Sleepy but not sleepy enough...

My eyes feel tired but i cannot sleep.

Thoughts of food and weight take over my mind as i lay my head to my pillow and try and get comfortable.

I feel sad tonight.

About alot of things that i dont have the heart or energy to go into now.

But i just wish my head would leave me be.

Sounds strange but you know what i mean? All those conflicting distressing thoughts that haunt me especially at night when its quiet and im trying to sleep.

I wish they werent there.

I wish i was free.

A friend told me today what i was doing was my choice.

It kind of made me angry.

I didnt know anorexia was a choice. I certainly didnt ask for it. And if i did i want my money back please.

I can see her point in one way. 

To the outside world it looks like i choose not to feed myself. But i WANT to feed myself.

More than anything.

I want to sit down at the dinner table without panic and fear and complete a meal.

Ive tried to do it. I TRY to do it. I WAS doing it at different stages.

But right now i simply cant.

Now come the tears...

Night angels xxx

Thoughts...

Living alone is hard.

My anorexia loves it.

I love it...at times. 

At other times,not so much.

Im torn between what my eating disorder wants and what i want.

Its very easy not to eat.

It feels good.

But of course we have to eat to stay alive.

I like food.

But i dont deserve food.

I enjoy eating.

So i dont eat as a punishment.

I eat,i feel bad mentally. 

I dont eat,i feel bad physically.

Eating disorders are bloody complex!!!

If only there was a tablet we could take or an operation to remove it.

A magical cure.

A quick fix.

Instead it takes time. Alot of time. And hard work.

But ive seen people recover.

I know its possible.

I just dont know if its possible for me...

xxx

Home sweet home...

Well i made it home in one piece!

Although with a very burnt red nose and a misplaced suitcase!

Sudacream should fix the nose and the case has been found but yet to be delivered!

After eating very little and dropping half a stone while away,all hell broke loose as I let myself eat today.

I know logically it would be considered a 'normal' amount but it feels like a binge.

I feel FULL. BLOATED. UNCOMFORTABLE.

I long for the emptiness again.

I inevitably ended up in the chemist to get my supply of laxatives. Trying to remember which chemists ive been to recently and which ones wont recongnize me.

My dad cried this morning.

It was truely awful.

I am a horrible person.

A terrible daughter.

A waste xxx

Tips for surviving Christmas x

The following tips along with much more information on eating disorders can be found here- http://www.bodywhys.ie/

The nature of an eating disorder can mean that Christmas can be a particularly difficult time of year.

Some helpful tips for coping with the pressures that can arise at Christmas time:

• Try not to isolate yourself.
• In advance of Christmas, let people know how you are feeling. Talk to them about your fears around food. Try to ease the stress by identifying what might make things less stressful for you. Write out a list and share it with your family. This could help you negotiate ways of having your needs met. Present your list as your coping tools so that others may engage positively to support you in using them.
• If you can identify a family member that you can confide in, enlist their support and work out with them specific ways of coping with the pressures of the day. The more aware they are of your needs, the more confident and willing they will be to help you.
• Write down your feelings if you feel scared. Writing them down can help to dilute or dissipate the feeling.
• Try and keep to your own routine around meal times, etc., if this is important to you.
• Arrange that whoever is doing the cooking knows that you need to have some control over what you eat. Try to negotiate ways of having your needs met well in advance of Christmas Day to prevent a build up of anxiety and stress.

• Try and take time-out from the ‘crowd’, to read quietly, to take a walk, or to listen to music. Tell people in advance that it would help you to be allowed to do this.
• Try to keep things in perspective by taking a realistic view of food and drink. They are only two of the many pleasurable activities at this time of year.
• Be prepared for comments about food and plan your response. Avoid reacting defensively. Instead, respond in a way that invites others to respect your needs(Example: “It’s important for me to be able to manage things at my own pace at this moment” / “If I am allowed to manage things my own way, it will help me to feel less stressed”)
• Try not to expect too much – either of yourself or others, or even of the day – and you will avoid feeling disappointed.
• It is important to remember that you deserve to be happy too, so choose what you want to do as much as you can.
• Whatever way it turns out, remember that Christmas is just one day out of 365 days, so don’t panic.
• Give yourself the gift of acceptance. You are as you are.
• If you really cannot face the celebrations, explore ways of helping others, or escape within the home, if that is possible.
• Try and stay with the present and not look back or forward. It is, after all, only one day.
• If you are feeling overwhelmed, don’t be hard on yourself. Christmas can be overwhelming at the best of times!

 I hope this helps some of you get through the holidays!!! 

Love Aoifs xXx

Cant find the way out x

'And i know its crazy...but thats the state im in.'

Escaped to our country home this week and it was nice to get away for a few days.

I just wish i could get away from my head.

I had a chat with dad before we went that i would really try get back on track with eating again.

And i did to some extent.

I did good Monday and Tuesday and then got food poisoning and of course i took this as a sign i shouldnt have ate all i had,that it was a sign i ate too much,a sign i should stick to my more restrictive diet.

And so back i go.

I know letting myself fall back isnt a great thing but losing weight is the only thing that seems to help lift the depression a little.

I want to be small again.

Tiny.

Disappear maybe.

'I cant escape my thoughts.'

Love Aoifs xXx

Home sweet home x

Discharged.

Medically stable.

Emotionally? 

Maybe not so much!!!

But better.

Definitely better.

I think the right dose of meds are finally kicking in and not a moment too soon.

So im home.

Im alive.

What now?

For the moment im going to the hospital twice a week.

Im trying to get out with friends for coffee.

I quit my job the day i overdosed.

I missed the start of my course as i was in hospital.

I have no idea what to do with life.

Getting on a bus and going into town is almost a challenge in itself.

I realise that must sound pathetic to most.

But hopefully some will understand.

Food is a whole other issue.

The anorexia is strong as hell right now.

And im just letting it happen.

I tried the day i got home from hospital to challenge it but the guilt eats me up. Pardon the pun.

I AM eating. Just not so much. And compensating when i am.

I want so much to eat well. Im hungry. Starving. And thats hard to admitt.

But im not allowed to eat what my body needs.

Im simply not allowed.

I'll leave on a more positive note-

"Nothing in the world is impossible the word itself says Im Possible."Audrey Hepburn.

Love Aoifs xXx