Late night rambles...

What to do when you cant sleep?

Blog!!!

My mind is racing and wont let me rest!

I thought i had made up my mind about studying healthcare in September but i just dont know. Something doesnt feel quite right. I keep coming back to fashion. I feel like i have no more time to waste and i have to get this decision right. But I just cannot decide and its driving me crazy!

I thought i wanted to stay away from fashion because it could be triggering...but the more i think about it,the more i think healthcare could be also. I guess there will be triggers throughout life whatever i do and instead of avoiding them,i have to learn to deal with them and not let them affect me.

Both courses start the second week in September so i know i have more time to think,but not knowing which i want to do is making me wonder can i do either of them?

Maybe i should just go back to the safe little world of anorexia...

I have regained the weight i lost in Lanzarote and more on top of that.

I have exactly one stone to gain and i will be at my target weight.

I look so huge compared to my lowest weight,its hard to accept the changes in my body but i definitely appreciate this new found energy that comes from some good nutrition :o)

Living is fun again..

But also extremely scary!

I catch myself thinking several times a day,how much easier it would be to go back to anorexia.

So safe.

Reliable.

Comforting.

But i cant go back. Im not sure id find my way back out again.

So onwards and upwards it is!!!

xxx

Falling back and pushing forward x

I fear i may actually be losing the plot. 

My mood is all over the place...either very low or flying high.

One day i feel strong and determined and want to continue with recovery,the next day i dont want any food to pass my lips and losing all the weight ive gainned is my only goal in life. And that is pathetic.

Since my team wanted to admitt me a few weeks ago,i have turned things around and stopped losing weight. Infact i have gainned two pounds back. 

Ive been out for meals with friends,had cocktails,gone dancing,doing everything i can to fight back and get out there and live life.

But anorexia still consumes my every thought.

Its still the most important thing in my life,which i hate but i know only i can change.

I was looking at old pictures of when i was a healthy weight and a terrible sadness came over me. I look happy and healthy. I WAS happy and healthy. 

What happened? 

How did i allow myself to get to a point where late last year I couldnt walk from my room to the bathroom,i was in a wheelchair,being tube fed and on complete bedrest for 8 weeks. I didnt admitt it at the time but i was scared. I felt like something had completely taken me over and i had no power left.

I have to go back and remember these things so i can push forward and be reminded i cant go back to that place.

So i am in limbo. I am no longer at a dangerous weight nor am i healthy but somewhere in the middle. Right now i feel i could go either way.

I can understand how someone without an ed would see this as an easy choice...but letting go and moving on seems so impossible at times.

I cant fight it for myself at the moment but i will for my dad,my mum,my granbeag and the amazing friends who are still here beside me. I am lucky really. 

Very lucky.

xXx