Since i last wrote there has been some changes. Some good. Some not so.
Anorexia has taken a back seat in some respects. Im eating well most of the time. I have energy. Im not tired all the time. I have started working as a fashion intern in a clothes store and love it. Tomorrow i finally start the image and styling course i was supposed to do two years ago. I went on holiday with two friends and had so much fun. I ate and drank and was 'normal'. It felt nice to be normal for that week.
I came home and struggled with the inevitable weight gain but have managed to maintain it. However it seems whenever anorexia leaves me be,depression hits me hard. It can be crippling. I didnt leave the house for three days this week and when i tried i only got as far as the bus stop. I am sure people are looking at me and thinking how fat i have become. That i dont deserve to eat. That i dont deserve to be healthy.
I am still underweight yet these new curves terrify me.
Bum.
Boobs.
Hips.
CURVES.
Why are they so scary?
My new womanly shape depresses me greatly.
I am scared of what comes with it...
The only answer i feel is to lose weight again.
It feels like a choice between anorexia or depression?
Surely there is a healthy in between?
I hope i find it.
I hope we all find it.
Love Aoifs xXx
