26th Birthday Blues x

Ive missed writing.

I choose not to write for awhile as to be honest I was too busy embracing recovery,learning to live again and loving life...but at the moment im having a blip and need somewhere to vent so i guess thats what brings me back here.

Things were going so well,so well i could hardly believe it was my life. Anorexia never left me as such but i was able to function again and build a life and i felt...happy. Then a little while ago i was getting stressed over a few things mainly work and a personal issue and i started starving through the day and eating too much in the evening because i was just so hungry. The eating so much in the evenings scared me. Terrified me infact and i longed to gain control again. But i didnt really do anything about it until recently.

I had an amazing weekend away in Edinburgh with my friends and it was good to just be 'normal' and eat 'normal'. The day i got home i weighed myself and discovered i was the heaviest i have been in literally years. That day I gave up work and college and fell straight into relapse mode. In two weeks i was down 12 pounds and high as a kite in one way and desperately depressed in another. That initial buzz u get from losing weight,pushing me past the hunger pains. The number on the scales going lower,my jeans getting loser,the eating disorder part of me loved this. But the real me is scared.

Then on my 26th birthday I had an appointment with my psych and dietician. They wanted to admit me that day for a short term admission. I told them i would do everything i could to get back on track if i could stay at home,so i was allowed home with a meal plan and higher dosage of meds and to be reviewed on Friday.

Todays Monday....i have been eating much better. I dont feel much better. A huge part of me feels ive never taken my anorexia far enough. I havent pushed my body far enough. I havent suffered enough. I havent got my weight low enough. I havent been ill enough. And then i know only 9 months ago i was told i could drop dead at any stage and i was a heart attack waiting to happen. But even then. ITS NOT ENOUGH.

I dont know how i have anyone left in my life. Even this post is so self absorbed and pathetic. I deserve to be alone xxx

Loneliness x

I remember when i was younger i used to tell everyone i was a 'lonely child' insted of 'only child' i guess i was both in some ways.

Today i feel alone in this. The future is in my hands. No one can take the anorexia away from me,its up to me to take the steps i need to change. I could have all the help in the world and still not recover if my heart isnt in it.

BUT my heart IS in it,very much so. Im fnally realising it doesnt matter how low a weight i get to,how much suffering i put my body through it will never be enough for me. I will always feel the need to go lower,get worse,take it to a new limit every time i relapse. Going round and round in circles. Thats not life. Well it has been for the past 11 years,i cant expect to be 'cured' in a matter of weeks or months but what i can do it start NOW and keep taking baby steps and eventually there will be an end to this. It might always be with me,but in the background and not contolling my everyday life....that would be quite nice.

It is only recently since L has been so ill ive realised what its like to be on the other side of anorexia. I cried for her everyday,i worried we might lose her,that id never talk to her again. Knowing how ill she was scary. And then dad said 'Now do u understand what its like for me.' He even started talking to me about my funeral and what i did and didnt want,he said he was preparing himself for my death so it wouldnt be a huge shock to him. This is all around the time i was admitted,now he sees progress,slow progress but progress none the less and i think he still has belief in me. Its imporatant to remember friends and family (at least the ones who havent dumped me lol) are hurt by anorexia just as much as i am at times.

Tomorrows monday,a fresh start to the week,im hoping to make it a productive one xxx