And i think that i am starting to let go of the anorexia finally. I think i have accepted that i NEED to eat to live,i DESERVE to eat,eating is NOT a sin,its essential to survive. Ive also accepted the weight gain and accept there is much more to come. This still does terrify me BUT i am leaving this to one side and just concentrating on doing what i need to do to learn to live again.
So what if my face is a little fuller,if my pot belly sticks out a bit,if i look a bit chubby....who the f cares except for me? Surely my family and friends arent going to abandon me if i gain a couple of stone,at least i hope they wont lol!
Im sick of being ill. Being a patient. Being fragile and sensitive,hiding my self in the body of a little girl. I am a 25 year old woman. I should look like one and feel like one. I have to accept that also. I cant be daddys little girl forever. I have to stand on my own two feet and be responsible and choose recovery. Choose LIFE.
Dad said today he has noticed very little change in how i look but that there is a big change in my mood and mental state. I guess as i get better everyday your brain begins to work again (before i came in i couldnt string a sentence together unless it was about food or weight) and now i see the benifits! I have more room for my dreams :-) I want to do things again. I can pick up a book and actually read it. Follow a movie. Get involved in conversations without drifting off into my own little bubble. Im slowly coming out of that bubble and entering the real world. This is what i need/want/deserve to do...
But why am i so afraid of it all....?
