Tears x

A constant flow of tears.

I gainned 4 pounds in a week. FOUR.

I was uncontrollable at the hospital yesterday they wanted to admitt me.

How possibly can gainning be such a good thing when it makes u feel so horribly horribly :( I know its stupid and pathetic to some but i really dont think i can stick with this :( How many times have i said 'this time ill get better' never gona happen,i am useless. I can NOT cope with weight gain. I simply cant. I am a useless and pathetic mess.

I am NOTHING. Nothing without anorexia.

Alone.

I have to be strong and control my cravings. I can not allow food in me. Maybe some non fat yogurt if i really *need* it.

Dying would be easier,quicker....i was so close...another week or so and i would have been gone apparently. I shouldnt have let them near me.

xxx