Numbers game...

Its never low enough.

I promised myself when i got to a BMI of 13 id maintain and now i just have to lose more and more until i disappear hopefully. Im refusing the feed and eating a small portion of sweetcorn a day. I have to get really low this time. None of this messing about. Ill get to 9 and then stop.

I feel like being very destructive but thats very hard when ur on 24 hour watch.

I just want to hurt myself and release some tension but they wont give me a minute alone.

Im aware my posts are extremely negative and dont expect anyone to read them i just need an outlet.

EVeryones getting on with ther lives it wouldnt matter if i wasnt here. Im so tired. Its a fight that i cannot win....

Punishment...

Its been a rather yucky couple of days.

I choose to eat on monday night and keep it down and this resulted in me self harming.

The only way i can explain this to someone who might think im just crazy is i felt i needed to be punished in some other way because i ate. If i eat there is consequences.

Self harming for me only happens every now and then when im in desperate need of some sort of release.

That night i was desperate.

My dad bandaged up my arms and i saw Dr. M this afternoon and now im feeling rather stupid but much better after talking it all through.

Dr.M said she was worried more about the anorexia and the rate it was going rather than my mood but didnt know what she could do to help me except hope day hospital works some magic for the moment.

Its up to me. I know.

And thats what makes all this so hard...