Update x

Hey guys,

Long time no see!

Im just getting back into the blogging world again and thought i would update!

In my last post i wrote about stopping my medication...BIG MISTAKE.

On the 30th of December i took an overdose of over 200 tablets.

After 9 days on a medical ward in one hospital i was stable enough to be transferred to a psych ward in another under section where i stayed for four months.

I dont remember much of the first 6 weeks except that i had an intense desire to die and was on 24hour watch.

I expect this period of time was much harder for family and friends than it actually was for me as i was in my own little world. I cant imagine the pain and worry i caused my dad. He is everything to me but when i took that overdose i honestly thought he was better off free of me.

I realise now this is ridiculous and couldnt be further from the truth. He would rather have me here and with anorexia than not have me here at all.

Suicide is a very difficult issue for a lot of people. Some people say it is selfish. And maybe theyre right. But please understand when you are in a place where you want to die you can think the world is better off without you in it.

Personally i felt i caused nothing but heartache to those around me. I had one relapse after another and couldnt cope with the thoughts of failing again,letting everyone down and falling back into the grips of anorexia.

While i was in hospital i had eight sessions of ECT to try and lift my depression. This helped to a certain extent in that i wasnt actively trying to hurt myself at any given opportunity anymore but it did not 'cure' me.

I was once again fed through an NG tube and yes it got my weight up but anorexia still holds me tight even at a healthier weight.

So here i am today writing this trying to remind myself how lucky i am to be alive and that even if i am forever anorexic,life is precious and can be enjoyed and i have plenty of reasons to continue to fight.

Hope youre all well and thank you if you read this xxx

The aftermath of an overdose x

You dont think of the pain youre going to cause other people.

You think of ending your pain.

Did i really truely want to die?

Yes.

At the time.

That afternoon.

Depression had been crippling me since my return from Lanzarote.

My weight gain was intolerable.

A combination of things beyond my control felt too much.

I felt my loss would be no great loss.

I felt it would be a freedom.

For everybody.

Ive struggled for 12 years with anorexia,everyone was sick of me.

I was sick of me.

I was sick of anorexia yet couldnt free myself of it.

And am still fighting to.

Since being admitted to hospital 2 weeks ago my weight has dropped signifigantly.

This pleases my anorexia.

It says lower.

My bp is low.

My blood sugars low.

My potassium is low.

My sodium is low.

None of this worries me. It pleases me.

However my mood has picked up somewhat and i do regret my actions.

Im sorry if i worried people. 

I dont really understand their worry.

But I have a choice now.

Stand up once again and fight.

Or let it swallow me up.

'Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself. The way you wish you had been all along.'

Love Aoifs xXx

Ps-Please do not think i write these posts to attract attention or anything of the sort,i write because it helps me and i share because it helps others xXx