoughts of food and weight take over my mind as i lay my head to my pillow and try and get comfortable.

I feel sad tonight.

About alot of things that i dont have the heart or energy to go into now.

But i just wish my head would leave me be.

Sounds strange but you know what i mean? All those conflicting distressing thoughts that haunt me especially at night when its quiet and im trying to sleep.

I wish they werent there.

I wish i was free.

A friend told me today what i was doing was my choice.

It kind of made me angry.

I didnt know anorexia was a choice. I certainly didnt ask for it. And if i did i want my money back please.

I can see her point in one way. 

To the outside world it looks like i choose not to feed myself. But i WANT to feed myself.

More than anything.

I want to sit down at the dinner table without panic and fear and complete a meal.

Ive tried to do it. I TRY to do it. I WAS doing it at different stages.

But right now i simply cant.

Now come the tears...

Night angels xxx

Im sorry x

I have to apologise for my last post.

My head was not in a good place and i was not thinking at all clearly.

Im sorry if it was triggering or upsetting to anyone who read it. That was most definitely not my intention. I write this blog as an outlet and to help people understand eating disorders and other mental heath issues. 

Today i am out of hospital and trying to fight this bloody thing and stay out of hospital.

I am starting day hospital next month which i hope will help because the last few weeks things have been going downhill with regards the anorexia.

Restricting,purging,laxative abuse,exercise seems to have gradually taken over my world again.

Every morning i stand on the scales.

If the number isnt lower (even a little bit) than the day before,theres punishment in one way or another.

Physically i dont feel so hot. My muscles ache,my tummys in cramps and when i walk around for too long i feel like falling down.

However my mood is good and i have the depression under control.

I know there is a life out there.

I know im missing it.

I know its waiting for me.

But i dont know if i can hold on long enough and actually do what i have to do to get there.

I KNOW what i have to do but doing it hurts. It doesnt make me feel better it makes me feel worse so in my head i wonder why would i change?

But then i want to change.

I want a baby.

A husband.

A job.

HEALTH.

HAPPINESS.

Must keep fighting.

Chins up angels xxx

Its been awhile...

Well its been over two months now and im still in hospital.

Alot has happened.

None of which im proud of.

But which i will talk about because i think its important to give some sort of understanding.

I completed my course of ECT but it didnt help that much if im honest.

I stopped eating after awhile of refeeding and was threatened with the NG tube once again. With this threat i began slowly increasing my calorie intake and managed to avoid it.

I started gaining weight again and have gained a considerable amount of weight.

With this i became extremely depressed.

I have a vague recolection of running out of the hospital (in my pj's) over to tesco and the chemist to buy paracetamol with the intention of making the pain go away.

A nurse found me and brought me back to the hospital where i was out on 24/7 watch.

I cant explain the utter frustration at this.

Yes this was my fault. I put myself in this position,

But i just wanted to go asleep and not wake up.

I didnt mean for this to happen.

I didnt want to hurt anyone. I thought i was doing everyone a favour.

Today i write this from my own bed as im on overnight leave.

I am eating well,i am much healthier,i am in the middle of swapping medications,i have no suicidal thoughts.

However i am very much stuck.

Yes i am eating. But for one reason. To get out of hospital.

The day i get discharged im joining the gym and sticking to 650 calories.

I dont want to go back to that life but i cant live in this body.

My choice is lose weight or end it all.

The last thing i want to do is hurt my amazing family and friends but i honestly cannot find my way out of this misery.

So for now i am safe,eating,gaining weight and having hours out,

Discharge will be soon hopefully and my plan will have to be put into place.

Its pains me to say that.

I want to tell u i can stay the way i am in the body im in but it is slowly tearing me apart...

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and those of you who have stuck by me are truely amazing,

Aoifs xxx

Feel the fear...

...and do it anyway.

And that is what i have done today.

Three meals.

My tummy round and bulging.

A food baby.

Its not getting any easier.

They wont tell me my weight.

I imagine i have gained an awful lot.

Much more than i can deal with.

Surely i should know my weight that way i wont get too much of a shock when i do eventually get to weigh myself?

And why does it even matter so much?

Why do i care so much?

I dont judge any of my friends on their weight.

I swear i dont.

Why do i think they would do it to me?

I imagine they are repulsed by what they see and cant help but be disgusted by my size.

What are they going to think if i keep getting bigger and bigger?

What if i lose all control???

Hospital life

Three weeks in hospital today and everything is okay.

My next tribunal isnt for 3 months but Dr M says she will discharge me way before then :)

Im still on the NG but not using it as much as i have been eating a little.

That feeling of food in my tummy is one of the worst feelings there is,i long to be empty again,to feel hunger...

Im trying to stick to some sort of meal plan but i dont know how long i can keep it up for.The only thing that makes me feel better is starving and losing weight. I feel disgusting eating. I dont want to do it but its the only way out. And i know i cant stop again as soon as i get out or ill end up back in. I have to find some sort of middle ground.

I dont just want a quick fix. I need to do this properly somehow.

I have no idea how...