Hospital,NG,ECT,Special-update!

Well its been awhile.

My last update i was starting day hospital. 

I completed three weeks of it afterwhich i took a serious paracetamol overdose which almost resulted in me needing a liver transplant. I was very lucky to have survived and im greatful for all the help and support i was given during this time.

I know suicide is selfish but i honestly saw no other way out of this hell and not just for me but for the people who still unbelivabley care about me.

Once i was physically better i was admitted to the physch ward for a short period of time and then went home feeling more hopeful and regretting what i did.

However that didnt last long.

Ive been back in hospital over two months now on a NG feed and 24/7 nurse. Ive also been undergoing a course of ECT.

I have to admit im more fighting againest them then working with them. Any chance i get i turn off the feed and taking food orally is an ordeal.

Anytime i eat i feel like i have to punish myself in some way so they are doing room checks four times a day as one night i wrapped a cord around my neck and turned blue they had to cut me free. When i write about this it doesnt feel like me,like i would do these crazy things but i just cant help myself.

Ive also been having problems with very low glucose levels and needing glycogen injections and glucose ivs regularly to stop me going into a coma.

Yesterday they wheeled me down to the coffee shop for a break from the ward as i was too weak to walk and the ECT left me in so much pain. I had three visitors today which was a nice distraction.

Getting tied now but will write again soon.

Thank u to anyone/everyone who still believed in me without u i would long have given up.

All my love,

Aoifs xxx

Update x

Hey guys,

Long time no see!

Im just getting back into the blogging world again and thought i would update!

In my last post i wrote about stopping my medication...BIG MISTAKE.

On the 30th of December i took an overdose of over 200 tablets.

After 9 days on a medical ward in one hospital i was stable enough to be transferred to a psych ward in another under section where i stayed for four months.

I dont remember much of the first 6 weeks except that i had an intense desire to die and was on 24hour watch.

I expect this period of time was much harder for family and friends than it actually was for me as i was in my own little world. I cant imagine the pain and worry i caused my dad. He is everything to me but when i took that overdose i honestly thought he was better off free of me.

I realise now this is ridiculous and couldnt be further from the truth. He would rather have me here and with anorexia than not have me here at all.

Suicide is a very difficult issue for a lot of people. Some people say it is selfish. And maybe theyre right. But please understand when you are in a place where you want to die you can think the world is better off without you in it.

Personally i felt i caused nothing but heartache to those around me. I had one relapse after another and couldnt cope with the thoughts of failing again,letting everyone down and falling back into the grips of anorexia.

While i was in hospital i had eight sessions of ECT to try and lift my depression. This helped to a certain extent in that i wasnt actively trying to hurt myself at any given opportunity anymore but it did not 'cure' me.

I was once again fed through an NG tube and yes it got my weight up but anorexia still holds me tight even at a healthier weight.

So here i am today writing this trying to remind myself how lucky i am to be alive and that even if i am forever anorexic,life is precious and can be enjoyed and i have plenty of reasons to continue to fight.

Hope youre all well and thank you if you read this xxx

Thoughts x

What made me swallow those 82 tablets three weeks ago?

How do i answer that question without sounding mad?

The question in itself suggests i may be mad...

I remember taking them and feeling calm.

Scared but calm.

I wanted to just sleep.

Sleep and not wake up.

I thought it would be enough.

I thought i would die.

I had hoped i would die.

Sometimes i wish it had of been enough.

Sometimes im glad it wasnt.

Im embarrassed and ashamed by my actions.

Please understand i thought i was doing the right thing for everybody involved.

I realise that may sound crazy now but i thought it at the time.

Friends have fallen away,family barely keep in touch,i honestly didnt think anyone but dad would truely care if i died. And for those i thought might care i thought it would be a relief for them. Theyve seen me in and out of hospital year after year never truely recovering.

I am a burden and i simply worry those who do still care.

I am selfish.

But most of all im sorry.

Ive had some amazing support from some people and thats why,

I will try harder.

Love Aoifs xXx

The aftermath of an overdose x

You dont think of the pain youre going to cause other people.

You think of ending your pain.

Did i really truely want to die?

Yes.

At the time.

That afternoon.

Depression had been crippling me since my return from Lanzarote.

My weight gain was intolerable.

A combination of things beyond my control felt too much.

I felt my loss would be no great loss.

I felt it would be a freedom.

For everybody.

Ive struggled for 12 years with anorexia,everyone was sick of me.

I was sick of me.

I was sick of anorexia yet couldnt free myself of it.

And am still fighting to.

Since being admitted to hospital 2 weeks ago my weight has dropped signifigantly.

This pleases my anorexia.

It says lower.

My bp is low.

My blood sugars low.

My potassium is low.

My sodium is low.

None of this worries me. It pleases me.

However my mood has picked up somewhat and i do regret my actions.

Im sorry if i worried people. 

I dont really understand their worry.

But I have a choice now.

Stand up once again and fight.

Or let it swallow me up.

'Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself. The way you wish you had been all along.'

Love Aoifs xXx

Ps-Please do not think i write these posts to attract attention or anything of the sort,i write because it helps me and i share because it helps others xXx