A bad day x

Hello!

Today has just been shit. Food. Mood. Blah. Pathetic.

Also my cousin D died three years ago today and although i wasnt close to her at all really it reminds me of mum. I feel for D's family. I feel the heartache. I know what its like to miss someone and know it will never go away.

We all lose someone we love at some stage of course....but it never seems to get any easier.

For me personally i use my anorexia to cope with any bad feelings or memories. As soon as mum comes to mind i almost automatically turn to food and weight. Its a good distraction. I dont let her in. I try not to let myself miss her. I dont *usually look at photos of her. I dont share my memories of her. Its beyond awful but its almost like she was never here in ways,like i have blocked her out. I must be the worst daughter in the world.

Again this is another reason in a long list as to why i dont deserve to be well and happy.

Love Aoifs xxx

Sink or swim...x

Anorexia (or any ed for that matter) is very difficult to explain and understand. It sneaks its way in ever so slowly and before u know it youre stuck like glue. It must be absolutely impossible for outsiders to understand because hell i barely understand it half the time myself.

Why would someone choose to starve to a deathly weight? Or binge and purge until the fridge is empty? Or complusively eat and eat until they physically cannot fit in any more food?

It sounds like madness....maybe it is....but it is also a very real reality for many people.

Im sitting here in my hospital bed with layers of blankets over me freezing cold,alone andwish i could eat without guilt,without any ed behaviours. My body aches from head to toe with cramps and pain. Pain that has reduced me to tears some nights.

I know if i reach my bmi of 14 on tuesday i will be let loose. The power all back in my hands. The control. The high. The comfort of knowing no one can tell me when and what to eat.

This admission has stabilised my mood and stopped my weightloss. Im now on a new anti depressant which i hope will kick in asap and am not so weak i find it hard to walk. I think i can function at this weight. I think i can maintain it. But to be blunt i know i dont deserve to find my way out. I dont deserve their help. I dont deserve to be well.

BUT i will not waste what i have learned on this and previous admissions.

I will rise everytime i fall as they say.

Love Aoifs xxx

'Down down she goes...'

I didnt quite realize where i was going when i was 14...if only i had known that throwing my lunch away at school would lead to over a decade of heartache,pain and misery. And not just for me.

If i had known the sadness tht would hit me and stay with me.
If i has known the damage i was doing to my body and mind.
If i had known the countless hospital admissions that were to come...
If i had known one day i would need a feeding tube to keep me alive.
If i had known i was striving for something unattainable.

If i could go back to that one single day when i decided i didnt need to eat,didnt deserve to eat,was too fat to eat...that day when i realised i was in control of my body and nothing or no one could stop me,would i be in hospital aged 26 fighting an immense battle all these years later?

I dont know. But what i do know is it was the beginning stages of 'severe chronic anorexia nervosa' that haunts me to this day. I wake up and its there,i close my eyes at night and its there. It follows my every move.It consumes me.

I hate it with a passion yet am terrrified to let it go. What am i without it?

Love Aoifs xxx

Admitted x

Well i went to my appointment the day after my last post and they admitted me 'for a few days rest'...over five weeks later im stilll bloody here. Sneaky docters! I wont bore u with the details but basically i sneaked out that night and got as far as Clontarf dart station dosed up on valium when the nurses and docter on call rang they told me the police where at my house waiting for me,hearing this i jumped back on the dart and went back to hospital voluterily yet as soon as i got back they sectioned me.

I actually honestly cant remember alot of it as i hadnt eatin in quite a while and dropped 10 pounds intwo weeks and since ive been here ive lost another 8 pounds. Down went the NG feeding tube as i was physically unstable,bloods were all over the place,low potassium,low magnesium,kidneys and liver struggling and mentally exhausted.

For the first couple of weeks i ate half a fat free yogurt at meal times. Even i can understand thats not enough. But no matter what food they gave me i just could not eat it. Now i am off the NG tube im eating 3 meals a day which are almost always followed by tears. I want to have NOTHING in my tummy,i want to be EMPTY!

Right now im still on bedrest and at 5 st 2lbs which may sound a bit low but i feel it should be lower,like i didnt push my body enough,i should have lost more. When i get to 5 st 7lbs i am allowed to go home and continue my recovery as an outpatient.

Im just scared all my friends are so sick and tired of me,i know this illness hurts more than just me and im sorry for that.

My best friend is having a baby boy on the 27th of January and she has asked me to be godmother. I will HAVE to be well. And i will be.

For now i will fight no matter how scary it may seem xxx