Loneliness x

I remember when i was younger i used to tell everyone i was a 'lonely child' insted of 'only child' i guess i was both in some ways.

Today i feel alone in this. The future is in my hands. No one can take the anorexia away from me,its up to me to take the steps i need to change. I could have all the help in the world and still not recover if my heart isnt in it.

BUT my heart IS in it,very much so. Im fnally realising it doesnt matter how low a weight i get to,how much suffering i put my body through it will never be enough for me. I will always feel the need to go lower,get worse,take it to a new limit every time i relapse. Going round and round in circles. Thats not life. Well it has been for the past 11 years,i cant expect to be 'cured' in a matter of weeks or months but what i can do it start NOW and keep taking baby steps and eventually there will be an end to this. It might always be with me,but in the background and not contolling my everyday life....that would be quite nice.

It is only recently since L has been so ill ive realised what its like to be on the other side of anorexia. I cried for her everyday,i worried we might lose her,that id never talk to her again. Knowing how ill she was scary. And then dad said 'Now do u understand what its like for me.' He even started talking to me about my funeral and what i did and didnt want,he said he was preparing himself for my death so it wouldnt be a huge shock to him. This is all around the time i was admitted,now he sees progress,slow progress but progress none the less and i think he still has belief in me. Its imporatant to remember friends and family (at least the ones who havent dumped me lol) are hurt by anorexia just as much as i am at times.

Tomorrows monday,a fresh start to the week,im hoping to make it a productive one xxx

Blast from the past x

In 2006 i made a scrapbook full of anything to do with anorexia-stories,articles,pictures,poems,quotes and personal targets and writing. When i finished it i gave it to my therapist at the time because i was getting rather obsessive with it all...

Today 5 years later Dr M returned it to me and boy was that weird.

As i flicked through it,i was quite tearful,some of the things i wrote were very disturbing and sad. Some of the things i wrote in it,i still feel them today all these years on. It was almost painful reading it. I showed it to dad and he could only look at a few pages before he was too upset to go on.

It seemed to hit me hard...oh how i wish i could go back and somehow undo all the damage...but i can only look to the future now and make sure the person&disease that made that scrapbook stays in my past. 

I have control of my future now.

xxx