One more shot x

As a 14 year old teenager i didnt really know all that much about eating disorders. Little did i know i was soon to become an expert.

It started ever so slowly. Sneaking its way in.

I had recently found out my mum had terminal cancer. She was going to die. I thought maybe if i got sick i would die too. I thought maybe i couldnt live without her. I thought maybe if i starved myself i could go with her. Never thinking for a moment about my poor dad.

And so it started.

I stopped eating at school. Started skipping breakfast. Cutting back on 'bad' foods. It gave me something to focus on. Something i could control. It broke my heart my mum was dying and there was nothing in the world i could do to stop it.

My mum was depressed,drinking too much and had taken overdoses far too many times to count. I didnt understand it at the time. I do now. She was in pain and must have been terrified. It was her way of coping. Not a very good way,but still.

In february 2001 i had my first hospital admission,one of many more to come. I did as i was told. I ate and i gainned weight and i was sent home at healther weight at the beginning of April. If only that was the end to it...

On the 25th of May that year mum died leaving behind broken hearts.

I still to this day find it all rather uncomfortable to talk about.

Anorexia may not have killed me but i soon realised it served a purpose. It was my friend. It blocked out the pain. Numbed me. In september that year i purged for the first time. I would just do it from time to time when i felt the need. I liked the empty feeling. But soon enough purging became a daily occurance. That coupled with my restricting and my weight dropped again.

I started going to the Marino therapy centre each week. I went for 10 months,it didnt help all that much infact i was worse when i left there. After the leaving cert i started seeing a new GP who was lovely but didnt know what to do with me. She eventually referred me to St. Vincints hospital in 2004 where i currently am as i type this being tube fed and on bedrest weighing 33kg. Still much too heavy for my anorexic mind.

Since 2004 i have been in and out of hospital too many times to mention,stuck in a dangerous cycle going round and round in circles. I wont lie and say im 100% dedicated to recovery because i am not....i want to be but the anorexia is strong and is all consuming. With every ounce i gain my head screams at me to lose it again. But i think/hope i have enough motivation and determination to recover this time. I have an AMAZING docter and a wonderful team to help and support me and i am trying my best to make the most of it.

I finally feel i might be ready to slowly let go of anorexia and not only gain weight back but gain my life back.

I want a LIFE. I have wasted so much time but learnt alot along the way and in many ways i am already streets ahead of where i was a few years ago.

I have plans now. To get to a weight where i can feel comfortable and function at. To be as healthy as possible. To start driving again. To go out with friends more. To have a boyfriend. To move out. To get a job. And my favourite one to begin my fashion course in the Dublin Institute of Design.

I know what i have to do if i want all those things...but i am terrified....

'Those who are afraid to fall will never fly.'