Distraction x

I dont know what i want to write but i need to write.

Ive just had a little something to eat and need distraction fast.

I saw T at the hospital today,i cried so much i felt drained after the time we spent together.

She encouraged this outburst of tears,much to my surprise and said it was a good thing to let it all out.

The thing is i dont know what exactly i was letting out.

I felt a bit better afterwards so perhaps she was right. She usually is.

I told her i wouldnt be missed if i was to die. That it would be a relief to people. I cause pain. Remove me,remove the pain.

She said she would be heartbroken if i died. That my dad would never get over it.

I say im more of a burden to people than anything else.

I honestly dont know whats true.

But hey,another day has passed. Made it!!! ;)

Love Aoife x

A small glimpse into anorexia x

I am learning recently,i cannot be alone at home without ed behaviours taking over.

Alone i am a disaster.

I am 26 and simply cant take care of myself on my own.

Its beyond ridiculous.

I can be 'normal' when im with friends/family. I cope. I think i put on a good show.

Now that i have gainned a good bit of weight i appear 'normal'.

However my thoughts are still extremely eating disordered.

I weigh myself 6 times a day.

When i go on holidays my scales comes with me.

If the number is higher than acceptable,i must compensate.

I know its an unhealthy obsession.

However when i dont know my exact weight,my anxiety is sky high.

I will restrict or starve. I will purge. I will exercise. I will take boxes of laxatives.

I am not proud of these things. Anorexia isnt something to be proud of. Its not a phase or a way to get attention. It has the highest death rate out of all mental illnesses.

I hate it more than anything but Im not going to hide and be ashamed anymore.

I want people to know the truth. The reality.

 And i guess thats why i started this blog in the first place xXx